Edited- as no one will ever understand how it feels.
Edited- as no one will ever understand how it feels.
i struggle to feel wanted, accepted, part of anything.
Long before my diagnosis I found it worked for me to do a job that got me regular appreciation, social contact and low expectations of ongoing social interaction.
I worked in IT support so got to do a lot of deskside visits in various banks head offices over the years where I learned my craft and could fix almost everything there at the time.
I found that positive contact with the staff would get the occasional invite (especially when I saved their bacon following user stupidity) to social events or - on occasions - get a date. Several longish term relationships formed this way over the years.
I guess having a skill/service that people want and need is a good way to make inroads this way, altough in the last decade the support side has moved almost entirely to the phone and online, to the point where I was living in Brazil and supporting a company of around 500 users for a sizable part of the week on my own.
I suppose I've never really felt connected in any meaningful way and do "miss it", it's almost like a form of grief. I don't know how I can miss something I don't feel, it is a complete mystery to me.
I didn't suffer trauma/abuse or bullying as a child I just didn't fit. I had a friend who lived over the road when I was a kid and he had a group of friends that I got folded into. That friendship finally fizzled out as adult life kicked in.
I'm married with kids and I still seem to struggle that bond at times. It's more about comfort and familiarity.
I want to belong to something and as my kids grow I feel less needed.
Finding a place in the world is difficult
I Definitely wouldn't underestimate PTSD now I've had some therapy and talked about things in an objective way, I realise just how much past events , even ones from when I was a child have shaped me and stayed with me.
But... It's definitely never too late because I have started dealing with some of it with some success recently and I turned 50 this year so it was a long time ago...
That makes quite a lot of sense. For me it's, without a doubt,a product of the bullying related trauma.
I always felt like I was watching the herd from a distance and when I was amongst it I was somehow aware of it rather than part of it, like I was tuned into a hidden frequency, if that makes any sense at all?!!
Couldn't have put it better myself.
I get this, i struggle to feel wanted, accepted, part of anything. Even when I know I am, I still have an inner conflicted view which can spil any sense of belonging for me.
Recently looked up RSD after it being mentioned that I show all the signs, I think that explains a lot. Possibly trying too hard go fit in and avoid rejection to just go with it. But the root cause in my opinion is a combination of knowing I'm different, having low self esteem , over analysing everything and often reading negative into things, catastrophising and so on.
I always felt like I was watching the herd from a distance and when I was amongst it I was somehow aware of it rather than part of it, like I was tuned into a hidden frequency, if that makes any sense at all?!!
Believe me my whole life has been a car crash from being bullied and manipulated to downright abuse.
So I get what you are saying.
Unless you've known what it's like to be to very unpopular in your formative years it can quite wrongly be seen in terms of a 'popularity contest'.
The lack of replies can be because of a number of various reasons, especially with the shift to the new platform.
Personally I am here for support and to offer my take on things. I am not here to be popular and I do not view replies or lack of as a measure of that.
It tends to be a comparative lack of replies.
