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Fear of men

Rach91

Hi I’m not sure if this is an autistic thing but I have a sort of fear of men and men touching me. I have plenty of male friends that I trust but I only allow my really close friend Rikki to touch me. His dad has been ill recently and I asked rikki to give his dad a get well soon card from me which he did today and his dad apparently wants to give me a big hug and I just freaked out over the phone to Rikki and burst into tears. Rikki calmed me down and I apologised and said I don’t mean offence it’s just the thought of hugging his dad I made me freak out. I have always been like this every since I was a child I always request a female doctor and I remember being in hospital a few years ago and I needed an ecg and I had to remove my bra and a male nurse came to do it and I had a massive panic attack and screamed no men don’t touch me no men my mum quickly stepped in and said can a woman do it please as she won’t let you touch her. Luckily the staff were so understanding and provided a female nurse. I just want to know is this an autistic thing? I’ve been in relationships with men and I was fine with being touched and I have got male friends as well but I make ask me if it’s ok to hug me apart from Rikki he is the only guy I am comfortable with if he touches me. Any men that read this as well if you have similar issues please feel free to share this thread is available to comment on from either gender. 

  • I intensely dislike being touched by anyone I do not know very well, of any gender or age. In contrast, with family and close friends, I am quite a hugger. 

  • I’m glad I’m not the only person who like it. I love hugs being hugged but only by women and Rikki. Yesterday I went over Rikki’s bed felt really low and he put his arm around me for a a cuddle and I cried but it really helped. I’ve been in relationships before with men and again it was nice snuggling up to them but I’m very timid and it takes a lot of trust with me especially after my previous relationship was abusive luckily Rikki understands this and is really gentle and caring and he knows what triggers me and how to calm me down. I think my issue was dating a neurotypical in my previous relationship and trying to act like one. With Rikki even though we not a couple we are really close he on the spectrum like me and it’s really nice. 

  • Not liking being touched can be an autistic thing, but it's also something I would discuss with a therapist in case theres something more at the root of it.

    I find a lot of men scary too, I know they don't mean to be, usually, but then sometimes they do and that never ends well. I don't think a lot of men realise how much women police thier own behaviour, can I safely go here or there or do that and at what time of day can I safely do it? Nor do they realise how many women carry thier keys with the biggest key sticking between the first two fingers, ready to jab it in the face of any attacker.

  • Rach, this is quite normal, and you are wise to only let really close friends  hug you, I am the same, it applies to men just as much as to the ladies and I have no inclination to hug or be hugged, that is a common trait of autism, I was diagnosed just a week ago on Wednesday and at 64 i am almost a pensioner, I hated team sports at school and as for the Rugby scrum YUCK!!!!!!, I hated it, I think you will find more people feel like you then you think, you are not alone, I have recently made a lady friend at church coffee morning, she is a teacher and came onto me unannounced(possibly sent by my spirit guide, i am recently bereaved and live alone having no family and having lost my mum) but she asked can I hug you and before I knew it she did!!, I was a bit taken aback but she has become a good friend, strange how things happen, I have told her about my autism diagnosis, no point in lying about that or covering it up, we do tend to stand out, sometimes I just wish I could melt away into the background and not be noticed, you are possibly the same.

  • Rach91 said:
    I just want to know is this an autistic thing?

    Yes it likely is. Autistic people often have hypersensitivities and it's common to not like being touched, especially unexpectedly.

    Even simple things like a pat on the shoulder can ruin my day. It's difficult to describe how or why, it's as if I continue to feel it for many hours afterwards and it's unwanted sensory input that I wasn't expecting.

    I only like hugs from certain people and only if I know it's going to happen.

    Although if you have a specific problem with men only then there may be something else going on - an aversion based on previous negative experience? Just guessing, I don't know anything about that kind of thing.