Autism and Marriage

Most likely too late of an answer, but mine would be yes and no. Yes because we do internalize more, I've come to understand that too, but no, because I've seen people I know well who are not autistic, the difference when they have been depressed, they too internalize and is shut off to the world. Know of someone who otherwise is always open and extrovert who got to be just like that when hit with depression. I've grown up with parents who periods, years of my life, struggled with depression and anxiety. Even if I myself have been there too my nervous system is sensitive to when I see signs of it in other people I know. I know what your husband feels like and I know too how it feels to be the one suffering from it. My husband too says he suffered the way your husband is when I had my burn out. I forced myself to follow schedules, plans, do things, may it be smal or big, but keep going and telling myself my brain was sick but healing. I have done similar to others I know suffering, but doing it reverse that is me asking them to help me out with something, can be something small,them helping me out. I would also dump an animal I have on them to then return and understand they had taken very good care of the animal while I was gone, I think we need that "push" at times and too fool the brain if occupied with something else that has to be done. Of course no big demands about a task and me not steering, deciding, you've got to feel your way. I would find escape-ways so that if we had decided to go somewhere but it got to be too much then return to the car (and have the car parked in a good spot where there is privacy) and simply stay there for the bigger amount of time out or return home. I've done that with someone else who at the time suffered, and I did the same when I did. Hoping you're doing better. 

Thank you for the recommendation I will check that website out 

Thank you - I’m glad to hear it’s an autism thing and not just me being rubbish. My partner is very supportive but I know he has struggled with my shut down periods and he does struggle to understand my masking as I do it pretty much every day and then he gets the wiped out version in the evenings when I don’t talk or engage in conversation. I’m sure once I’m through this burnout I can look at how I can manage my neurodivergent brain better. 

Thank you Bunny and thank you very much for the book recommendation. I need all the help I can get so I can navigate the world better as I’ve not done very well so far 

Thank you - I’m still learning so much about this and about myself it’s so lovely to be in a supportive understanding network 

Edited as not relevant to OP.

ANYWAY, with regards to the OP burnout takes recovery and then when space is available, communication can open up. I find embrace-autism.com/.../ a good website

Yes, I think it is an autistic thng, we tend to internalise more and maybe take much longer to work out what we're feeling so as we can tell anyone else.

One ex of mine, ended up doing an afternoon shift with me at the shop I worked in, he was amazed at how much energy it took to deal with customers who could come in looking for some quite specific advice and how to stay supportive and make no promises and remind them that I was a shop assistant, as well as taking and putting out deliveries and stuff. I managed after that to get him to give me 15 or 20 mins just to veg out in front of the telly whilst I put the day away and emptied my ears.

One of the things I've noticed about men, is that when thier partner needs to vent, they see a problem to be fixed, they don't see that the tools they need to fix things are on either side of thier head and that they just need to listen, say yes and no in the right places and leave you alone for a few minutes.

Hi and welcome to the community!

I'm very sorry to hear about your marriage struggles.

I recommend this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. It also includes various exercises that you can complete - ideally along with your husband - to help both of you to make the most of its advice:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this would now simply fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who each time. Still, I felt the book's benefits were well worth this inconvenience.

You might also find this NAS resource helpful:

NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

I wish you both all the best x

You are not the first member here to experience such issues, and I highly doubt you will be the last.

Although I'm not married and have no personal experience of the situation you find yourself in, there are other members who will be able to relate, and hopefully offer you some advice.

Even though we don't always mean to, shutting people out does seem to be quite a common trait... based on what I've read on these forums.