marriage ending following diagnosis

Hi Nikmum, 

I'm so sorry for you reading your post, and I hope you're doing okay.

We have a really similar situation here, but I was the one diagnosed with autism, not my ex. Although it was a great thing for me finally understanding who and why I am the way I am, I think it was the final straw for our relationship. I don't know why it had such an impact, but I was 49 when I was diagnosed and so tired of masking and pretending so perhaps after diagnosis was less able to fake happiness. We tried Relate, and both found it really helpful, but I don't think it could change what we were left with after 20 years. Relate do have counsellors with experience helping neurodivergent couples. It did allow us to be honest in a safe environment (my ex couldn't raise his voice or lose his temper with me in front of someone else).  For me, I knew I'd rather be single than pretending that we had anything more than a friendship or business partnership raising our children. I was keen that my children didn't assume that their parents relationship was normal, and hated to think they would settle for 'safe'. We are going through the separation now and it's hard, but not impossible. I hope this is helpful and not too negative as every relationship is different.

Best wishes and strength to you.

Wish you both all the best in the future ahead. You both gave it your best shot and it resulted among other things in the beauty of your two children and the good memories you have. I think it is good you feel you can let go of the bitterness that would have otherwise been left as you wrote your last words that the autism diagnos has help you overcome that. 

Well that conversation escalated in a direction I didn't expect! 

Interesting conversations and valid points on both parts.  

Strangely perhaps, as an autistic man I have always had a higher libido and am more spontaneously physically affectionate than my neurotypical wife. So the wide variety of both autism and human nature in general is evident once again.

It's ironic. One of the things I find most depressing is unlike men almost all women over 25 insist on acting their age. It's why a lot of men prefer to date younger women. Not just the looks, the attitude. I have to wonder if some of these childish husbands you refer to were hoping their wives would be a little more childish themselves. 

I've aways wondered if a lot of men resent having children but go along with it because they feel it's expected. After all how many women would agree to marry a man if he made it clear kids were off the table for the 1st ten years? Maybe some predominantly young women in their early 20s would be ok with that but I get the feeling for a lot of women that would be a deal breaker. I wouldn't be surprised if most men weren't initially reluctant fathers. I get the impression most men would prefer to be starting a family in their late 30s or even later but for women that's very hard biologically speaking and most people marry within their own age range.

That said if a man is working overtime all the time because it's the only way to make sure his kids are well provided for I think he's earned the odd toy. Not that that justifies being laissez-faire about his kids and what they need. But if the truth is that if the guy wasn't working over time regularly the kid wouldn't have PE kit or even maybe a separate bedroom I can understand why he feels he's entitled to the odd indulgence.

Your assumption is if your husband acts like a child he wanted you to mother him. Maybe sometimes he did want that sort of supporting approach. But I put to you that maybe sometimes what he really wanted was for you to get into the sandpit with him and make mud pies (metaphorically). Maybe your husband was looking for a playmate first and a mother to his children second.

You know Peter, I and many other women have split with partners bwcause we feel like we have another child rather than an equal partner, being ignored until bedtime is only the half of it. If bth partners work full time then how come its still the woen who do the majority of the home and child care? Why is the money, often less than the mans wage expected to go on things like bill's, food and stuff for the kids? Shouldn't a man be thinking equally about such boring stuff as school shoes and PE kit before a new toy for himself?

All in all your replies to me give a perfect example of why so any women can't be bothered with relationships any more.

I guess that the issue. If you have a stay at home spouse and a spouse at work both imagine the other has it easy because they don't see the stress the other goes through.

Working men particularly come home after a dreadful day at work and often they don't want to talk about it. They want some escapism. Home is their escapism from work. For women staying at home, especially if they have kids, their husband comes home and often all they want to talk about is their stressful day because they are still mentally connected to the stress that was happening in that house earlier.

I mean at least if both of them work they both know they had a stressful day, they can be honest with each other and say, 'F-this we're going out for tea and we're not worrying about home problems till the weekend.' Of course that is easier if you don't have kids which might be why so many couples are choosing not to have kids.

And of course often one partner wants kids more than the other or sooner so their attitude is often, 'well you signed up for this extra stress when you pushed for kids.' So they don't feel too sympathetic when the other complains life with the kids is stressful.

Maybe we should be asking ourselves why our jobs are so stressful, our hours so long, why so often both parents need to work full time when really raising kids is a full time job. It would be nice if the minimum wage was set under the understanding that it needs to support a spouse and child not just one person. Then families could have one FTE stay at home parent and couples could divide that up between them as their career allowed.

As for the hair cut thing most of the stuff women of a certain age do is just in the name of looking younger than they are. All of us want to maintain the illusion that we are still teenage heartthrobs. So the best case scenario is that you succeed and no one notices. Things like skin cream, dying your roots. By definition it's not meant to be noticed. And the only reason men don't do it is there is no industry dedicated to it.

Actually men do do it. Men will spend huge amounts on hair loss prevention shampoo, hair transplants. But by and large their attitude is 'I'm doing this for me,' which I think is a good attitude to have. A woman's hair cut, the handbag and accessories, they are for herself or other women more than men. If a woman wants a mans attention I would suggest she's better putting on a mini skirt and a push up bra than getting a hair cut. Because most men are unconcerned with subtlety in personal appearance (theirs or others).

If you want a man to be impressed with a haircut go dramatic like get a beehive or turn up in pigtails. There are no points for subtlety or understatement with most men.

I suspect they are Peter, it's not providing emotional support that makes me feel like a mother, its the having to do everything and the general lack of support that I've experienced. Having your partner go into a massive sulk because you're post operative and hurt all over and the last thing you want, need or that is medically advisable is sex just puts you off for the long term, or it did me anyway. Sex is great or it can be, but when it's transactional and is the only form of emotional support on offer I ask myself why I bother and who is this for, because it dosen't feel like it's for me, especially when I come home with my hair a load shorter and a different colour and it's still not been noticed three weeks later leads me to wondering if I'm seen at all or am I totally invisible until bedtime?

Tim007 said:

hanky-panky

I haven't heard that term in years.

Thank you for using it.

Tim007 said:

, I am yet to tell her of my recent autism diagnosis, will on Sunday when we have lunch out together.

• I hope that goes well.

Companionship is invaluable.

I have to say I have problems with relationships and recently had a fall out with a lady friend(we have since got back together) with out going into all the details of our relationship we each thought the other wanted something that was not on the table, SEX, and for a while we split up and became each others ex, I am 64, my friend is in her 70's and is a retired teacher, I think we are both to old for any hanky-panky and I did not want it anyway, I am yet to tell her of my recent autism diagnosis, will on Sunday when we have lunch out together.

Tbh emotional support and sex go together for a lot of men and a lot of men find it odd that woman don't feel the same way. So if your idea of 'mothering' is providing emotional support I think you'll find for a lot of men the sex is that too. There are probably a lot men who see their wife sitting depressed on the sofa and feel like asking 'do you want me to take my clothes off and do that thing you like.' They are genuinely surprised when they discover their other half isn't keen on receiving emotional support in the form of sexual favours.

I've found that some men expect you to change into thier mother everywhere except the bedroom when they want you to be a porn star. I can't do that switch, of having to behave like someones mother to being a porn star in the time it takes to go upstairs and have a wash and clean my teeth before bed. It made me feel like a child abuser.

they say men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping they will change and both are doomed to be disappointed. However when it's autism and the way some one is is wired into their brain before birth you realise some things really are never going to change. However that isn't to say everything is set in stone. all human beings learn and adapt. Does it really matter if he has to remind himself to tell you he loves you if he really does love you?

It's easier when I'm feeling strong and can cope with life's challenges, but when it all gets too much or I'm physically ill or drained that's when I find it most difficult and the lack or emotional support and affection is glaringly obvious.  I don't think we're demanding or needy, I think the reciprocity of care and small gestures to show love are so important.  

I somewhat selfishly feel short changed. You spend so long investing and trying to work out and communicate the upset and loneliness of lack of affection or gestures to make you feel loved. To find out that will never come is devastating. I am a swinging pendulum of stay/go. 

He's a good man and I do love him but the days where you feel like you're not seen or supported are hard.

I've made comments on a couple of threads that I don't have a magic solution, I'm in the same position but actually knowing others are experiencing the same difficulties helps me lessen the guilt that I must be an awful needy demanding person. 

If hallmark make a card for it I will get a gift or a gesture. Make a cuppa on a random Tuesday because that's a nice thing to do ..never.

Sending love and best wishes. 

Kate