Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello lovely people! I'm a late diagnosed autistic adult, and I've been trying to work on my imposter syndrome. I was convinced I was autistic right up until I was diagnosed, and now that it's official I keep questioning it (as I am overall functioning fairly well, on average, especially since I started working from home, which has removed the majority of my social triggers).
One thing that keeps making me feel like an imposter is that I hate research. It stresses me out. There is so much information out there, I find it overwhelming, having to choose how and what to look for, and then there is so much to read or watch. I know wanting to learn everything about a subject is a big aspect of autism, researching things in depth etc, so not enjoying research makes me feel like an imposter within the autistic community. I do spend a lot of time checking things before buying so I know I'm buying the right thing, but I hate doing it. And one thing that doesn't help me at all is that I rarely research new places I'm going to, how I'm going to get there, where I'll park etc, because the research stresses me out so I ignore it or leave it to the last second. But then I get to the place and I get overwhelmed because I don't know where to park etc.
Can anyone relate to this? Do you have any recommendations for ways to approach research in a smaller, less overwhelming and stressful way?
Yes, research is overwhelming. When I research something, I divide my task into smaller parts, I read something, give myself time to process it and continue later, when I have power again. It also helps me eliminate fake information, because by processing the information I also deeply analyse it. I’m such an analytic type. As for diagnosis I don’t do it. I don’t want any imposter syndrome, I don’t want to hear stupid and irritating comments from others “we all are a little bit autistic” or “it’s trendy now, you just want attention” “you don’t look autistic” etc. I just wanna have a peace, it’s impossible for my mind to be peaceful but at least I try. Congratulations on getting diagnosis and remember one thing: everyone is different, everyone experiences life differently and not everyone must tick all the boxes. For me honestly researching in the internet is overwhelming, but if I catch an Encyclopedia … I can hyperfocus on reading the information in it and forget about the whole world around. i was bullied for loving encyclopedias and asking for them as my birthday gifts. what I noticed in this forum (it’s kinda toxic to ourselves I think) but I understand where it comes from. I mean the constant checking if we tick enough boxes, if we are autistic enough to call ourselves autistic. I also find myself in this group. I guess this is how our brains torture us. sorry my post turns out to not be much positive, but I wish you all best.
That is all very true. I personally pursued a diagnosis because I didn't dare make accommodations for myself without having "proof" I needed it. Like I didn't have the right to. Which is stupid, but that's how I felt. The constant wondering whether I was autistic or not was driving me insane. Now I know, although I do have this imposter syndrome sometimes, it has removed the question and I am more at peace. I don't go around shouting it from the rooftops and only tell people if I feel there is a good reason, and often there isn't, so I keep it to myself. But I am slowly understanding myself more and finding ways to help myself. Not super easy with a toddler, I basically got my diagnosis at the same time as I became a mum, and they are both quite overwhelming things. Being a parent to a toddler is difficult anyway, but I am finding that I get overwhelmed easily (but at least I'm becoming more aware of it so I am able to ask for a break before it brings me to a meltdown). I hope you are finding ways to help yourself, an official diagnosis is definitely not necessary for everyone. I think we know, and we can tell if things help or not, and that's enough. Good luck to you!