Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone!
Last week I received an advisory diagnosis at 31. I wanted to ask what people's experiences are with relationships.
Social cues are an area I struggle with, and I've found it very difficult to form romantic relationships.
I've never had a committed relationship; there have been a handful of short 'flings' (doesn't feel like the right word, but I'm not sure what the right word is), nothing longer than a couple of months, and not many of those. I have had a couple of opportunities to start real relationships, but they haven't felt quite right and I've backed away. The rare times I think I've found someone who things could work with, I have no idea what to do to make it happen, and what I do try tends not to work, whether that's attempting to be my true self, or trying to be more "normal" (the same goes for more casual interest).
I'm a straight man, and where things have happened for me, it's been a case of the woman involved deciding that she wants to make things happen before we've spoken much. If I realize this has happened, it then feels like walking a tightrope of trying not to mess things up by saying the wrong thing under pressure or being weird. Sometimes I manage this, but more often I don't!
I love female company, and I have very strong, long-term friendships with women. It bothers me that I'm able to form deep, reciprocal emotional connections, but when sex or emotional attraction are involved I become socially dysfunctional and it seems impossible. It's a difficult thing to find people to talk to about, because while relationships aren't a walk in the park for anyone, no one I know really has a similar story, and they care but can't quite understand why I find it so much harder than most people. I've learned over the years how to mask and leave people with the impression that things have gone better for me than they really have, which can make an individual conversation less embarrassing, but is ultimately a lonely experience.
It's been really comforting and validating reading about other people's experiences on here! I'd love to hear more from people about this, whether your experience is similar to mine or completely different. What are the challenges for you in finding and maintaining relationships? What strengths do you feel you can bring? Have you found strategies that help you manage better?This is my first post. I'm looking forward to hearing from people and making friends! Thanks
Relationships are complicated, I've had my heart broken in the past many times, It's something that will need to take time and a lot of trust that's for sure
Cheers Rob! This sounds quite familiar
I met my husband on dating site. Third person who texted me. I always say, that if there was no internet, I would have always been single. It’s because I’m unable to flirt. I remember situations from my early 20’s when someone tried to flirt with me, but I got offended because I was sure it was a bully I stead of flirt. My sisters laughed at me and wondered how is it possible that I’m so blind.
I know how you feel. I am 54 and married for nearly 20 years but still struggle. I had no idea about how you went from chatting one minuite to having sex the next , I had no clue. I only learnt that over time and experience. I tended to have a very low self worth and had no idea why any women would be attracted to me, ever. It took me to my thirties to work out what most people do in their teens. I always thought women were far more confident than me and had all the knowledge where I had none. They I worked out they were as confused as me. The whole relationship thing is just down to luck to be honest.
For me in my early 30's I was in a place when I needed to settle down, life just aligned. I did online dating, but it was VERY diffrent back then, you didn't tend to have time wasters on there, and people oftern didn't even have photos. My marriage isn't perfect but its 20 years next year.
Rob
I think that if a relationship fails because you are completely honest, then that person probably isn't right for you. If you can't be honest from the beginning, when is the right time to start?
I've always struggled. I've as I'm reluctant to approach anyone I'm attracted to. Fortunately others aren't so like minded and have shown interest in me, not a clue why but they did (thankfully).
I've always found difficult to connect emotionally. At first it's a bit scary/new/exciting and then over time it becomes comfortable and relaxed but I'm sure that's the same for others to.
I've been married for over 20 years and I'm definitely in the later bracket now .I met my wife at a pub quiz and I didn't scare her off, she found me interesting.and it went from there.
Having someone with a similar interest, whether it's a pub quiz, book club, going to the gym (perish the thought personally). In my area there is a group that is for people with ASD that do activities.
I think people used to meet either through work, social activities or through a friend (of a friend etc) now people tend to live quite separate lives often staring into a screen, oblivious of the world around them.
The older I get, the more emotionally disconnected I become. it's more about familiarity, safety and comfortable. (Companionship). Obviously my wife is very lucky to have me as I'm such a catch We work well together I think.
Good luck
Thanks ROSOLot and Mark (formerly Spikey)
It's great to hear how being open and honest has made things easier. On one hand, I feel I've had a couple of prospective relationships fail in recent years from being too honest too early. Have you found it easier to do that in a way that doesn't bother people as a result of being diagnosed?
Hi,
If you decide to stick around, can I recommend that you give yourself a profile picture and change your name, All the NASnumbers blend into one. The post won't disappear.
It sounds like you have got past the first hurdles so you do have good foundations.
No one has the key to relationships, as I am sure you know.
Strengths? When I was diagnosed, my wife had said to the assessors that she was attracted to me partly because I didn't play games unlike my predecessors. (meaning mind games). Though I have had to learn how to sugar coat a little bit.
Hey there,
Relationships are a difficult thing to navigate right?
Challenges: Anxiety around uncertainty like for example if their energy suddenly changes towards you and I am constantly thinking "did I do something wrong?"
Strengths: Complete honesty about your traits. For example, I let people know how I communicate and that social situations can make me feel overwhelmed. I am so grateful my current partner understands all of this and is so amazing.
Strategies: Be open about your traits and how they affect you. I have been so surprised on how this honest approach has allowed me to have authentic relationships (romantic/platonic friendships/family)
Hope this helps ️