Published on 12, July, 2020
At the prompting from another post I wondered if anyone else was interested in a thread about living with a partner on the spectrum and having a child/children on with ASD too.
I had always suspected my partner was on the spectrum even when I first met him..but it wasn't an issue for us until our children arrived. We accepted the differences and his strengths covered my weaknesses and vice versa.
I became very ill through pregnancy and during a traumatic birth our twins arrived and they too had/have many health issues. As mine and the childrens health became a big issue my partner struggled to cope..eventually overloading into depression. He seemed at times to care more about our dogs than the family as a whole..but I understand this better now.
Around this time my children were starting school and one son has had serious issues with behaviour and a year down the line is still struggling to 'fit'. So both my guys are awaiting the lengthy assessment process. I often wonder whether I am 'doing the right thing' pushing for dx but I cannot see any other route to get the school to act in a more appropriate way to help my son realise his potential.
As DS is very bright and achieving academically the feeling is the problems 'must lie at home'. Factor into this my partners social problems and the finger repeatedly 'points his way'..eg..they think he is the issue and I am 'cowed' by him because they do not understand his fixed expression and see it as arrogant or aloofness. This is such a joke.
SO it almost feels like we are 'clearing our name' by trying to prove there is a genetic factor in play here..my partner had the exact same issues with school as DS is having..and seemingly so did his Dad too. It's like a whole can of misunderstandings is surfacing after years in the wilderness.
I in the meantime am treading a line precariously in trying to understand how to help my son and partner cope with the stresses of life and the confusing social aspects they find themselves flung into...I screw up a lot..but I also get it right too sometimes..which always pleasantly surprises us all.
I know there must be others out there who have a partner and children on the spectrum and would love to learn from their experiences.
Kind regards
x
I do understand...my mum is 71 and we have many conversations..some she understands others are beyond her reasoning. She did grasp today that the boys would not enjoy a big birthday party..it saddened her that she couldn't throw a big bash and invite all her neighbours round to admire my her gorgeous grandchildren>..BUT she did realise it would be an awful strain on the whole family and I was grateful for that.
O used to look forward to her coming when he was little but ignore her when she arrived, not looking round and just saying a curt 'hi nanny'. We had done things in little drips and he can now run and cuddle her briefly and I even think he gets some pleasure from it now, despite it being brief. My mum says it means more to her when he does this cause she realises it doesn't come naturally to him and makes it special.
It's a bit different with O as he actually wants to hug and cuddle quite often but he just can't get it right..he either headbutts or knocks people flying (quite unintentional he just can't get the tone of his greeting right). I think he's working on the therory..the harder he does it the more he's showing affection. Makes him unpopualr at school.
My Mum has also started to see that my partner doesn't dislike her because he flinches when she touches him..he actually really likes both my parents but like O it's all a bit off hilter.
Having said that my parents make a load of gaffs and blunders..being demonstrative and talkative by nature it's hard for them not to inadvertently cause stress and nervousness in ASD prone people.
I don't know about you but I feel I am always refereeing some misunderstanding or another between the NT and ASD member of my family. It's hard work and very tiring at times..who am I kidding all the time..it's like the UN here most days.
Keep yer chin up you are doing a great job
xxxx