Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, my first post so bear with me! :)
I was diagnosed in April this year at 38. It didn’t really come as a shock to me or my family. I was pleased in a way because I know the reason I am the way I am, and now I try to embrace my true self because I feel I’ve masked enough during my life.
I’ve struggled today though. I told a “trusted” colleague at work and was met with an attitude that has made me wish I hadn’t. They questioned whether I was actually medically diagnosed (I am but it shouldn’t matter?) they then said that the differences I have and struggle with are “things everyone deals with lumped under the name of autism”. I was gobsmacked by this comment.
I feel completely foolish that I trusted this person when usually I’m extremely private. Although I am aware that it’s their problem and not mine. I just wished I’d kept quiet. I thought this person would be supportive - how wrong I was.
No one else is aware of my autism at work and I’ve been reluctant to tell others because it doesn’t affect my work and I believe peoples attitudes will change around me. I’ve occasionally heard people use the terms “spectrum” and “autistic” as a means to insult others. This offends me and scares me into not saying anything.
I realise I’m lucky that I have my immediate family’s support, not everyone has that and I appreciate it. I just wonder if anyone else has struggled with telling friends, colleagues etc? How did you deal with ignorant comments?
I tell people at work quite freely, if only to challenge their stereotypes. Am 52 just diagnosed Feb this year, and I think I am reaching the point in my life that there are a few people whose opinion I value, the rest of the world has a lesser impact (at least, today it does!!). I am still reading up on it, particularly lived experience books, so I can understand better how it works. I don't think I knew anyone autistic until I babysat an 8 year old when I was in my 20s, and I turned out to be his favourite babysitter because I was clear and consistent. I just thought he was quiet and introverted... but then I wasn't playing loud music/TV... That kind of consistent that my sister called me supernanny when I looked after her kids.
Friends: I told some, most reacted "so...?" as it wasn't important to them, or they weren't surprised. One friend I hadn't told, started complaining about her friend's violently autistic grandson, so I felt duty bound to set her straight on that one, then told her my diagnosis so she knew where I was coming from. She was pretty disbelieving at first (in her late 70s and only the stereotypical image from the media), but then got it. Since I wrote her a massive post with information, I haven't really heard from her. But we are only in contact sporadically, so not worried.
Family: not told any of them (sister, nieces, nephews, mum, aunts & uncles, cousins) for the same kind of reason. It would serve no purpose.
How I deal with ignorant comments... often a raised eyebrow and a smirk, sometimes I set them straight, sometimes I question their assumptions. It all depends on how much energy I have at the time.
I hope to have that same confidence to tell work people eventually and challenge their views. You’re absolutely right that how much energy we have determines how we deal with people. Perhaps next time I hear such a comment I’ll try questioning them and see how that goes
think the worst comment I had was 'but you are normal aren't you?' I did challenge the person, but she's not the brightest of sparks to begin with, so it didn't go well. I do challenge people, often by asking them what they think autism is, they often dont' really know, or think of the worst cases they may have seen on tv.
If your collegue thinks these things are so normal, maybe they are for him, because like you he might be autistic too and not know? I do wonder how many more autistic adults there are out there who've never been diagnosed and would never seek diagnosis because they mask so effectively they even mask from themselves?
Thanks Iris, actually it didn't take any guts at all, asking her that question gave me time to take several deep breaths so as not to strangle her, she's someone I see fairly often and try to avoid. I'm glad that the person at work thought about your exchange and is being more accepting now, maybe think on it not as ignorance as such, but about how well you've masked in the past.
I'm open about being autistic, I tell most people, if they're going to go off on one about it, then I'd rather they did it sooner rather than later and then I don't have to put more energy into things.
They were a lot more open to learning about it today. I think perhaps they’d thought about it last night. They said that it made sense to them about how I do certain things in my workplace and helped them understand me more.
that’s a horrible comment you received but good on you for challenging them. That takes guts!