Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
My son is autistic and he has been in a relationship for 5 years, his girlfriend is also autistic. We have a close relationship and so we spoke a lot about consent, respect etc. At the start there were a lot of red flags but they were ignored or overlooked or excused because of his girlfriend’s autism. She spent most weekends at our house but the whole time she was here they were shut in his room. We barely saw her. Any attempts to spend time with us were shut down and the times she was there, sone thing dramatic always happened to take them away. If we spent time alone with son she would call with a crisis and he would go running. They trauma bonded I guess so lots of chatting at the start. And then she started to criticise everything about his family - my close bond with him was seen as toxic and controlling, his brothers (also autistic) were seen as brats because they wanted to see her when she was here just to say hi and she didn’t want it. It got to the point where he felt we hadn’t ever liked him, had controlled him and not respected his boundaries. This isn’t true at all, he had privacy but he also has a lot of anxiety and didn’t like being alone and so he chose to spend most of his time with us because we supported him a lot with his needs. It’s all seen in a very black and white way, but it doesn’t paint a true picture and feels like his whole childhood has been re written by her.. I can now see what feels like attempts to isolate him from us. He has moved out and we barely see him, when we do it is tiny bits of time that are very controlled, or she will be sitting in the car outside waiting. She needs to know everything we said or read every message so she can tell him what we meant by it. He also looks to her for all guidance and support, it’s like she is his moral compass and decision maker. We asked about 2 years into the relationship if we could swap numbers with her and she told him she didn’t feel comfortable with it.
i don’t really know what to do or how to handle it. Looking back it was so obvious, but at the time we were so happy he was living life and goojg out again and he seemed happy.
Are there any resources available to help with this, or has anyone experienced anything similar? We just need to make sure they are both safe and that their relationship is healthy. They think it is, but unfortunately it doesn’t appear to be this way from the outside. They are adults - 20 now - but both of them are still very vulnerable, so there is a lot of resistance on their part for external help
NAS95048 said:i don’t really know what to do or how to handle it.
Now they are adults you have almost no influence I'm afraid. The best you can do is remind your son you are there for him and you love him so if he ever needs to talk then you are there.
Trying to interfere will only prove his grlfriend right and is likely to lead to further alienation.
2 autistic people together can lead to some very strange relationship dynamics by normal standards but so long as they are happy together and there is no abuse then I would just let them be and take what contact is offered.
I recall distancing myself from my parents in my early 20s with my first serious relationship but that was more because I wanted to prove myself as independent and wanted to live on my terms away from their rules.
They will make but so long as you are there for them to help pick up the pieces without saying "we told you so" then this will help you grow in their esteem. They need to learn from their own failures.
That's how I see the options here - but I'm an old Gen X so my ideas are not necessarily reflected in the values of todays society.