Hi it’s been the worst & most horrible frustrating boring week which I have no words to describe how bad it has been !!!
The only thing I can remember is me laying on the couch scrolling TikTok & sleeping & so on…
This is because I have no other option & I still want to be productive & be that girl but I’m not willing to put myself out there… ( mom thinks I don’t do work because of social media when I try to say I’m on the phone because I don’t have any other choice but it’s honestly because the only thing I could do is just SCROLL because I don’t see any point of doing anything anymore!!!)
And I don’t even know whether this is what’s called an autistic burnout or BAD KARMA & it’s been more than a week now!!!
They informed me that I have work at Morrisons tomorrow 8am to 4pm & I have no idea what to do about it! I always struggle with consistency because of my unpredictable mood shifts. I usually start part time jobs with 120% effort & end up 0%
The more mom wants me to go tomorrow the more I don’t want to go & its not just because I hate being told what to do ( I think it’s because they don’t seem to understand what’s going on with me & me thinking that they’re not willing to give me the best advice)
And sometimes I wonder how other people feel during the day when I feel nothing! Like whether they feel a sense of control in their own life while i don’t! Like how come they enjoy life & do not ghost other people & maintain friendships ( which is always a misery to me)
Most of the time when I’m like this ( whatever it’s called) I often find myself judging & comparing myself to people on social media ( hating my face structure, my body, appearance & lack of self care because I don’t see any point of doing it because whatever I do i feel so ugly & useless!)
I wish I don’t even EXIST when feeling like this & not knowing when will I be able to feel NORMAL again…
Ngl but more than half of my life Is spent like this not knowing who I am & why I’m here…
thank you very much for listening!!!
XXX