Published on 12, July, 2020
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. I am NT whereas he has autism. So far we have managed well in our relationship in terms of communication, however it is a different story when texting. In person we are both very invested with each other, he makes an effort to be invested in my life and tends to ask a lot of questions, I do the same. Our conversations are very much two-way. However, when we text it is completely different. He will not ask me questions about what I’ve been up to or how I am nor will he answer any of my questions in great detail. For example, I will ask him what he’s been up to and I will receive a one-word answer. I know he is doing this due to his autism and I have a lot of sympathy for that but I am starting to struggle with this communication over the phone. He will also rarely text me unless I reach out first which sometimes makes me feel a bit unwanted, he has told me he loves when I give him updates on my day and enjoys reading them because he misses me but that still doesn’t make me feel any better. Sometimes I think that if I were to never text him again he would not say or do anything about it.
In September we will both be going off to uni, neither of us know which ones yet however there are two potential scenarios. One: he ends up at a uni 1 hour and a half away from me or two: we end up 8 hours away from each other. The first option would mean we could see each other during term time which would be ideal but the second option would mean not seeing each other in person for months on end. I am really worried that this will happen mostly because of his behaviour when texting, I’ve tried talking to him about this before and he understands where I’m coming from and says he will try his best to remember but personally I just can’t understand how he can think of me and it not occur to him to go ‘I should text her’ as personally that’s how my thought pattern is. But I know our brains work differently and therefore that is not how he thinks but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on strengthening our communication and/or helping me understand his thought process in this? I am desperate to make this work as I love him very much, despite this he is a brilliant guy and I am so lucky to have him but I am just really struggling here.
I've been with my wife for over 20 years and she still complains that I'm like this. We are still together though and we both know that the other loves them very much. I have learned to make more of an effort, and she has learned to be a bit more understanding.
I just think you have to clearly explain this all to him without making him feel deficient in any way. You both just see the world differently.
NAS94922 said:I know he is doing this due to his autism and I have a lot of sympathy for that but I am starting to struggle with this communication over the phone. He will also rarely text me unless I reach out first which sometimes makes me feel a bit unwanted
This sounds quite like me (I'm autistic) - I don't like using text as a form of communication for relationship stuff - it lacks nuance enough to be meaningful to me so I dislike using it even though I know my wife is prefers it.
It feels artificial, sterile and imporsonal when it is only a click away from using it to make a call and feel that the other person is actually there and making the time for you.
If you must keep using this for conversations rather than just sending info then take the time to explain exactly what you expect from this. Tell him you want him to take the initiative and ask how your day is going, to make the odd romantic gesture and to do more than just answer the question you made - it needs to be a flow of communication like when you talk together.
He may well just not "get" what you are expecting. It happens a lot for us.
NAS94922 said:In September we will both be going off to uni, neither of us know which ones yet however there are two potential scenarios.
I remember going to uni and the strains this put on my relationship at the time. It seems a common situation with young lovers when it pulls them in different directions and my advice probably won't be what you want to hear.
My advice it to agree to meet up when you are back home but otherwise live your lives separately.
The reason is that uni offers so much in the way of new experiences, personal growth, new people, opportunities for experimenting and having a distance relationship holiding you back is going to feel like an anchor attached to your ankle after a while.
You will worry if your partner is taking up the offers of a no strings attached hookup, a drunken tumble or falling in love with someone who is there to offer them comfort when you are not.
What happens if one drops out, one gets a placement for a year overseas or one goes on to post grad while the other just completes the basic degree? So many unknowns, few of them with much promise.
The strains of from this cause the majority of relationships to break which is why I suggest you "take a break" and catch up informally as friends.
Given that you are struggling now, it shows little opportunity for improvement with distance.
I tried it and it failed after a few months - my girlfriend was jealous, insecure and when we met up every weekend it meant we missed out on the things our friends were doing (at the location we were absent from) so we ended up becoming distant from our friends too.
If you can leave it on a good note with a date to catch up again then there is always a chance you can rediscover one another and relight that flame.
I realise it isn't what you asked for but I thought my experience (direct and through that of my aquantancies at uni) may help you know what to expect and how to avoid it.
I personally loathe and despise "texting" particularly on a smartfone with that annoying "I'll finish your words for you incorrectly for you" feature.
Typing is a nightmare for me, involving a LOT of editing and de-mistransposing letters, but at least you can "edit" with typnig so it IS possible to produce a clean loking piece, whereas I gave up on handwriting long ago...
Maybe he is wired somewhat the same as me?
I prefer emails if I have to type, & Zoom if I have to talk. (Zoom works much better than hands mobile phone telephony, and I WON'T put a radio transmitter that close to my ear, especially DECT phones which really do seem to heat up my ear uncomfortably in a very short time).