Published on 12, July, 2020
Apart from the „what's neurotypical behaviour vs. whats autistic behaviour“ thing: I am interested in the cause that people suddenly stop contact. Why is that? I see it a lot: Everything seems to be fine and then suddenly: they are no longer available.
Let me give you some examples:
I get help from a social service where a social worker comes to my house to help me with things like driving to the car wash, looking for a smaller apartment for me and my elderly mother, making phone calls. Four of these women who used to help me just stopped coming without explanation and did not respond to my emails. I had to contact their boss and demand that they send me another person. I even switched to another provider, but it was the same there: they ghosted me after a few meetings.
Another example: because I am afraid of driving in heavy traffic, I contacted my former driving instructor, with whom I always got along quite well. He was very nice and we had, I think, 6 or 7 lessons and planned to do some highway driving. Then I was in the hospital for a week and texted him that I would be home on June 15th. He wished me well and when I got home from the hospital I ran into him at the mall. We said we would text the next week. It was always he who contacted me because he is very busy and he had to squeeze me in. This time he never got back to me. I am afraid that I have done something wrong. I feel like the annoying teenager I was when I took my first driving lesson, and now I'm imagining him thinking, "Oh, please, not her again. She’s so burdensome. I’ll just ghost her"
And speaking of the phenomenon in my family, my sisters just reduced their contact with me to a minimum. Nothing bad happened, but I think they can't stand the fact that I have to take care of my mother, who is disabled. They say I should have my own life, just like them, and I would either have to be loyal to my mother or to them, I would have to choose. I didn't even understand what they meant. My mother needs me and they have never been able to afford to help when things got difficult. They have their own life (no children but lots of hobbies) and I'm boring or what?
I could give you more examples (there was the doctor who just disappeared and left me without care, or the woman I considered a friend who started canceling our meetings at the last moment every time), but I don't want to bore you with my sad stories.
I just don't understand what to make of it. Am I just something to throw away when other things are more interesting?
Believe me: I’m not the kind of person who gets on people's nerves by constantly texting or calling or begging for dates.
I was taught from an early age not to be annoying and that people have their own lives that I have to respect. I am never part of that life. Is that the problem? Do I have to text and call and beg because people want to be seen and adored and they want to feel like heroes? But that's not my approach. That's not how I deal with relationships.
I'm just nice and friendly (at least I try), listen to them (people tend to tell me everything, maybe that's a problem too?) but I need a lot of space. I need a lot of quiet time. Structure. I am not a party person. So I cannot be around people constantly.
I always try not to talk about my special interests when I’m with people and never be unempathetic.
I ask myself, what's wrong? Other people have friends and family that care. I always try to do my best, but people tend to treat me like something unimportant, like a tissue that can be thrown away after use, even when I pay them to spend time with me like the women from the social service agency.
Is it a sign of the times? Are we like this today? Is this normal? What do you think?
Gabby said:my uncertainty about how to go about it has prevented me from asking people directly what the problem is.
I would suggest writing a letter to do this - you can take your time to write and reshape it until it feels right then email / post / hand over the letter to whoever it is intended for and ask them to give you an honest response.
Gabby said:I still remember my school days when I often got a shrug or the answer: "Don't be so weird, just be like us" when I asked directly about interpersonal problems.
I remember this well - I used to ask some teachers instead (out of class) and found I would often get a clear answer as often as a cuff around the ear and told "don't ask impertinent questions".
People working in the care sector generally tend to be poorly paid for the jobs they do, which are often demanding and stressful. In addition, there can be time constraints, which just adds to the pressure they are under. More often than not, the time they have available to spend with their 'clients' isn't long enough, and their working day doesn't factor in the time it can take to travel to their various 'clients'. This all contributes to a high turnover of the workforce, or at least it does in the UK.
Of course, none of what I have stated above explains why the social service agency/agencies you use completely break off contact with you and don't respond to your e-mails. It only provides a possible explanation as to why the people they employ are no longer supporting you. As I have no knowledge of how the care sector operates outside of the UK, I feel it would be unhelpful of me to speculate on the reason(s) why they break off contact with you.
Thank you for taking the time to think about my problem. What you write is in no way offensive, far from it: I have already thought about this approach, and only my uncertainty about how to go about it has prevented me from asking people directly what the problem is. I find it quite difficult to initiate a conversation about interpersonal problems (one reason why the women from the social services visit me every other week). Unfortunately, I still remember my school days when I often got a shrug or the answer: "Don't be so weird, just be like us" when I asked directly about interpersonal problems. But that is just a memory in my head, I know. You're right: it's better to at least try to talk about a possible misunderstanding so that I have an idea of what to do next. Having another book on the subject is a good idea, it has often helped me to read something theoretical about problems that I encounter in life. I don't think I know the book (although I have read some of Temple Grandin's work). I'll definitely will look into it, thanks again!
Unfortunately it does seem to normal these days. It's actually extremely rude, to say the least!, but noone seems to care about other people's feelings enough to actually think about that.
No it is not you people are unkind . have a wonderful sister aunt and a really good friend but my Father has been a disaster he has offered zero support
when it comes to people who are paid to assist us there will be turn over and burnout. I think this is the case with some of your examples. It is up to you to see your provider sees to you needs according to your health coverage. The people who. are sent are working at a job and when the job is doent they move on.
As for the more personal connections it may be that isolation and a different focus have brought you to a place where you are not connecting with others who have very different lives and interests. You main interest seems to be on care giving. If that's the case and you are enjoying it you can go to supports for caregivers to meet eachother and talk about your lives as they revolve around the care of another person. I'm sure there are support groups in your area, perhaps? Something to try.
Also as you seem to bond with other quickly and deeply, even paid staff, it may be something you need to address. You seem to experience feeling of abandonment and you want continuity from the other person. This may feel over whelming for them and a burden they cannot carry for you. A therapist can help you see your patterns as they emerge more clearly.
Can your insurance provide you with some therapy options to work through that?
I have had experience of some people not getting back to me tending to think I have done something wrong and when I next see them I discover in their busy lives they just forgot.
Gabby said:I just don't understand what to make of it.
Hello Gabby, I'm going to make a suggestion that will be rather blunt and you may be offended by but please read it all as it is intended as a way to help with your situation.
You mentioned that the following people have started ghosting you:
Four women who used to help at homeThe replacement people for the womenYour driving instructorYour sisterand more.
There is one thing they all have in common. You.
You have said you don't know why this is happening so I would suggest having a blunt talk with some of them to ask why - please help me understand.
My thoughs - which are based only on what you have written - are that your manner of communicating is causing them to think you are difficult to get on with. It clearly does not seem to be intentional which is why I suggested getting clarification.
Many of us autists have poor interpersonal skills and can easily offend neurotypicals. This is a hard skill to master without someone neurotypical to teach you but the following book should teach you enough about the rules of interaction that should help with a lot of this:
The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)ISBN: 9781941765388
Once you have some feedback from a few of them it should make it clear if this is the case. It could be something else (eg you have 100 cats living with you, your eat several cloves or raw garlic a day etc) so is worth understanding to help find a way forward.
I hope I haven't upset you with this but it can be a challenge for people to talk honestly about difficult issues sometimes.
I personally think it's disrespectful if you don't at least inform someone about where you're at.
I make exceptions if you feel really uncomfortable around them because they're horrible, but I've had people I consider friends go completely dark.