Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi folks,
I'm wondering what your advice might be for me. I'm an autistic man in his 40s, diagnosed just under a year ago (privately). I've been with my now husband (who has ADHD) for about 12 years. A regular problem of our relationship has been that he feels I don't emotionally support him. He says I hurt him, misunderstand him, gaslight him all with the effect that he struggles with his self-esteem and feels his needs aren't validated or recognised. I don't mean to do any of this but am absolutely at sea as to how to fix any of it - and he says he doesn't trust that I want to. I've been trying to look into these kind of dynamics in autistic/non-autistic relationships and it seems that it's a well-known paradigm, often described as Cassandra Syndrome (although lots of the stuff around that feels problematic to me) but all the advice seems to be directed at the non-autistic person in terms of coping better with their autistic partner. I'm still learning to mask less (and I'm in counselling) and I would really value any pointers about things I can do in this situation that aren't just trying to wear a better mask (which apart from exhausting me, my husband will see through in a moment any way). I feel like I'm in a position where I can describe the problem (the cartoon part way down https://www.connections-counselling.co.uk/blog/cassandra-phenomenon-a-systemic-perspective/ is a pretty good summation of our repeated dynamic) but I don't know even where to start in overcoming it.
Thank you.
Thank you. I really appreciate the solidarity.
Hi! Sorry I haven’t actually got any advice as such but I just want to say I completely resonate with what you are saying.
The last thing I would ever want to do is intentionally upset my partner, and in the past when I’ve done this without realising it has broken me. My partner is incredible and has been going through grief for the past 6 months. Although she has never said I haven’t supported her on this, I never know what to say when she is upset yet feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and compassion inside me where it hurts me that she is hurting. I have often had to look up online what to say in certain situations.
There are smaller things too such as just making myself a drink and not offering my partner one, just washing my own pots etc etc. Again, it seems so obvious to consider somebody else once this is pointed out, but it doesn’t come naturally to me and hurts me once I realise.
I hope you’re able to get some advice for this and are able to find a way to make things work for both you and your husband.