Hi folks,
I'm wondering what your advice might be for me. I'm an autistic man in his 40s, diagnosed just under a year ago (privately). I've been with my now husband (who has ADHD) for about 12 years. A regular problem of our relationship has been that he feels I don't emotionally support him. He says I hurt him, misunderstand him, gaslight him all with the effect that he struggles with his self-esteem and feels his needs aren't validated or recognised. I don't mean to do any of this but am absolutely at sea as to how to fix any of it - and he says he doesn't trust that I want to. I've been trying to look into these kind of dynamics in autistic/non-autistic relationships and it seems that it's a well-known paradigm, often described as Cassandra Syndrome (although lots of the stuff around that feels problematic to me) but all the advice seems to be directed at the non-autistic person in terms of coping better with their autistic partner. I'm still learning to mask less (and I'm in counselling) and I would really value any pointers about things I can do in this situation that aren't just trying to wear a better mask (which apart from exhausting me, my husband will see through in a moment any way). I feel like I'm in a position where I can describe the problem (the cartoon part way down https://www.connections-counselling.co.uk/blog/cassandra-phenomenon-a-systemic-perspective/ is a pretty good summation of our repeated dynamic) but I don't know even where to start in overcoming it.
Thank you.