That's a horrible thing to experience.  I'm sorry females have been that way with you.  Who would want to be with them anyway if they're that shallow and lack understanding?  You're far better off with someone who values clear and honest communication than nasty abusive women.  It makes me embarrassed to be female when I hear that kind of behaviour happens but equally I've had my fair share of the male of the species not accepting no for an answer when I'm not into them.... Sometimes I think it'd be easier living on a bloody Island. Meh!

Is that common?

I know that women can often be offended when someone who is ugly asks them out, maybe the same thing is going on here - people for some reason get offended if the "wrong" person finds them attractive, and it gives them the ick.

When a gay man has come onto me I've never been offended, in fact I usually take it as a compliment, and just tell them I'm not gay, which they have always been fine with. In fact I've found gay men to be very gracious and polite and honest when it comes to that kind of stuff. I think it would be a lot easier to be gay because there wouldn't be all the games to play with women sending "signals" and expecting me to read their mind. I've had some very bad experiences with women in bars and clubs coming onto me, they always seem to get offended and then insult me after I haven't flirted back correctly (usually I don't even realise they are interested but they think I'm rejecting them).

I can't see how this could be true. Closeted men being homophobic is a thing, but it doesn't mean every heterosexual man is secretly gay.

I have no attraction whatsoever to the same sex, in fact the thought of it and images/videos of it repulse me and disgust me (not intentional or hateful, it's just the automatic reaction I have always had). That's pretty common from what I understand. There was a study done where men's disgust response to seeing two men kissing was found to be the same as seeing maggots.

I can still tell if a man is attractive of course, but have no desire to ever do anything with them sexually. The ability to tell attractiveness must be universal and unrelated to sex, whereas motivation to do sexual things is probably very strongly selected towards something that would result in offspring, but it is a spectrum (gay and bisexual people exist and some people might be in-between). We also know that your sexuality can be modified by childhood experiences, so the change in environment in the last decade will probably lead to a lot more fluid sexuality in the future.

I'm going to be totally honest and contravercial now, I don't like the female impresonator/drag queen look. I don't get why they're so over the top, I don't know any women who look like that, so how can they be impersonating anybody?

I think experiencing harrassment is an unfortunately normal experience and one that you just get used to and have a battery of ways to deal with. I've also had the opposite where I seem invisable, I've had coats thrown over me, been pushed off the dance floor, cut off from my friend/s, all sorts. It's confusing that I seem invisable to everyone but predators?

Kudos for dressing how you want! That is great!

I'm always suspected to be same-sex attracted because of the way I dress. Even my family thought I was same-sex attracted while growing up, and I assume many other people do as well, and still do. However, I'm boringly heterosexual. I've never "felt that way" with the same sex, never anything romantic, nor anything sexual. I have felt something for the opposite sex, which I suppose is why I'm heterosexual. 

I remember being at a fashion show with my parents when I was in my teens, which had included a disco afterwards. I'd had my eyes on one of the male models, who I considered to be incredibly physically attractive and had been plucking up the courage to ask if he would like to dance with me. In those days, I was much more confident than I am now.

As I tentatively approached the male model (who was several years older than me), he approached my dad and asked him if he would like to dance. Rather than feeling offended, my dad smiled at the model, pointed at my mother, and said, "Thank you for the offer, but I don't think my wife would be too thrilled about it." More than anything, I think my dad was amused.

This is pure speculation, but I do wonder if the reason why some heterosexual men take offence at being chatted up by gay men is due to fear. If they are the kind of man who has a cave-man mentality, maybe there's a fear that they may be inadvertently giving out the wrong signals, which scares the heck out of them. Alternatively, they could just be complete homophobes, and the kind of man who would also take offence at a woman being attracted to another woman.

I’m definitely in the gay male category ie: same -sex relationships.  But if you’re bisexual, that’s your business not mine.

Your post really made me giggle at the end but I feel bad that you experienced harassment.  I can relate as I've experienced so much from hetero men that I've lost count.  It's not a good feeling full stop no matter who the parties involved are.  I do think the female form is beautiful and male drag queen can look damn hot so it's not surprising you feel that way.  I think gay men look beautiful with their broad shoulders and strong physique but I wouldn't want to be with them so I guess you're describing the opposite of what I feel. :-)

TheCatWoman said:

I think you were being sexually harrassed by your collegue and these days you'd have grounds for a grievance procedure.

I was working as a contractor in Germany at the time and my "rights" were somewhat limited, plus my manager was a real blokes bloke so I would never have got it lodged.

The gay guy was a great laught in the office - really fun and out there but he kept trying to persuade me into a threesome with his boyfriend, even suggesting he would persuade another colleague (a rather attractive lady also in the team) to join in to keep me distracted while he, err, provided the services).

It made me quite uncomfortable but to be fair I also have been propositioned by a women of similar, err, flexible morals, to engage in some acrobatics and that had a similar effect in making me uncomfortable - more from the fact I wanted to be faithful to my new wife at the time than because it was an unappealing offer.

I guess in todays age when the likes of pegging is more common (don't look it up if you don't know what it is - very NSFW) then some of the fear of the penetration is less likely for the progressively minded. For me it was a mix of that plus the instilled social aversion to the very idea (heck, what if I like it!) that made the knee jerk reaction so strong.

I've since been out in gay bars with family and friends, danced on the stage like a loony and seen all sorts of stuff that I no longer have a fear or aversion for it. It is more that it does nothing to attract me I guess - I'm much more of a boob and ladyparts fan.

Having said that, one of our gay friends spends a lot of time in drag (slim, asian guy) and he actually looks really hot when dressed up. I realise that any attraction is to do with the fact he represents female attributes to me and I'm not visualising the meat and two veg under the dress.

That may be a bit too much detail I realise. Sorry.

I know being gay was a different experience when I and presumably Iain too were young, but it's something I've heard from men much more recently and they just start spluttering incoherant nonsense when asked.

Iain I think you were being sexually harrassed by your collegue and these days you'd have grounds for a grievance procedure.

In general I don't notice if someones chatting me up or anything, in some cases I didn't realise for years, I just think people are being friendly, some guys do try and take things further and I'm totally confused wondering where that came from. It has got me into trouble either with an existing partner or when some guys got stroppy, luckily I can look after myself, verbally and physically if nessercary.

I just can't get my head around why some people particularly men get offended and can't just say thank but no thanks. I've been chatted up by women and said thanks but no thanks and its never been a problem.

I do think a lot of women go to gay bars because they won't  get hassled by men and can just have a good time with thier friends.

I have seen a friend of a friend want to exit an openly gay friendly dance club that we went to within seconds of arrival, never mind getting as far as getting chatted up - score one for you!

But, I have also seen a close friend who is as blokey and hetero as they come get chatted up and he was absolutely delighted! He was genuinely flattered.

These are both 20+ years ago.

I think people only really tend to hear about the bad experiences.

TheCatWoman said:

One of the things I really don't get, is why hetro men get so offended at being chatted up or found attractive by gay men,

Been there, felt that (although 2 decades ago) with a very camp co-worker who was constantly trying to persuade me to have a threesome with his boyfriend.

I think there are several reasons at play here:

1 - (remember this was over 20 years ago so pre-woke) hertro males had a tendency to demonise gays and think there was something dirty and deviant about them. As this was fairly vocal amongst the men then it was clear this was a signal I was picking up as it being a social rule.

2 - The co-worker kept saying that all men are closet gays and a giving me a BJ wouldn't make me gay. Challenging my moral compass was offending to me.

3 - If I was seen to be even considering it then I would be ridiculed by my peers.

There may also be an aspect of jealousy as the gay community seem to have a great time and appear much less inhibited typically than hertro groups.

Over time I have made friends with a lot of gays, including gay couples through my wifes work in fashion and I don't feel offended by their sometimes blunt and persistant propositioning - I guess I scripted some effective responses as I've not offended any of them yet.

All the above is in my opinion of course.

TheCatWoman,

I wonder if that reaction is because there may be internal attraction there that the "hetero" man is uncomfortable with.  The reason I say this is because I used to feel scared if a woman made a move on me and it was due to the fact that you'd get beat up at my school or ridiculed if someone sensed you were attracted to the same sex.  I'm still wary of allowing myself to check women out when I'm out for fear of it being noticed.  There was a woman today on the bus and I'm sure there was an attraction there as we were both glancing at each other but I was too shy to smile as I still have that uncomfortable feeling.  I never had that shy feeling with men, it was always about finding a man to show others I was attractive enough to get someone.  The truth underneath was that I loved my best friend but daren't allow anyone to see that.  I wish I was just attracted to guys full stop as it'd be much easier, the pool of women is small.....

One of the things I really don't get, is why hetro men get so offended at being chatted up or found attractive by gay men, why can't they just say thanks but no thanks the same as so many women do?

I don't think it's that simple or binary.

There are a lot of terms for orientation etc these days.

Here is a list:

https://www.healthline.com/health/different-types-of-sexuality

47 Terms That Describe Sexual Attraction, Behavior, and Orientation

I am grimly heterosexual, I even find it difficult to comprehend how women find men sexually attractive. There is some evidence that women's sexual preferences are, in general, somewhat more flexible than men's. Men tend to be more 'hard wired' for one form of sexual preference.

As a woman I can look at other women and think "She's pretty, lovely eyes, etc" but not in a romantic or sexual way. It's more acknowledging she has beauty and usually makes me wish I look like she does Whereas when I look at men I do feel attracted to some of them, it's very much a case of ooh he's cute and when I look at women, ooh her hair is gorgeous I wonder what hairspray she uses. Even during my teens I never got attracted to other females-they don't appeal to me the same way men do. 

An interesting post.

I always thought I was heterosexual because for me that was the only option presented to me at that time.  To be anything else was frowned upon.  It's only recently after deep reflection that I know it's always been the opposite for me.  I've been in heterosexual relationships to please other people and was so frightened in my own mind to admit even to myself the love I'd had over the years for friends.  I've never been intimately involved with a woman so can't comment on how I'll feel about that until it happens.  All I know is that my attractions have always been about pleasing the other person but it's never felt "right."  Who knows if a woman will feel "right" either but I feel that there are much more attractive women than men.  To me that says something.  I do also think attractions can change as hormones do and I am much more attracted to the person and vibe of that person than the way they look which's why online dating is tough.....   It's a complicated subject for me to discuss because I'm going through a questioning period after many years pleasing everyone else but me..... I'm scared that if I meet a woman and form a relationship with them that I won't want that either.  I can imagine kissing men or women but the next steps with men make me feel ill and pressured and with a woman it's unknown but a lovely thought. :-)

100% heteroromantic here. Never felt romantically attracted to males whatsoever.