Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone,I just joined this forum in search for advice from other autistic people. I feel like I'm going crazy. Long story short - a couple of weeks ago I joined a book club. I didn't like it very much because almost everyone was very extroverted and talked a lot - not to me though. I have very bad social anxiety and am very shy, so I wasn't able to say anything to anyone. I stressed out sooo much about this damn book club, the next meeting would be on Wednesday this week, but I felt so stressed and anxious that I canceled. I said I'm not going for now, maybe I'll try again in a couple of months. But now I feel regret and am very worried that I'm missing an opportunity here... Since I'm very shy and anxious, I'm also very lonely. I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have mainly live elsewhere, not close to my home. I guess basically I'm just asking for validation, and for reassurance that I won't necessarily be alone forever. That I won't die alone. That life can change one day. Note: I am technically going to therapy, but my therapist is currently sick and won't be back until August. I'd love to talk to my therapist right now, but it's not possible. Really sucks. Can anyone share their experiences with me here? Is there maybe anyone here who once felt terribly lonely but has found their people since? I just need hope. I don't want to be alone forever.
NAS94679
I relate to those thoughts of being alone forever but I feel it's the brains way of punishing us more when we're already suffering. I tend to tell those thoughts where to go because the future is not predictable and everything changes from moment to moment even if it feels like groundhog day.
I think it depends how anxious you are about the group as to whether you can handle it. It could be that many of the people there felt the way you did when they started? It could be that the "extrovert" ones are masking their insecurities or the chat is about their special interest so they feel passionate. It could also be that the group is indeed cliquey the way it feels and that you are better somewhere else where you feel more at ease? I've tried many different group activities but I really prefer one on one so am rethinking what to do next. I'm part of one where the people are more non conventional which draws me in already so I'm sticking with that just now even though I can't make many of the meetings due to being a parent.
Best of luck with coping. Loneliness is so horrible but it's better than being with people who don't try to include you or make an effort to welcome new group members......
Keep going to the book club. That's my advice. Don't worry too much about how much you speak to people there.
NAS94679 said:I guess basically I'm just asking for validation, and for reassurance that I won't necessarily be alone forever. That I won't die alone. That life can change one day.
It can change for the better, but you need to take control of the anxiety first and stop it controlling you.
As you are a reader I would suggest having a look at:
Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)ISBN 9781843108955
In my opinion this is the primary blocker for your situation. Deal with this and the knock on effects can be very positive and make the other interactions more rewarding.
It isn't a cure-all and there will always be times when it rears its head but with the techniques you learn you can bring it back to managable levels again.
That would be my approach - it worked for me.
All I can say is public speaking terrifies me even if it is in front of one person but conversation I am fine.I get so nervous if I have to speak in front of people have done all my life
Yes. Things can change. Took me a LONG time. For me that was inevitable as it takes me so long to get to know people and to trust them. I've now been married for years to someone who, it turns out is likely autistic. I remember how difficult things were - some things have got easier with time, though difficulties remain. Strangers are very difficult, and friendships are hard to make and sustain. But some do come good in the end.