Published on 12, July, 2020
I have become extremely hateful and bitter towards the world. I constantly feel like an absolute loser with nothing to offer anyone else. I am 31 jobless,childless and above all socially inept and incompetent at all most everything I try. I have tried to live alone and I failed at that, I am now in a supported living accommodation and I have even messed up that! I have had relationships and friendships but for multiple reasons they have failed. Theres also alot more that bothers me about myself and the outside, so much in fact I could write several pages. I tell myself lies and excuses to keep going but what is the point. I have become incredibly misanthropic and depressed, so much so that I am beginning to have thoughts that I'm not proud of. I have told others about certain feelings and thoughts I have but they do not take me seriously. I have sort help but no avail. I think I have become a a bit of an alcoholic. My family dont know the extent of my feelings or my day to day behaviour. I curse god (if there is one) that I have aspergers. I have given up on people and the world around me and have become very pessimistic and a bit of a nihilist. I have a bleak outlook on life (not that my outlook was ever good, or that I was ever an optimist) I have inadequacies in almost every aspect of my life and self esteem is non existent. Just wondering if anyone feels this shitty? I'm sure there isnt any advice or information that could help but whatever.
My coping mechanism are primarily based on accepting whatever mood I'm in without adding another layer of "I'm a messed up person for being this way." I try to say to myself "you are doing the best you can and this is really awful to feel this way again but you'll deal with it as you always do." I find that trying to treat myself as I would a best friend who's suffering feels strange at first but does eventually morph into how I actually think about myself.
I think much of negative thoughts come from an outward pressure to work, socialise, have a partner, friends and children. How about telling those thoughts to FU@@ right off. I do. How about you build a compliment system to the things you do in your life without comparison to others/what society expects?
My self talk goes like this:
1. It's a bad day emotionally but you still ate healthily and kept the house clean.
2. It's a better day today and you went out to feed the ducks with your daughter.
3. It's a heart wrenching day today but you managed to have a shower, clean your teeth and watch cute things on you tube.
4. It's been awful today but you phoned Samaritans to talk it through and got to the end of the day which was exhausting but you got there.
5. It was a happy day and you sewed for hours, cooked amazing vegan meals and went to the beach for a gorgeous walk and fed the ducks.
It takes effort but I have a special book, just for me that I write in every night before I go to sleep about MY achievements for the day, no matter how small I think they are because they are my unique achievements and important to build positive love for myself.
If you find it tough to think of anything, just getting out of bed can be a positive one.
NAS94658 said:how would you deal with self hatred aswell?
I use mindfulness techniques to look at the situation and try to take the emotion of of it and weigh it up logically.
Is the situation as bad as I think it is?
Am I inherently bad? If not what can I do about it? If so, can I accept it?
There are a series of logical steps to break the issue down, identify paths to deal with it (or to accept it) and then you have the option to make the effort or not.
It takes practice to find a form of this that works for you, but when you have the time it can be quite stimulating in its own right once you get in the zone.
Remember that the outlook is a choice - one informed by situation of course, but a choice you can make nonetheless.
There is significant research that a positive outlook grows positivity so the negativity becomes a self fulfulling prophecy. Once you make that mind set change to look to the positives and deal with the negatives as background noise then your mood improves overall. It feels odd and mabe a bit pathetic to start with but I've tried it and it does work (too a few weeks for it to change and for people to start behaving differently to me).
I hope something in there helps.
But how would you deal with self hatred aswell?
Hey there, although in my case I am employed, I know how you feel. I have developed a hate for most people due to past experiences of being ostracised/bullied for being autistic. I guess for me one thing that kind of helps is that I have some people in my life who understand me and support me (and I do have friends who are autistic as-well like myself).
Honestly I am not sure what advice I can give you, if you feel certain people are being toxic or judgemental it is honestly best to cut them off.
Thank you for your reply. It is not a blip I'm going through, rather I have always felt this way. Only the past 2-3 years have this feelings become amplified and I find it harder and harder to ignore them. I dont know if its because I'm getting older. I suppose the teenage version of myself didnt foresee myself as the person I am now, and its at times unbearable. What are your coping mechanisms?
NAS94658,
Yup, I've felt that low too but I know it's not always to the same degree of darkness so that's what pulls me up. It's good you're recognising that it's a negative spin you are in and that you find other people hard to trust (I go through those feelings too unfortunately). Words can't really describe how painful it is. If you are at the point of planning ways out, that's when I tend to reach out to someone as it's very final to have that as an option. I'm hoping you're not at that stage and that you are fighting through this blip which I hope it is. Obviously I can only go by my life experience and therefore don't know the extent of yours but I really hope the intense depression improves and you are able to go on with a life that gives you some comfort in the long run.
Dear NAS94658,
Thank you very much for sharing this with our community.
While we are waiting for the community to respond, you may want to look at our page about depression: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/depression
You may want to check out our page about addition, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/addiction
Thank you. I hope this helps!
Warm regards,
Eunice Mod