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Is this a common experience?

HMO
3 months ago

In friendships in the past, I used to believe that if I was not someone's favourite person (or one of their favourites), I was unimportant to them. Or that I could be easily replaced.

I realise now that that feeling was probably a sign that it wasn't going to work out, and I didn't communicate things as clearly.

I wondered if anyone else has felt this.

  • 3 months ago in reply to Yellow tree 118

    You're correct that it's a self esteem issue. I'm not as bad with it as I used to be, but occasionally it creeps in. That belief that I'm not good enough. 

  • 3 months ago in reply to Alienatedhuman

    Glad it's not just me!

  • 3 months ago

    Absolutely! You put it in words perfectly! I experience it same. 

  • 3 months ago in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    Learning to let go is an important life skill that can save so much pain in the long run.

    Agreed.

  • 3 months ago in reply to Take5
    Take5 said:
    Those are 2 of my pet hates and struggle to let it go.

    They are also something 99% of neurotypicals do at some point or another. Learning to let go is an important life skill that can save so much pain in the long run.

    Mindfulness is a great way to help you get to grips with it and use your rational brain to beat up the irrational part.

  • 3 months ago

    Hi HMO

    I can relate to this but it’s more with my partner than my friends. We have been together for a long time and have children. I often think I have done something wrong and always think I have upset others as I always tend to think people are cross with me. Maybe in my case it’s an inability to be able to read people in general and assume the worst but it’s annoying. 
    My best friend is my dad and tbh no one will ever measure up to him so I’m only ever going to be disappointed. I do have friends but 99% of them have disappointed me at some point, either by doing something morally questionable or being completely selfish. Those are 2 of my pet hates and struggle to let it go. 
    Have you tried any local groups where perhaps there are people there that you could relate to in a better way? I have not tried this myself but have heard on here how beneficial it can be just to be around others that are from your own tribe. 


    I hope you find some answers and wish you good luck 

  • 3 months ago

    I definitely have felt this too. It’s a horrible feeling, and sometimes can be confusing… but I’ve come to realise that I am not mentalizing properly and thinking things that aren’t correct. But sometimes the anxieties does get too much. For me also, if I get a thought that I’m not important to someone or they no longer are bothered about me, I get paranoid in wondering what did I do wrong. But again I know it’s bad mentalizing and not communicating. I sort of even get it on this community forum, where I get worried people aren’t interest about me in the way they respond. But I know that is bad mentalizing and it’s properly not true. 
    I’m also learning to try not care so much if someone doesn’t like me or bother with me, and that it’s not my problem.

  • 3 months ago

    It could be. I expect a lot off autistic people experience this when trying to make friends. 

    When I was trying to mix with the girls in my class I used to be really anxious with those kinds of thoughts. Used to be on my mind all the time worrying I wasn't good enough and they might ditch me. I was so insecure and no confidence.
     
    I've since started being myself and realised it doesn't really matter now and I shouldn't have to think that way. Same as you shouldn't have had to worry like that. 
     
    It was my first friendship and I didn't know how to act or what to say. 
     
    Next time I'll be better prepared. Learn from last time that's how I try to play it now. 
  • 3 months ago

    Sounds like a self esteem issue. Especially the fact about wanting to be the favourite person. That says to me that you feel you need attention from others and need to feel valued more than others. This is all self esteem related, you are wanting other people to make you feel special because you don’t feel special in yourself. You need to love yourself and the rest will come to you. I used to feel the same by the way. I used to feel I needed others approval and permission to feel happy.