Advice on supporting partner

Hello, I have been with my partner for almost 10 years now and he has always struggled in work. He has mainly worked in factories and has been let go and recently worked in a kennels was was told he was not a good face for customers. After all these incidents it has destroyed his confidence and he does not want to work with people again which I can understand. He is waiting for a diagnosis of autism but has been told the waiting list is 2 years. He is receiving help from employment support agencies but they only ever help him with his CV or tell him to apply for jobs on Indeed which he has been doing for months now.

He is having more frequently meltdowns in which he'll throw a cup against the wall or start hitting himself continously or bang his head against the table. I find it so distressing and tell him to stop but he doesn't, so I'll ring mindline and he'll calm when he talks to someone. 

My question is, what should I do when he is having a meltdown? Leave him to have some space or try to calm him down?

Also, if anyone has any advice on finding remote work (data entry, customer service, typing) it would be really appreciated. 

  • Really appreciate this, it helps a lot to hear from someone who has been in a similar boat x

    1. K here's what you do...firstly understand that often times autistic people (and my son 24 and is autistic so yes I do know) have meltdown ie throw stuff etc. . Yes it can get scary for you if youre in the vicinity of whatever object is thrown. It's a delicate ballance of being able to stay safe yourself and help him be safe...they meltdown often as they're simply overtired or are burnt out ..its no mystery just think how you'd feel if you hadn't had any sleep or your mind and body were working on overdrive and then another problem is piled on top of you. So firstly understand that his reserves of energy for coping in this situation may not be available...so your friend can't help what they're doing and also note that they're not being "difficult " or "selfish" I say this as  a lot of people don't get it and just think the person is being difficult..no they're not being difficult they just don't have the tools that you and and i take for granted on being able to deal with things and did you also know that there stress lobes in the brain are much bigger than some1 neurotypical ie what seems easy for you is not for them. Anyway so back to being safe...if you feel you can't handle it and things are getting too dangerous then yes call police and or an ambulance etc.However if you feel it's within  your capability based on knowing that person and past situation then deal with in a calm manner ...if you can be in the same room just sit quite and wait for the meltdown to end don't talk or do anything..or if you've had to leave the space stay near by where you can listen and keep close tabs on them and then return to the same space as them when situation has calmed down. Ask if they need space..if they do give it...ask simply do they  want to talk and  if so do do this but suggest that you talk about it the next day ir at a slightly later date when they ready to talk or literally just wait for them to come to you to talk as it gives them time to process. You need to keep a very relaxed environment and try yourself to keep anything you're worrying about to yourself ie go talk to a friend to off load as you need to stay strong calm ie don't further burden your friend. I know what I'm talking.about as have to deal with this with my son regularly..incidentally did you know as some1 pointed out on here the other day that when a meltdown occur ay home it's because they feel safe enuf to express that and safe enuf with you..and also they're expressing what has built up ie there true feelings ie they're not masking by masking I mean that sometimes autistic people will learn to show a false self ie one that fits to the standard of others ie showing a face that says oh I'm fine say when they at work which they're not and how they really feeling come out in meltdown at home...but be glad as it's worse say if you're friend was masking not just at work but at home as well..if your friend is honest like this you know where you are and if they say to you later that they're OK chances are they are
  • My question is, what should I do when he is having a meltdown? Leave him to have some space or try to calm him down?

    Leave him be - he needs to process this internally and come out the other side. The chances are that any attempt to interact or interfere will be met with being blanked at best or possibly lashing out at worst.

    There are quite a few books that could be of interest - I would recommend looking up the reviews on the likes of Amazon or GoodReads and see what people say about them:

    For you (and possibly for him):

    Understanding Autism For Dummies - Stephen Shore, Linda G. Rastelli, Temple Grandin (2006)
    ISBN 0764525476

    Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
    ISBN 9781608820771

    From Anxiety to Meltdown - How Individuals on the Autism Spectrum Deal with Anxiety, Experience Meltdowns, Manifest Tantrums, and How You Can Intervene Effectively - Deborah Lipsky (2011)
    ISBN 9781849058438

    For him:

    Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
    ISBN 9781843108955

    Helping Adults with Asperger's Syndrome Get & Stay Hired - Barbara Bissonnette (2015)
    ISBN 9781849057547

    An Aspie's Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
    eISBN 9781784501303

    There is so much to cover in the career finding aspect that it is hard to give any sort of concise response.

    What I would suggest is finding the things he loves doing - special interests especially and let us know what these are, plus his main issues (poor social skills, office lighting, sounds / smells etc) and we can suggest some autism friendly career options.

    Better still, point him to this forum and let him ask - take some agency and feel he is doing it for himself in order for him to build self respect and have a community he can vent to when he needs to.