Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm reading the 10th edition of Asperkids and it lists a bunch of Neurotypical social norms and "rules" and woah. I'm 23 and can't believe I didn't realize these things. I wish I'd had this book in middle school - it would have save me a lot of trouble. Do people actually just pick up on this stuff automatically? Why did no one tell me?
Suddenly my job search from last year is making a lot of sense as to why the interviews didn't go well. Apparently someone having a book on their office shelf doesn't mean they've read it or plan to read it and asking them about it makes them uncomfortable and embarrassed - no wonder I didn't get that job. But I figured if you have a copy of The Art of War proudly displayed you've read it or are planning to read it - but I guess it was just decor? But it wasn't even a particularly nice looking edition, just a generic hardback, the type you can get on Amazon. Why display a book you haven't read or don't plan to read when it isn't even pretty? It reminds me of that part in the library in Gatsby but I figured people stopped doing the whole fake library thing when books became more affordable.
And then there was that guy I corrected when he said there were six continents and the business he worked for did business across all six ... he forgot Antarctica.
And suddenly every annoyed boss and potential boss and professor and teacher starts to make sense. Apparently people in places of authority don't like to be corrected or questioned. But aren't we supposed to ask questions and shouldn't corrections be made if something is wrong?
God, how do you figured out when to question and correct and when to just shut up?
If people starty trying to bully you, you could try asking if they've left the playground yet? Just stay in your adult self and reflect their absurditites back at them, I admit it's a horrible situation to be in.
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Iain, thats part of the reason I don't bother with humans so much anymore, all the pettyness and stupidity dosen't make it worthwhile.
Sure, the outcome is good, but it may go wrong if there are gossips about it and someone decides to bully me for that reason. I hope not. Usually when I start worrying about such things (what may happen, what someone may think about me etc.) I tell myself: it’s just me having excellent memory, maybe they gonna forget that soon after the event or maybe they are just busy with their life to keep it going so I do t need to worry. It works tii ok some point. Otherwise I would get crazy worrying and punishing myself for such awkward situations
I wonder if this is why I am so careful about what I say all the time, unless I know who I’m talking to really well? I would love to be able to remember far back enough to know what happened before the careful part. I don’t think I offended anyone but then maybe even if I have I perhaps wouldn’t realise.
TheCatWoman said:I never had conversations about social rules, it seemed a fast way to get told off, or people just wouldn't understand what I was asking.
It is their way of being a part of the "in crowd" - probably the source of the IYKYK saying (If You Know, You Know).
If nothing else it makes them feel superior to those poor saps who have to ask about it.
It’s like when NT’s have all sorts of unwritten rules that we are supposed to “just know, without having to be told” couched in euphemistic language to explain same, as if this is their version of having “common sense” and having “cop on” and that we are supposed to be “seen and not heard” and if not, we are commanded, instructed and ordered to “shut up” “be quiet” “learn to take it” (bullying) and to “stop your nonsense”
Isn't being awkward wonderful? Especially when it has positive effects like making someone shut up.
I never had conversations about social rules, it seemed a fast way to get told off, or people just wouldn't understand what I was asking.
What other norms and rules does it mention? I wonder what I am still doing wrong...
Its so silly that people would display books they haven't read or plan to read! I think people who see themselves as "important" display things they think make them look smart even if they haven't read it or don't know what it is. My mom has a friend who's dating this rich guy and he has a massive portrait of Ella Fitzgerald over his grand piano and I asked him if he liked jazz and he asked why I'd ask! Well sir, you have a massive Ella Fitzgerald portrait. I thought it'd be a reasonable deduction that he liked big band jazz. But alas, we do not live in a Sherlock Holmes story and it often seems that people's possessions don't necessarily reflect who they are but who they want to be seen as! Quite cattywampus if you ask me.
MOOD
I have never had a need to buy things to look clever or because it’s trendy fashionable etc. same about books. If I have a book it means that I’m reading it or red it or I’m going to read it. As a teenager I had quite several conversations with my family members about the social rules, and always whenever I asked but why? They got angry and in the end I got the answer: because it is social rule, because everybody does this etc. I was Never satisfied but my lack of self confidence forced me to stop talking and asking questions. My very recent faux pas was at work. One guy, he is some technician repairing lawnmowers and other devices. He likes to chat a lot, he is literally a chatterbox. And it annoys me because I have my waybills and deliveries to accept and control and he keeps brushing his tongue. So when he told me that his daughter is pregnant with her sixth child I made huge eyes and asked him: and she has enough money for so many children?! Then I thought omg! It’s none of my business! He looked confused but reassured me that they have enough money for so many kids. The result of that is that he stopped chatting with me. So it’s actually good outcome!
Gabby42 said:Why display a book you haven't read or don't plan to read when it isn't even pretty?
I guess they wanted the cudos by association - window dressing in other words and you asking about it caught them out as shallow and vain.
Gabby42 said:Do people actually just pick up on this stuff automatically? Why did no one tell me?
said most autists, everywhere.
I used to worry about stuff like this and yeah, its really complicated, humans are sort of my nerd subject, so I often understand such behaviours whilst being totally emotionally divorced from them. I've never been in the sort of job where the sorts of things you describe have ever been an issue and I worked for myself for quite a long time.
Now I can't seem to bring myself to care anymore what others think about me to much, so yes I will be the person who asks awkward questions, I always have been, but I'm more confident in arguing my case. I was amazed during covid when there were so many interviews with talkking heads from their own homes and that many of them had people come in and curate a bookshelf for them to sit in front of to make them look clever! My bookshelves would show someone who reads a lot of different stuff, from gardening to sci-fi and fantasy to medieval medicine.
I figured out when I heard few times from my teachers and not only, that I should keep my philosophies for myself. I promised myself to shut up and since then I’m super cautious and also anxious about saying anything. I also wondered if all those people with high positions really read these books or just have them to show how smart and educated they are. I came to conclusion that it’s the second. Of course it does not mean they are smart they just show off. Despite being cautious I still sometimes say something hmm. Yeah, I think I should read this book.