Published on 12, July, 2020
The company I work for recently hosted an international meeting for all of the company to attend and network etc..
They asked me to feature in a panel discussion session where a few employees discussed (with a couple of TV celebs, on stage) our passions. I am a keen amateur opera singer in my spare time. It was all based around "high performance" and personal passions outside of the workplace. The session was ok, quite nerve-wracking but not too bad.
The next day focussed on building a commitment culture in the workplace, personal motivations for work, building trust etc... It included a whole day session on sharing our personal work story, our motivations, being comfortable to share our stories, creating safe spaces. By the end of the day we had all written a short bio in groups of three which we were encouraged to share with the whole company.
As a person with ASD I thought this was great, I love sharing my story with people and am always happy to chat about my experiences (I have a disabled husband and or family is heavily impacted by a rare disease). It really felt like the NTs we're getting onboard with being open, building trust and safe spaces and I felt comfortable to unmask and share my deeply personal story.
However, it turned out that the NTs we're only saying they are OK about sharing their stories, but none of them actually did. Of the four people that stood to speak, I'd say at least 3 of them were neurodivergent. Now I'm left feeling really exposed and emotionally bruised that I shared something deeply personal in what I thought was a safe space, in the spirit of building trust.
I'm very newly diagnosed ASD and navigating all this stuff after masking my true identity for almost 50 years. Again, I feel deceived that I've got on board with letting people see the real me only to discover they didn't really want to and aren't comfortable with that ***....
I agree! What I do, is talking to myself. If I feel like I wanna share my whole life with someone, but it’s inappropriate, I just imagine that there is someone listening and I can talk and talk and talk even 2-3 hours and share everything I want. ONLY when I’m alone at home! Otherwise my family would take me for a freak. Sometimes I have fear that my neighbors can hear me, but even if someone asks I would answer that I just talked on the phone. After such “self oversharing therapy session” I’m ready to go out and have some “better behaved” interaction with someone. Or it just helps me clear up my head, throw out loud everything that my brain has been chewing for days or even weeks and feel more relaxed fresh and free. Until my brain finds something else to chew. For example chewing gum
Don't be too hard on yourself for it, I'm sure most NTs won't remember it or won't have been listening as much as they pretended too either, I think autistic folks like us over think and assume everyone else takes on board as much as we do when half the time they're barely listening at all.
I'm way too open and over share a lot, often wishing I hadn't, but to be honest, other than make me feel a bit rubbish and stupid afterwards I don't think it really did much harm.
Thanks Alienatedhuman, it's good to know I'm not alone in this! I think self censorship and management of masking is certainly more exhausting than being blissfully unaware.
Rather naively, I thought once I'd received my diagnosis I would be able to go out into the world proudly autistic and completely unmasked, but now I'm learning that's not the case. The world is definitely not ready to see the real me!
Thanks for the tip re therapy. I don't have a therapist, but I have now made some enquiries.
Hi I remember scolding myself numerous times in my life exactly for this reason - over sharing in social situations. Usually I either get strange looks or am ignored by others. I heard of speech pathologist- they may help with communication issues, but it’s for sure also expensive therapy. As for myself I always try to observe and follow other’s patterns of behavior, if I see that others don’t share much about themselves I also try to make it minimum, not always successful. In my case I often hold myself from speaking at all - not sure if it’s good practice but at least prevents from over sharing. Self censorship is exhausting, it’s actually part of masking, which I think I’ve never learned to a point to pass as NT, recalling how many times I was given to understand that I need to be fixed, that I’m weird etc.
Have you spoke about this issue to your therapist?