Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
Please delete if I am not allowed to post this here, it wasn't clear wherether it would be so im really sorry if Im getting it wrong. I dont want to be in a safe space I dont belong in as a non autistic but neuro spicy person.
I am the partner of someone with autism (undiagnoised as yet but we have been sure for more than a year and a half). I have ADHD and dsylexia and dyspraxia (together we have the whole set)
There lots of challanges in a relationship like this, expected things like communication, showing affection ect. But after 8 years we are getting it mostly figured out.
Something can up recently that I need help with, I can understand his reason/he doesn't understand why he feels as he does so cant explain.
We are at the stage of viewing property together and whilst we have had a joint acount for years its currently not the main account and we both put money in for joint expenses. I would like us to have a main account that is joint, we can both have our own accounts for 'fun money'. he does earn more than me as I work for the NHS but I dont belive either of us feels that is relevent.
My reasons for are;
I want us to have a life together not seperate but side by side,
if/when i reduce my work for childcare it would impact my savings and future carer (I dont plan on us breaking up but as we aren't married it would leave me financially vunerable,
he has struggled with commitment and as said we aren't married yet despite talking about it (which surname, who to invite ect) for the last 7 years and for me it would be symbolic of us joining together more.
the last reason is that recently my laptop stoped working, he thinks I am too careless with my laptop (hello ADHD) and although there was no reason to think it stoped working because of anything I did I paid for a 100% of the replacement because he wanted to 'teach me a lesson'. I dont want that to be our lives, the power dynamic ect, honestly it was the most disespectful thing he has ever done.
his reaon against is;
he needs to been 100% himself to love somebody and somehow this challanges his identity
Can anyone help us understand what is happening, what the reasoning is because we cant work it out and so are a bit stuck
Thank you, and again im sorry if Im not allowed here
NAS84074 said:he needs to been 100% himself to love somebody and somehow this challanges his identity
Is that a cow I can smell? Horse? No, its bull.
Joking apart, this is an issue I can identify and have discussed in both individual and couples therapy.
Commitment to a relationship tends to make us look at how it impacts us - what we have to give up when the healthier way is to look at what we gain, how it also helps the other person be happy and that together we are more than as individuals.
Now we understand this and in kicks the autistic traits of low self esteem and "I break everything I touch so we will end up apart like I have always been". It is the little demon on our shoulder telling us we will never succeed.
He would be helped in this a lot by dealing with this issue with a therapist as he probably doesn't realise his identity is not fixed in stone - he can be more than just him buy being a partner and a father.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fatherhood idea but in the end I wrapped my head around it and embraced it - but he probably needs help in processing the ideas to reach his own conclusions on all the committment issues.
I would also recommend taking time to set up the "rules" of the relationship for where it comes to where money is coming from, who can make decisions on it, who sets budgets and when, how housework is distributed, how chores will be distributed in the event of a child and all the other tasks you can think of down the line.
With you both being on the neurodiverse spectrum then it helps to have clear cut plans for this stuff as the assumptions made about them are a big source of problems in even neurotypical relationships.
Deciding on them often involves negotiations and even arguements, so I would recommend agreeing on the rules for this:
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/fair-fighting-rules
Save your spontineity for other, more fun things.
These are a few thoughts to start with - I'll stop rambling now
thank you this was very helpful. I am not sure this totally fit him as he doesnt internalise blame this way but he does think things are doomed to fail, he just blames both of us and mostly me. This is better than it used to be when it was only me who was in the wronge. He has high anxiety and assumes the worst, if his isn't totaly sure he wont go for it, but you can move forward in life like that, nothings ever totally certain. So we just get stuck.