Struggling with adulting

Sounds like a good plan, hope it all goes ok with the shop.

Sounds like your mum has your best interests in mind, it's good to have someone looking out for you. 

I reckon you'd find it different if you met the right friends to socialise with, rather than it being a chore they would be something you enjoyed and felt you got benefit from being around. it can be tough finding them though. 

I've had a lot of friends over the years but pretty much only a small handful left now, but they're the ones worth having as I know they'd be there for me, and I for them if needed. 

Give it time and you'll find them and they will find you. Probably when you least expect it!

you are not alone plus I have a hard time with doing my chores the right way I am way more capable of doing them plus attention span vary long and sometimes I don't want to plus they need be done and stopping the meltdowns too

NAS94270 said:

I am looking to volunteer so maybe that will amount to something.

Good places to try are where people share your interests or where decent people tend to be more common.

Clubs that share your interests are great for online friends and the occasional meet-up, if you are physically active (like walking, running or the gym) then you can often find friends there, if you are a reader then book clubs can be a good option although I always found this to be dominated by ladies of a certain age who were quite snobby about their books for some reason.

This site has some people who have similar experiences so can be nice.

Places like local church events can be fun to volunteer at as are other charity places  - experiences vary here but people tend to be more openminded and charitable to those of us who are socially awkward. It helps if they don't push their agenda (eg religion) at you.

I guess a good place to start is working out what you really like doing - what fills you with energy and makes life feel worth living? Hobbies? Activities etc?

Thank you for your very informed and coherent response. The reason why I likely need to socialise is due to the questionable company I have kept previously. Obviously it is not down to her, but my mother is concerned about potential isolation, loneliness and vulnerability. I do not necessarily want to socialise but in this world it is necessary so it is just a question of finding like-minded people. I am looking to volunteer so maybe that will amount to something. Who knows? All I can do is try. 

Hi I really appreciate your response. I am looking to volunteer at a local charity shop. I have also been really trying to obtain employment but as yet no progress. I do not think my mother is trying to force me to socialise, but rather that she is worried about my potential isolation.  I have kept questionable company before so this is what she is concerned about. I just do not enjoy it but it does appear to be an inevitable part of life. 

NAS94270 said:

I need to socialise, but I also do not want to, and I also struggle to do so.

Welcome to the forum.

First of all what you describe is very common amongst autists and the social anxiety you describe is a result of our brains having developed slightly differently to "normals" (called NTs or Neuro Typicals) and this makes us have to work a whole lot harder to understand and follow the social cues and rules that they all seem to intuitively understand.

My first question is why do you need to socialise.

By this I mean are you expecting to socialise like a NT and lead a life like them? If so then I would say that it helps to understand more about why you are different, what it costs you and that you will always be "faking it to make it" in this way.

The exact mechanisms of why we develop this are still being untangled but it seems to be partly developmental where we didn't socialise as much or as well as our peers, often preferring our own company and this contributed to not learning from exposure / mimicking as they did. It is also partly because we perceive interactions differently because of often highly sensitive senses and difficulties in filtering out different audio or visual inputs.

My advice is to keep your socialising to the things that interest you (clubs for your hobbies perhaps) and any friends that really accept you for being a bit different. All the other stuff that you "need" to do is best done as a minumum and then with an understanding of the cost.

NAS94270 said:

my mother thinks it is something I need

She isn't you and you get to decide this. If social interaction is anxiety inducing then it isn't that great for you after all. Done in moderation it can be managable however but it is for you to decide what you are comfortable with.

Where I have taked about the cost of socialising I mean that it causes anxiety and stress - these draw on your energy of which you only have so much until you end up shutting down due to either meltdown or burnout. Please learn your limits for this as it is important to your health to avoid them.

To recover you typically need peace and quiet for a while or persuing a relaxing hobby you really like - maybe watching TV, listening to music or reading - even just sitting quitly for a few hours.

NAS94270 said:

I cannot manage my money or really cook for myself, and I just cannot make myself aware of my surroundings. I have dexterity issues as well, and I am trying to get employment.

All these are also common autistic traits and there are lots of posts about these on this site - maybe try the search button (magnifying glass on the top right by the Donate button) and you will find more info on these.

Knowing and accepting our limitations is important but you can also work to slowly improve some of these as well - we are not set in stone so if you really want to do something then there is still a chance you can do it (well maybe becoming a concert pianist can be a stretch if you lack income and have 10 thumbs when it comes to the piano...)

As you've said you are vulnerable, I think you need to find a balance between socialising and keeping yourself safe. Socialising may be a good thing for you, if done in a safe way, ensuring that you're with people who understand your needs and won't take advantage of you or create a situation that might make you feel worse.

People often see autistic people as antisocial. I don't think we are, I just think that we are wary of the situations that trigger our hypersensitivity, highlight when we don't see social queues and feel awkward. Many of us have So many negative experiences of social situations that we chose to avoid them. But I think in the right social group we can enjoy it all that much more because of how much more strongly we experience emotions.

Are there any local autistic groups you could maybe try out as a starting point?

Always remember to look after you, it might feel awkward at first which is normal, but if something starts to feel too difficult, take a step away or even completely if you feel you need to. It's all about making sure it's feeling good and not too distressing.

Also might be worth explaining to tour mum what your reservations and fears of socialising are, so she can help you rather than inadvertently pushing you into something uncomfortable.

Finding a job would potentially help your confidence too, but just be careful to apply the same logic, find something you feel comfortable with so it becomes a positive thing rather than an upsetting experience. Maybe even start off with some volunteer work as a way to test the water and see if you like it?