I am romantically interested in someone who is autistic

 Thank you for your response, I would assume he's not on medication as he has bad mood swings. He certainly suffers from mental issues. He wont get a diagnosis either, I think he's afraid of the outcome.

Yes i agree, it seems to have caused issues when i mention relationship or feelings. He wont meet up with me at all, I've tried everything. He seems to want and need me in his life, but i assume he can only focus on his job situation and meeting up would be too much for him. He seems to be very sensitive and needs a lot of reassurance from me. 

That's a good idea he has some beautiful traits :) 

I really hope something does come of it i would certainly like to be with him

nice to hear you have been married for 40 years :)

He will be struggling with life and his self esteem if he has recently lost his job, so you may need to have a lot of patience to help him through this difficult time.

Do you know if he is on any medication for depression /anxiety? If not, this might help lift his mood so that he is not so down on himself and might help spark his interest in getting out and doing stuff. I would suggest he speaks to his GP about the fact that he is struggling. 

I would avoid talking about feelings or trying to get him to talk about them for now - he has enough to deal with coping with everyday life at the moment. Keep things as factual and pragmatic as possible.

I would also suggest that you make a list of the traits he has that are why you like him as a person. Try and think of things he would understand as being "true" (for example don't say "you're really handsome" as he might not see himself that way) Here are some examples you could use if you feel they apply to him:

Trustworthy and loyal

Is honest and doesn't play games or try to mislead you

Arrives on time and doesn't keep you waiting

Notices small details that others miss

Has an interesting/unique way of seeing/describing things

You might be able to think of others that apply. Try to keep everything you say honest but as positive as possible.

I would also suggest that you try to see each other just as friends while he is working through things. This gives you chance to get to know each other better, and stops him being so lonely. If you are meant to be together, something more will gradually grow from this.

(By the way, I'm an autistic woman, married to an autistic man for over 40 years)

Good luck 

Hi there,

I am autistic and sometimes (almost everytime) it is very hard to try to match my emotions and sayings with a person that is neurotypical. What i can say, is that when I've got my diagnosis, I was knowing someone and he really helps me out. 

By all that you wrote, seems like he is tired of not being part of anything, tired of trying to fit it, tired of trying. I feel like that almost everyday. And most important, i'm tired of people who dont try to understand that we process the information in a different way. That may conclude in some discussion, but at the end all goes well if the other one understand our thinking.

What it helps me out every day, is that my bf is like always searching for information for Asperger and shares it with me, like podcasts. Maybe you can search some info and try to share it with him and show that you are there for him not matter what.

xoxo,

Swiftie14

I think clear communication is very key, but also sometimes actions can speak louder than words. 

You know him better than we do, so hopefully you can find something that makes sense for your situation.

That's interesting. I am pleased, i was hoping to get responses from people who are autistic.

He never asks questions, he comments saying i have alternative options instead of him even though i have told him many times. He's opened up to me recently, i keep thinking should i walk away, but then i think maybe he just needs time.

Thank you :) i feel lucky to have him in my life he is a beautiful person because he is autistic, he is different from other guys and i respect him.

That's true, the relationship meaning seems too overwhelming for him

Autisician's posts are really good, but I might just add two more things, as I can very much identify with your friend's situation.

Even if someone explicitly says to me that they are my friend, I don't believe it. I will assume that I have somehow misunderstood, that they are just "being nice" or that they are actively trying to dupe me in some way.

The other is a sense of shame from a lifetime of rejection makes it very difficult to open up - particularly around things like not having had relationships before. 

It takes a really long time for me to trust someone and reveal my true self. If you've only been with him for four months it may just be that you need more time.

He's really lucky to have you!

I would explain to him what you mean and want by "relationship."  And perhaps what the 'getting to know you' phase looks like. Sometimes little things, like putting up a curtain rod are big to us but little to the one that helps. Isn't it the day to day stuff that adds up to the big picture?

Yes, i can see the same, he thinks he might be pestering me.

We've had a few disagreements mainly because I don't understand him and he can never respond directly to my questions. He does not communicate in words how he feels, his actions prove to me he cares.

That's lovely to hear you are happily married. 

Thank you!

I will continue to work on it and see if anything comes of it, he really is hard work! 

Some of this does sound pretty typical,

Not feeling comfortable or able to say how he feels and not initiating things.I do both and the reason is usually confidence related.

When Conveying feelings I will sometimes worry about "what if she doesn't think the same and then I look stupid?" Over time this gets easier. I'm fairly confident as a person,( even if some of that is masking! ) but in each relationship (any type, friends , work, any)  I start from zero and work up, rather than being confident and trusting from the start.

Not Initiating things is often as I worry I'm pestering , or that the other person might not want to do something and will only go along with it to be "nice" if I do.

There's a lot of the double empathy problem here too, it's worth looking that one up , there's lots on autism websites about it.

I've been married  for 2 decades now and it's a wonderful relationship, my wife understands my differences and I understand her mostly, but I can still get it wrong at times and struggle with certain things. It's absolutely worth it though. 

Everyone's different, my difference is mainly due to autism, other people might be due to other factors, we all just need to work eachother out and make our differences work together.

Good luck, keep us posted!

Thank you for your advise. I do really like him and he knows how i feel but it hasn't made a difference. I am leading this friendship, he says 'you are the professional one'. I am sure he's not been honest about his previous relationships, he seems inexperienced. If i don't contact him its likely i will never hear from him again. He believes he's not what women want. 

NAS94089 said:

He wont date me he said he's struggling, his life is complicated and he is nothing special even though i have told him he is. It hasn't made a difference.

Since you are friends you could point him towards this forum if he wants to reach out for advice or just someone who really understands what he is going throught.

He has to be ready to ask for help though and I think some of us almost shutdown and try to deal with it ourselves when it gets bad so it may take some time.

In the meantime just being there for him to talk to can be a real lifeline. As you get to understand his condition more you may be able to help him open up and build the bond between you. Who knows.

If you can find out what his special interests are then this can be a great bonding thing - just ask about his hobbies (they may be trains, science fiction, historical warfare or something random) and take an interest if you can manage it.

Also be yourself and it will make him realise that a connection to normality is within reach if he can find the energy to reach for it.

It also helps to have fun rather than talk just about serious stuff or hobbies so try to think of things you both enjoy - it could be making cookies, eating ice cream, watching Doctor Who or walking a dog - it will help him find pleasure in life in your company and will help you feel closer.

Thank you for your advise i will look at the book i want to understand him. I like him because he is different from other guys. He knows i like him and I've told him i want a relationship. He wont date me he said he's struggling, his life is complicated and he is nothing special even though i have told him he is. It hasn't made a difference. I like the idea of being more positive, i have been negative as this is really hard for me and to have progress discussions.

Lack of or low self confidence is common in autistic men (and no doubt autistic women too) I know I'm quite bad for that myself. It can make it hard to enter into any sort of relationship if you feel you're not "likable" or "wouldn't want yourself so why do they?" Etc. there's also a risk of getting hurt and ending up feeling much worse off if it fails.

Relationships can seem very complicated, there's a lot of expectations that we may not understand and also missed queues and points too which might mean we seek more than the usual amount of reassurance.

If it were me I'd want you to be fairly open and direct, so I fully appreciated your view, I'd feel better if I felt I knew exactly how you felt, rather than having to guess or make assumptions based on other things (reading between lines is often something I do and get the wrong end of the stick, we always tend to look towards a negative explanation in the absence of something obvious). I also feel I'd rather know everything however bad, as being "not told" something would upset me more. Often autism has left us feeling "left out" so not being in the loop can be distressing.

Hope this helps, it sounds like you really like this guy and I'm sure it's worth the effort, just make sure that if you get together, that he puts effort in too, it's a two way street autistic or not.

NAS94089 said:

I would like some advice what to do with the situation as I am not autistic.

I'll start with a book recommendation as it covers way more than I can here:

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

You want to get his attention so I recommend being blunt (not rude) and telling him you like him and would like to date. He probably is suffering from low confidence as you suggest and this can cause us to be very self depteciating and believe we are not worth the attentions of others.

You say he has refused to date again - have you asked him why? If it is because he thinks he is not worth it then tell him that is not his judgement to make but yours. Tell him you will have a weekly "state of the union" chat where you talk about practical stuff and how the relationship is going. This will give him the feedback to build his confidence or to change any bad habits (a bit of a win-win for you there).

NAS94089 said:

he's told me he likes me but cannot tell me how he feels when i ask him.

This is a common autistic trait and one I suffer from. It is called alexithymia and there are tools to help develop the skills to do this. One of these is called the emotion wheel (easily found on an image search) which helps us work out what we feel.

Oddly enough it is often the case that autists experience quite profound emotions but because of our inability to identify them we internalise them and don't talk about them. It can lead to us being a bit intense.

If I were in your situation then I would have that blunt conversation telling him you like him, think he is interesting and would like to see if there is more than just friend zone potential there. Take it easy and make sure you are comfortable with the issues that come with his situation and condition and try to avoid the "games" that come with normal relationships as they are likely to miss the mark with an autist.

Good luck and thank you for taking the time to get to understand your autistic friend. I wish there were more people with your mindset out there.