I am romantically interested in someone who is autistic

Thank you for your comforting comments, and helping me to understand.

It does feel like its the end of the world for him. He feels useless and he tells me he has nothing to offer.

From everyone comments I'm understanding that, i need to change my thinking, and autistic people are highly sensitive to situations.

I would like a relationship, i am hoping he will change. I have put a lot of effort into our friendship, and i certainly don't want to walk away from him while he's feeling low, he seems to need and want me in his life, but as you say its not what i want at the moment.  

I'm pleased you succeeded in your job despite being made redundant eventually.

Losing a job is a major life-changing event. When I was made redundant, it was the end of the world. I was useless, unwanted, unneeded, unskilled despite 14 years' loyal service to the company.

Once I worked through the reality of the situation (I had survived 10 years of 6-monthly rounds of redundancy, and from the original company of 2000 people I was the 48th last person to get made redundant) I realised it was not a personal rejection, it was simply that they could not afford to pay my salary.

When I went through this, I would not have been able to process anything relationship-wise, because the rejection of my employer was so overwhelming. They also broke my contract of employment (so it felt like a divorce) which they compensated financially - but I had to deal with the end of all those relationships you make at work, get used to not having a place to go every day, then start applying for jobs and dealing with all those rejections too.

If you want a relationship, be patient, understanding, loyal and honest. Stick to what he has said, rather than how you are interpreting it. And be aware that he might not have space to deal with 2 big things right now. Comforting someone is a relationship. It might not be what you want just now, but if that's all he can cope with, you need to work out if you can make that compromise.

hi I'm southern brumby4 and I'm new here and so maybe we can be friends too and I want to know what is your interested in and maybe we can learn more about each other and I like to run and go swimming and  film my Breyer horses too and watch football like my team the Kansas city chiefs

thank you i will take a look 

Yes he is the same. He has morals, he's caring, loyal, and a lovely person.  This is why i am attracted to him. He actually had a similar experience with a young attractive girl who was interested in him but he didn't agree with her moral standards.

Its nice to hear you have been married 27 years

I like that idea. I did ask him a while ago to meet up as friends but he still refused, i am going to try that approach again. 

He might be wondering why anyone would be interested in him, when he has a hard time finding interest and the value in himself. Maybe jumping into a relationship might be too fast with everything that's been going on in his life. If both of you just enjoy each other's company, then maybe just hang out together for awhile, without any additional pressure about commitment, and see where that goes. 

Autistic people are often very moral. I know that in my younger years I didn't respond to young women who even I recognised (autistic people often do not recognise non-verbal cues) were interested in me, because I was unemployed and considered that I had nothing to offer them. Not to be boastful, but one time a very intelligent and attractive young woman essentially threw herself at me, but I didn't catch because I was 10 years older than she was. In retrospect, a relationship with me would not have harmed her in any way, as I am a kind, loyal and generous person. This stiff and often inappropriate moral sense can be crippling for autistics. I eventually found my ideal partner and have been married, to a neurotypical woman, for 27 years. Autistic people in relationships are very often entirely loyal and reliable.

I find your advice highly valuable although it does not apply to me. 

there is an author that it really help me at the beggining, it is Rudy Simone. Maybe you can look for some info there :)

Hello, thanks for your comments, he is 40 and has nothing, the only thing he understands is motorbikes. I've tried to explain the bigger picture i think its been too much and out of his reach when hes feeling like this. 

That's a good idea, i thought about doing this but then thought maybe i would offend him, its good to hear it helps you. xx

 Thank you for your response, I would assume he's not on medication as he has bad mood swings. He certainly suffers from mental issues. He wont get a diagnosis either, I think he's afraid of the outcome.

Yes i agree, it seems to have caused issues when i mention relationship or feelings. He wont meet up with me at all, I've tried everything. He seems to want and need me in his life, but i assume he can only focus on his job situation and meeting up would be too much for him. He seems to be very sensitive and needs a lot of reassurance from me. 

That's a good idea he has some beautiful traits :) 

I really hope something does come of it i would certainly like to be with him

nice to hear you have been married for 40 years :)

He will be struggling with life and his self esteem if he has recently lost his job, so you may need to have a lot of patience to help him through this difficult time.

Do you know if he is on any medication for depression /anxiety? If not, this might help lift his mood so that he is not so down on himself and might help spark his interest in getting out and doing stuff. I would suggest he speaks to his GP about the fact that he is struggling. 

I would avoid talking about feelings or trying to get him to talk about them for now - he has enough to deal with coping with everyday life at the moment. Keep things as factual and pragmatic as possible.

I would also suggest that you make a list of the traits he has that are why you like him as a person. Try and think of things he would understand as being "true" (for example don't say "you're really handsome" as he might not see himself that way) Here are some examples you could use if you feel they apply to him:

Trustworthy and loyal

Is honest and doesn't play games or try to mislead you

Arrives on time and doesn't keep you waiting

Notices small details that others miss

Has an interesting/unique way of seeing/describing things

You might be able to think of others that apply. Try to keep everything you say honest but as positive as possible.

I would also suggest that you try to see each other just as friends while he is working through things. This gives you chance to get to know each other better, and stops him being so lonely. If you are meant to be together, something more will gradually grow from this.

(By the way, I'm an autistic woman, married to an autistic man for over 40 years)

Good luck 

Hi there,

I am autistic and sometimes (almost everytime) it is very hard to try to match my emotions and sayings with a person that is neurotypical. What i can say, is that when I've got my diagnosis, I was knowing someone and he really helps me out. 

By all that you wrote, seems like he is tired of not being part of anything, tired of trying to fit it, tired of trying. I feel like that almost everyday. And most important, i'm tired of people who dont try to understand that we process the information in a different way. That may conclude in some discussion, but at the end all goes well if the other one understand our thinking.

What it helps me out every day, is that my bf is like always searching for information for Asperger and shares it with me, like podcasts. Maybe you can search some info and try to share it with him and show that you are there for him not matter what.

xoxo,

Swiftie14

I think clear communication is very key, but also sometimes actions can speak louder than words. 

You know him better than we do, so hopefully you can find something that makes sense for your situation.

That's interesting. I am pleased, i was hoping to get responses from people who are autistic.

He never asks questions, he comments saying i have alternative options instead of him even though i have told him many times. He's opened up to me recently, i keep thinking should i walk away, but then i think maybe he just needs time.

Thank you :) i feel lucky to have him in my life he is a beautiful person because he is autistic, he is different from other guys and i respect him.

That's true, the relationship meaning seems too overwhelming for him

Autisician's posts are really good, but I might just add two more things, as I can very much identify with your friend's situation.

Even if someone explicitly says to me that they are my friend, I don't believe it. I will assume that I have somehow misunderstood, that they are just "being nice" or that they are actively trying to dupe me in some way.

The other is a sense of shame from a lifetime of rejection makes it very difficult to open up - particularly around things like not having had relationships before. 

It takes a really long time for me to trust someone and reveal my true self. If you've only been with him for four months it may just be that you need more time.

He's really lucky to have you!

I would explain to him what you mean and want by "relationship."  And perhaps what the 'getting to know you' phase looks like. Sometimes little things, like putting up a curtain rod are big to us but little to the one that helps. Isn't it the day to day stuff that adds up to the big picture?

Yes, i can see the same, he thinks he might be pestering me.

We've had a few disagreements mainly because I don't understand him and he can never respond directly to my questions. He does not communicate in words how he feels, his actions prove to me he cares.

That's lovely to hear you are happily married. 

Thank you!

I will continue to work on it and see if anything comes of it, he really is hard work!