Published on 12, July, 2020
I dated an autistic guy in February this year since then we have been talking, i really like him, I've told him how i feel, and I want a relationship, but he is struggling after losing his job 3 months ago and wont commit to seeing me again. He's recently opened up to me and said he struggles to fit in, he has nothing to bring to a relationship, his life is complicated and he is struggling. He has no friends, and no girlfriend for 10 years, I am doubtful if he's ever had a girlfriend and i am not sure if this is another reason he wont date me again as he has no confidence in himself. I keep getting frustrated with the situation, it's affecting him and he gets down. he's told me he likes me but cannot tell me how he feels when i ask him. He can easily walk away with no emotions, and i get upset. Clearly he's not interested in a relationship but enjoys my company i feel maybe i am comforting him as he also said he's lonely. He longs for something meaningful but cannot see the bigger picture. We met on a dating site so I am hoping he's just going through a hard time. I keep telling myself to be patient and he will change and want to see me. I would like some advice what to do with the situation as I am not autistic.
NAS94089 said:I would like some advice what to do with the situation as I am not autistic.
I'll start with a book recommendation as it covers way more than I can here:
Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)ISBN 9781608820771
You want to get his attention so I recommend being blunt (not rude) and telling him you like him and would like to date. He probably is suffering from low confidence as you suggest and this can cause us to be very self depteciating and believe we are not worth the attentions of others.
You say he has refused to date again - have you asked him why? If it is because he thinks he is not worth it then tell him that is not his judgement to make but yours. Tell him you will have a weekly "state of the union" chat where you talk about practical stuff and how the relationship is going. This will give him the feedback to build his confidence or to change any bad habits (a bit of a win-win for you there).
NAS94089 said:he's told me he likes me but cannot tell me how he feels when i ask him.
This is a common autistic trait and one I suffer from. It is called alexithymia and there are tools to help develop the skills to do this. One of these is called the emotion wheel (easily found on an image search) which helps us work out what we feel.
Oddly enough it is often the case that autists experience quite profound emotions but because of our inability to identify them we internalise them and don't talk about them. It can lead to us being a bit intense.
If I were in your situation then I would have that blunt conversation telling him you like him, think he is interesting and would like to see if there is more than just friend zone potential there. Take it easy and make sure you are comfortable with the issues that come with his situation and condition and try to avoid the "games" that come with normal relationships as they are likely to miss the mark with an autist.
Good luck and thank you for taking the time to get to understand your autistic friend. I wish there were more people with your mindset out there.
Thank you for your advise i will look at the book i want to understand him. I like him because he is different from other guys. He knows i like him and I've told him i want a relationship. He wont date me he said he's struggling, his life is complicated and he is nothing special even though i have told him he is. It hasn't made a difference. I like the idea of being more positive, i have been negative as this is really hard for me and to have progress discussions.
NAS94089 said:He wont date me he said he's struggling, his life is complicated and he is nothing special even though i have told him he is. It hasn't made a difference.
Since you are friends you could point him towards this forum if he wants to reach out for advice or just someone who really understands what he is going throught.
He has to be ready to ask for help though and I think some of us almost shutdown and try to deal with it ourselves when it gets bad so it may take some time.
In the meantime just being there for him to talk to can be a real lifeline. As you get to understand his condition more you may be able to help him open up and build the bond between you. Who knows.
If you can find out what his special interests are then this can be a great bonding thing - just ask about his hobbies (they may be trains, science fiction, historical warfare or something random) and take an interest if you can manage it.
Also be yourself and it will make him realise that a connection to normality is within reach if he can find the energy to reach for it.
It also helps to have fun rather than talk just about serious stuff or hobbies so try to think of things you both enjoy - it could be making cookies, eating ice cream, watching Doctor Who or walking a dog - it will help him find pleasure in life in your company and will help you feel closer.
I somehow missed your comment. Thank you for your help. I have started learning a hobby which he is passionate about, for my interest but also to be able to connect with him. We've had some good discussions. I am trying to be there for him, unless he tells me he doesn't want my friendship anymore