Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
An issue has recently arisen in my relationship. I am F (35) and he is M (38). I have three tattoos from before we got together. I have always known/ suspected he didn't like them but thought it was just a matter of personally preference but after 9 months of dating, it now appears it is a BIG issue. His view is that tattoos are sign of disrespect to yourself and he hates that I must have felt in a bad place to get them. It seems he has been sitting on this for 9 months and we have had a week of tears, hard discussions and he just seems to be really struggling to get past it. He describes it as feeling like he has electricity running through his body.
At first, I found myself completely bewildered and a bit blindsided by the whole thing. I just couldn't understand why something I had done before I even knew him and frankly outdated views were being allowed to affect our relationship in this way. Up until this point, we both feel that it is the best relationship we have every been in - he is kind, thoughtful and loyal and we just seemed to click (on reflection that is probably because we hold similar values on most things)
Since the issue originally came up a week ago, he has had one session with a therapist. She apparently floated the idea of autism with him. He has never been formally diagnosed but he has said that others have said it to him in the past and now it has been mentioned, it feels like it would make so much sense and actually it helps me to see his view more compassionately. Also having thought about it some more, his rigidity of thinking applies to lots of areas of his life and I can see traits elsewhere.
I think he is going to carry on seeing this therapist which I hope helps but I am finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry, upset and judged. I am trying to exercise some patience but really am afraid that he will not be able to get past it. His view is that even if he cannot accept it then he would never leave me. I believe that he loves me a ridiculous amount and is completely committed (another one of his rigid views, that once you commit, that is you forever), but I just don't know how we could continue both feeling as we currently do.
I suppose what I am seeking is some advice on how to support my partner through what might be quite an unsettling period of self-discovery and any reassurance about whether it might be possible to see an alternative perspective on this particular issue.
Thanks.
i dunno everyone has their own preference.... and even if its your body and your tattoo people still may have a opinion.for example, i guess it depends on the tattoo... some are neat and good... but then you get some that just look dirty. and also you get some who clearly must have mental issues who tattoo their entire head and scalp, likely through the influence of some mental problem, of which then a debate arises of whether people should be checked if they are ok before getting such radical all encompassing tattoos all over them which quite frankly can negatively impact their life when its that bad and make them unemployable. but yeah even still its someone elses body and i wouldnt care... i may think it makes them look dirty but i wouldnt tell them that as its not polite.both 2 guys i have seen with full face and scalp tattoos have infact been mentally unwell, one was screaming and crying in bolton hospital for no reason and another was a skinny guy that came to our martial arts who clearly was high on drugs and not all there and couldnt move very well due to nerve damage from drugs.