Partner of undiagnosed, issue arising re a tattoo

i dunno everyone has their own preference.... and even if its your body and your tattoo people still may have a opinion.

for example, i guess it depends on the tattoo... some are neat and good... but then you get some that just look dirty. 
and also you get some who clearly must have mental issues who tattoo their entire head and scalp, likely through the influence of some mental problem, of which then a debate arises of whether people should be checked if they are ok before getting such radical all encompassing tattoos all over them which quite frankly can negatively impact their life when its that bad and make them unemployable. 

but yeah even still its someone elses body and i wouldnt care... i may think it makes them look dirty but i wouldnt tell them that as its not polite.

both 2 guys i have seen with full face and scalp tattoos have infact been mentally unwell, one was screaming and crying in bolton hospital for no reason and another was a skinny guy that came to our martial arts who clearly was high on drugs and not all there and couldnt move very well due to nerve damage from drugs.

I feel you and that's the primary thing I wanted to say and I like that you're so compassionate and patient. I hope this works out for you. 

I honestly never understood why people think they can have opinions about my own body and why they might find it even rude if I don't care about their opinions. I guess I might have rigid thinking in the opposite way, I JUST CAN'T SEE HOW THEY THINK! My mom always gets upset when I say I want to cut my hair, I don't understand why at all. I listened to her for a while and kept growing my hair, just cause I'm tired of the trouble and headache of convincing her, but my gender dysphoria was getting bad and I ended shaving part of my hair off, it was either her being upset or me being upset...I don't know if she understands that doing things like this only makes me hide more and show my true self less and less, or maybe that's exactly what she likes, for me to be what she wants. Thankfully though, she didn't get that upset but I also shaved it in a way that can be hidden if my hair falls on top of it, so that probably played a role. 

I wouldn't agree that his views are 'outdated' as it's still ok to either like or dislike tattoos - we're all entitled to our opinion - but I am puzzled as to why he appears to equate getting a tattoo with disrespecting oneself or being 'in a bad place'. Perhaps he has known other people who he thinks got tattoos for that reason, or he has seen people 'in a bad way' (drug addicts or mentally ill people, for example) who had visible ones. Maybe he has been abused or bullied in the past by someone with tattoos? 

I'm interested to know what you think and feel about your tattoos. Did you feel excited about getting them? Do you still like the designs, and do they have any significance to you? Has your current relationship made you view them any differently, and if so would you get rid of them if you could? 

Maybe if you ask more questions about why exactly he feels the way he does, and clearly explain that his view of why people get tattoos wasn't your reason, and tell him why you did it and what you think about them, that might increase your understanding of each other. Tell him you feel judged by what he thinks - he won't be able to guess how you're feeling, he's having enough trouble identifying his own feelings.

You asked for advice to try to support your partner, but relationships are two way. You have identified rigidity of mind, which as you know is common with autism, but he needs to learn that he can be rigid in his beliefs - such as not liking tattoos - but he has to accept that others think differently. 

Your relationship cannot survive you being permanently unhappy, so either he will have to accept you totally as you are or the relationship will have to end. If it comes to it, You might have to tell him that's what is going to happen. Sometimes we need a shock to make us realise what is truly important.

This is at least a little reassuring that he might “get over it” at some point. 

Autism isn't per se a reason for disliking tattoos, but autistic rigidity of thinking can make the reaction to someone's else having tattoos, if tattoos are disliked in the first place, more extreme.

I know that, speaking only for myself, my perfectionism kicks in very hard at the time I notice that something is not exactly as I think it should be. However, over time I get used to whatever is 'not right' and learn to live with it eventually.

I love my children unconditionally, nothing either of them could do could alter that in any way, but I can and do regret some of their decisions. 

Those questions have certainly gone through my mind. It’s his inflexible thinking which is problematic right now. As I say he is starting therapy so feel that I have to see whether that leads to any change. 

Yes it’s the ridigity of his thinking that  iis causing the issues for us. He just cannot see that there is an alternative perspective to what he thinks (which is very similar to what Martin describes).

This massively resonates. I expect my partner could almost have written this himself. I wouldn’t have got them if we were together at the time and won’t get any more now but I do have them and he knew I had them from early on (although he says he’d committed from that stage). He however could have walked away and didn’t and now I feel burdened by his views which I can do nothing about.

i see you say you feel differently towards your children. It’s difficult to know what I can do about this whole situation at this point. 

I don't like tattoo's and wouldn't have any myself, but body art and modification is as old as humanity and if someone wants a tattoo then it's their body and none of my business. I would say that even if your partner is autistic, this has no real relevance to you being tattoooed, he knew they were there when you met, if they were that replusive to him then why is he with you and why has he stayed with you? If it were me, I'd be seriously thinking about the wisdom of staying with this person, is this the start of a slipperly slope with an abusive relationship at the bottom? How much are you gong to have to change and give up to please him and would you make those changes if there was no autism involved?

I’m not entirely sure autism is solely a reason for disliking tattoos. I say this as someone diagnosed with asd and with approximately 20 tattoos. Personally it is no one’s business what I choose to do, or how I choose to represent myself be it clothes, piercings, tattoos. It’s a very old and outdated opinion to have and I find it highly disrespectful to form any sort of opinion on someone based on their looks. 

It sounds like you love each other so I understand the above likely isn’t particularly helpful but I wanted to put a different perspective on it to the above poster. Even though I am in my 50’s I suspect my own father has similar views although he would never say this to my face. But it saddens me to think someone could be that shallow and feel that way about me, when quite frankly it is literally none of their business. 

As an autistic man who is the father of a child with tattoos I know how your partner feels. Tattoos make no sense to me, to my mind they are permanent disfigurements that have no function. My child was beautiful and is now less beautiful to me because of the tattoos. This is upsetting. If I or my family were Maori, or any other ethnicity where tattoos had a social relevance and meaning, I would have absolutely no problem with them. I would probably have them myself, but as a purely personal choice they appear to be pointless, whimsical disfigurements. I'm saying this just to give you an idea as to how an autistic person might regard tattoos.

Autistic people are usually very loyal and honest. You are feeling the effects of the honesty, many allistic men would just not mention their dislike of tattoos, or any other feature of a partner, but autistic men may feel internally obliged to make things plain. It may also be that your partner has placed you on a bit of a pedestal, and the tattoos have marred his image of you.