School

I was growing up in nineties. My school experience was quite similar to yours. I could not interact with more than one child. I used to look for other kid that was also quiet and outsider like me. The noise that other kids made was painful and unbearable. It still is that’s why I avoid working with children. The teachers used to force me to play with my peers until I went to meltdown and ran away screaming and crying. That made my situation worse because the other kids had fun of me. I was bullied all the time. I was the “shy” one, almost unable to speak (often having shutdowns). Teachers suggested my mom to have me tested but she said that I’m perfectly normal just like her. Yeah, mommy- ego. Anyways I had it all hard way. Always being the weirdo, disliked, bullied, but I was a bit lucky to be labeled by teachers as creative and intelligent. I had problems with algebra and generally everything that was complicated and abstract. But geometry geography and other stuff that you can picture - highest scores. And languages also good, it saved my skin in secondary school because my colleagues started coming to me for help so I made a deal with them. Help for no bullying. It worked although I never felt connected to them, I was always on different wavelength. At least I had bodyguards 

The tragedy is how similar all of our stories are. Yeap, mommy and daddy never took the referral for Autism, 80s in Greece is was like I would be marked brain damaged, and to some extent it still is a stigma in Greece as we speak. I was so sorry to read myself in your comment. Then again, I would be more sorry to be those flatlined, easy to please, ordinary Neurotypical. I would not change myself or my past, I like who I am, sometimes impossible to live with, but worth it.

p.s. re Creativity, I found my peace in Music, and I love Cinematography but the latter is to "collaborating" for me.

The tragedy is how similar all of our stories are. Yeap, mommy and daddy never took the referral for Autism, 80s in Greece is was like I would be marked brain damaged, and to some extent it still is a stigma in Greece as we speak. I was so sorry to read myself in your comment. Then again, I would be more sorry to be those flatlined, easy to please, ordinary Neurotypical. I would not change myself or my past, I like who I am, sometimes impossible to live with, but worth it.

p.s. re Creativity, I found my peace in Music, and I love Cinematography but the latter is to "collaborating" for me.

Very well said, and thought. What you described is how it was, "keep away from me" attitude all over. Its truly shocking how things were in the 80s, younger generations cant even fathom what was going on back then.

I also have a daughter, she is a Neurotypical, but she understands my autism, respects it and she has been my rock in this life. But as you said it, I try to be a better parent than my parents were, but truth is, I cant get that bad, its truly impossible to be so ignorant.

Happy for you and your daughter.

I’m from Poland. In my country if someone said that they are autistic, others treated them like a contagious disease. Literally. “Don’t come close I don’t wanna get your autism”. At least in the 90’s maybe it’s little better now, I hope. It’s hard, so here I understand why my family denies it. But it’s the easiest for them to do. To just happily ignore someone else’s problem, because it’s not theirs. My whole life was one big gaslight and the question “what’s wrong with you “ or stop exaggerating etc. when I was pregnant I still had no idea I’m an aspie, but I always felt that I’m profoundly different. I promised myself, that if my child inherits my weird personality, I will never tell my child:

“you are creating these problems yourself”

“ it’s all your fault”

“you provoke so don’t wonder why you are bullied”

“ behave yourself”

“don’t exaggerate”

“you have depression? Haha! Go clean the kitchen, it will pass” etc. 

instead I would look for professional help and take my beloved child’s problems seriously. My only daughter seems to be NT like her daddy, but it doesn’t mean she may not have any problems. I will do my best to provide my child with good childhood experience, understanding and love. 

I try to reply to you but my post is flagged as spam. Just so you know i did not ignore you. I appealed it should be published at some point.

Sometimes, throughout my life, when things were calm, or things were really bad, or even it was one of those standard "not 100% days", some nights, I would just send a thought out there, to all the ones that feel like us, the ones who think nobody is there for them, people who are kidnapped, domestic abuse victims, people who lost their job, lost a close relative, anyone crying, and I would say, "you may not know it, it may not help, I think I can see you sad, but I know you are out there somewhere, and you are not alone".

One of the things that kept me going at really bad times, was that somewhere out there, was someone doing the same. It has to be. it's necessary.

Life, amongst them Neurotypicals, is a tester and a fixed game. In my case, I became an easy target, and that leaked in my personal life, took me to the hands of a very violent person. I guess this is yet another story for a "darker" topic.

I FEAR people. They say the greatest enemy will always hide in the last place you would ever look. But I learned the hard way, they do not hide, and they are everywhere.

This "naive" you wrote, I totally get it. I think thats where all starts and ends really. Evolutionary we are "friendly", optimistic, maybe naive is masking what we really are, its a word for Neurotypicals. We are "future" material.

They say that if Aliens were to visit earth, they would be probably friendly. Because it would take a life-form a culture of peace and ability to coexist with each-other to progress technologically and achieve a space travel to reach us.

Meanwhile on planet earth, they still try to get back to the moon.

Dont worry about them. We are out there. You, I, all of US, we are not alone.

Sometimes, throughout my life, when things were calm, or things were really bad, or even it was one of those standard "not 100% days", some nights, I would just send a thought out there, to all the ones that feel like us, the ones who think nobody is there for them, people who are kidnapped, domestic abuse victims, people who lost their job, lost a close relative, anyone crying, and I would say, "you may not know it, it may not help, I think I can see you sad, but I know you are out there somewhere, and you are not alone".

One of the things that kept me going at really bad times, was that somewhere out there, was someone doing the same. It has to be. It's necessary.

Life, amongst them Neurotypicals, is a tester and a fixed game. In my case, I became an easy target, and that leaked in my personal life, took me to the hands of a very violent person. I guess this is yet another story for a "darker" topic.

I FEAR people. They say the greatest enemy will always hide in the last place you would ever look. But I learned the hard way, they do not hide, and they are everywhere.

This "naive" you wrote, I totally get it. I think thats where all starts and ends really. Evolutionary we are "friendly", optimistic, maybe naive is masking what we really are, its a word for Neurotypicals. We are "future" material.

They say that if Aliens were to visit earth, they would be probably friendly. Because it would take a life-form a culture of peace and ability to coexist with each-other to progress technologically and achieve a space travel to reach us.

Meanwhile on planet earth, they still try to get back to the moon.

Dont worry about them. We are out there. You, I, all of US, we are not alone.

I wish our stories are heard, made sense of and that there is better understanding and future for next generations. 

I feel sorry for what you went through. Yes, these things were tortures! It’s good the doctor finally saved you. I heard from my step dad that if I don’t change, grow up, my life is gonna be miserable. I had meltdowns and shutdowns as a kid and teenager. I cried a lot and was suicidal. There was nobody for me. They don’t know that I already know, I don’t talk to them about it. They would only bully me, I know them too good. For me till today sounds like whistle, squeak, scream all high pitch they make me starting. And others around sometimes laugh. When the cars brake, there is often a squeak. That is awful. I was laughed at that I don’t go to parties and I had no friends. For me party is a mental torture, like an electric shock. But there is one thing I went through it was my hell on the earth. I’m not gonna write about it in the forum, but I can only say. I was definitely not prepared to deal with life, too naive, too vulnerable and abused, also growing up in violence. 

Thats what happened with me as well. And the result was I was exposed to unnecessary conditions, never got support, and I was always the "tantrum" child. My mother was particularly good at not being good at it. Up to her death a year ago, her words would always be "if you keep being the way you are, you will die alone". Thats what summaries what both my parents use to say from as long as I can remember myself.

And make no mistake, this was always happening throughout my life. Both my parents would not respect none of my traits, they would received them as Weird, Bizarre and childish nonsense, or at the very best see me as an introvert (also a stigma term back then).

And when I went to the army, and I was diagnosed as Autistic, my father used heavy military connections to revert that to "series of neurosis" and keep me in the duty. And what I found myself into for 18 months was this:

First, the amount of filth and dirt, can only be summarised in two words "ongoing decay". Everything was smelly, disgusting not to touch, but even to look at. I have a serious case of OCD since I was a toddler, I cant stand dirt. This is literally the first thing I experienced the first moment I stepped into the registration office, but soon realised it was the least of my problems, as then, all hell broke loose.

I was put to sleep in a room with 29 more people. I wont go on the bullying, it would be degrading to retrieve that memory. During the night, every 2 hours a new patrol would begin. Two people would come, two people would go. Each pair had to pull their rifles from the secure stand, where they were secured with chains through the triggers and barrels. This process would require force to release the chains and also check the ones applied were secure. I was waken up so disturbingly that my heart started running as i type this the way it did then, 30 years ago. But the pairs would not come/go at the same time, a guard would wake up the new pair 30 mins prior and to do that would come in the room, open the fluorescent lights and kick beds.

Now. Guess what unit I was placed. Artillery. I spent 18 months listening to canons and tanks. If I was to be tortured based on my Sensory Hypersensitivity, that would be the way.

But then, I was blessed a Psychiatrist did an assessment and marked me with Asperger's and I was not put inside one of these tanks. He was one of the pioneers to test Risperidone on autistics and offered me a chance to trial it. That medication has saved my life, for that alone, I am happy I went to the army.

That Psychiatrist saved my life. We are still in contact. Took me under his wing so to speak. He diagnosed me for Asperger's and did the change the last day I left the army to avoid my parents frustrating the procedure.

But when I first landed in the army, I had nobody, I was practically tortured by the environment I was put into. So, I called back home, I called my father, I was crying to take me away. I had marks all over my body from hitting things when I was having meltdowns. My meltdowns were seen as just aggressive behaviour, and my shutdowns as disrespect to officers, and I was getting disciplinary actions on my record. I was in HELL. I asked help from my dad.

The answer of my father was this: "Grow a pair".

My life, has been hell, because my parents never accepted the fact that I had Autism. Some people from my family refuse to accept it to date. When my parents found out I left the army with a diagnosis for Autism, I was practically outcasted from my own family, and they took the whole thing to the next level.

They were telling people, even random ones they worked with, that I was just a black sheep, only half facts of happened to the army ( that i was crying like a baby and i was a coward and a disgrace). That I was just too demanding, bored to do this or that, and that I would react like a baby, just because I could not get things my way. They spoke like this to so many people, to make me look as just a bad character, they got so used doing it that they literally did that with anyone they ever met and asked them how I am, "oh him, what a disgrace, let me tell you...".

Eventually I started meeting people who have heard of me, with most notable a girl that I met online and met at a coffee restaurant. When she realised who I was, because I was describing the work of my mother (very specific profession), she started saying all the stuff she had heard, with what went down when I was at the army, and started laughing. There must have been 50 people in that restaurant that day. They all stopped and looked at me, most of them laughing, the rest of them shaking their heads.

Parents and autism. In the 80s. Yeah.

They never smacked, or hit me. I was always provided with clothes, food, toys tc etc But allow me to say, I was abused from both of them, till the day they died. Because they never cared to support me, only to judge me.

This story goes further down the rabbit hole. Gets very ugly when daddy decided to make a new family and had two kids that were also diagnosed autistics, one of them Schizophrenic. But thats a dark story for another time.

What my life would have been if I lived today, one may ask. Truth is, its a roll of a dice. With parents, its like Forrest Gump said about Chocolate boxes, "you never know what you gonna get".

I think it hurt my mom’s ego. “My daughter is autistic?! No way! My daughter is not broken!” Unfortunately I had it really hard way, if she only knew… I’m happy that at least now I know.