Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm in my mid 20s, and I started doing this when I was 13.
Quite often, if I'm stressed or angry, I'll skip meals because I just won't feel like it. If I've screwed up, I'll punish myself by not eating.
If I'm angry with someone, my way of sticking it to them is to not eat. It's kind of me being spiteful, like "that person is angry with me therefore I'll hurt myself".
There's probably little logic to it (!) but for me, it's a form of taking back some control.
I'm really sorry you're going through this HMO.
This is something I used to do to myself and in the past I also would punish myself if I did something I felt was wrong, such as not eating and drinking. Drinking was usually what I'd sacrifice as a form of punishment.
It's a form of self harm and I ended up going to the GP about it and was referred to a therapist but lain is completely right, doing other things as a punishment like putting the hoover round, doing gardening, any chore you would normally find punishing. It still feels like a punishment but it doesn't physically harm you and that's a good thing.
Also, important to remember, you don't really deserve to be punished for doing something wrong. Try to remind yourself of that. I'm still not great at remembering it for myself but it's something I'm trying to improve on.
It's a sense of wanting to get ahead of others. Punishing myself so no one else can.
I already see a therapist so I'm not sure what my GP can do.
I'm glad you're in a better place.
I'm sorry people punished you before. That's terrible and they were wrong to do so. No one should be punished for making a mistake.
You are strong enough. it's easy to focus on the negatives but don't let your mind and those thoughts block out the good things you've done. The mind is so self destructive but no matter what it tells you there's no way you deserve to be treated in this way.
Does your therapist know about this? If not, it might be worth trying to say about it. He or she might be able to help your address.
Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.
HMO said:I'm glad you're in a better place.
Thank you, you're so kind.
I appreciate that. It's annoying that this place doesn't notify me via email or anything when someone responds.
It used to, and all the right boxes are ticked, but not anymore.
You're welcome. Happy to listen anytime, I know only too well how much it means when people care and are willing to hear you out.
Thank you, I hope so. I appreciate that there's people here willing to listen.
HMO said:It still feels very dead-end though.
With help from your therapist this should change. When I first started therapy I felt like I was trapped in a dark room and I couldn't see a way out but in the end things got brighter with my therapists help. I hope it will be the same for you.
It's better than nothing. It still feels very dead-end though.
I'm glad you have that for support. It means you're not in it alone and that's what counts. Brighter days are ahead and I'm sure she can help you reach them
That's exactly how I feel about my therapist. Sometimes I think of her as like a maternal figure too, and sometimes it just helps to have that.
HMO said:Yeah, I need a mannequin to punch or something...
Lol I think I could do with one too
I really do hope things will change for the better for you soon. Your therapist sounds amazing and I'm sure given time she can help you work through this.
My old therapist was brill I often thought of her as my friend and that helped a lot, just the thought of having a friend who understood.
HMO said:I hope you have that. Thank you for always being so kind.
You're very welcome