Published on 12, July, 2020
I was in a long term relationship and I made it clear from the start that I was seeking an autism diagnosis, and my partner was totally chill with that. But as soon as I was diagnosed he treated me differently. I tired to talk to him about how I face work place discrimination due to my disability, and that autistic people were less likely to be employed etc., but he wouldn't listen o me and didn't care. He even said "why would people hire autistic people if they won't even be good at their job?", which was really hurtful. I think the worst thing for him was just me being anxious whilst in public. I was really struggling because I was newly diagnosed and we were in a really busy part of London, and so I did start crying from stress. I think he just felt embarrassed by me.
A couple days later he broke up with me, citing that I am too emotional, needy, and dependent on him. When I asked him if it was specifically the autism, he didn't answer me, so I can assume that's a yes. It has been 2 months since then and I'm still devastated as to why he treated me like this. I am not sure how to move forward in my life or have a relationship again knowing that my partner could end up heavily disliking me because I'm autistic. It hurts to know that who I am is so terrible that my ex just felt out of love with me. Pls advise me. :)
Phrases like "plenty more fish in the sea" and all that won't make you feel better right now. But yes you do deserve to be accepted, validated and treated well for who you are. In the long run this guy wasn't up to being good boyfriend material and in time you'll see that.
It occurs to me that you'd be wondering whether his behaviour and attitude will be everyone's behaviour and attitude, it won't honestly. I went undiagnosed for 56 years in which time I did have a fair few boyfriends who I turned out to be better friends with than partners - I think on reflection because some aspect of my Autistic way of being didn't gel with their NT way of being, but I have also had really good relationships with guys who - guess what, later also identified as Autistic too. Guess we instinctively detected each other with our "neuroscopes" and got each other! And yes, now I'm looking at them thinking: "Yeah! So obvious, of course you are!"
Post diagnosis, my current partner is really interested in my experiences as an Autistic person and tells me I've opened his eyes to a lot. What I think he appreciates most is that he can say anything he likes to me as directly as he likes and always get a straight up answer without me having taken offence at anything- not known to beat about the bush, are we? And that leads to a great deal of emotional honestly, which is what all relationships need. I strongly suspect he is ADHD btw. And we rather enjoy each others little foibles.
Truth is some NT folk won't get it and can't adapt to the way you need to live. But it is also true that there are people out there who will positively embrace your differences and might well deeply appreciate your willingness to accept theirs. In the end, every relationship is a risk, but some risks will pay off. So, I guess what I am saying is that whilst there are bound to be some disappointments, someone out there is bound to love the authentically Autistic you. Not every guy will behave the way this one did and you should never feel the pressure to mask around those who are closest to you (I know some do, but ideally we shouldn't have to).
don,t lisne what others think about you and perfict the way you are and I will be your friend