Published on 12, July, 2020
I was in a long term relationship and I made it clear from the start that I was seeking an autism diagnosis, and my partner was totally chill with that. But as soon as I was diagnosed he treated me differently. I tired to talk to him about how I face work place discrimination due to my disability, and that autistic people were less likely to be employed etc., but he wouldn't listen o me and didn't care. He even said "why would people hire autistic people if they won't even be good at their job?", which was really hurtful. I think the worst thing for him was just me being anxious whilst in public. I was really struggling because I was newly diagnosed and we were in a really busy part of London, and so I did start crying from stress. I think he just felt embarrassed by me.
A couple days later he broke up with me, citing that I am too emotional, needy, and dependent on him. When I asked him if it was specifically the autism, he didn't answer me, so I can assume that's a yes. It has been 2 months since then and I'm still devastated as to why he treated me like this. I am not sure how to move forward in my life or have a relationship again knowing that my partner could end up heavily disliking me because I'm autistic. It hurts to know that who I am is so terrible that my ex just felt out of love with me. Pls advise me. :)
don,t lisne what others think about you and perfict the way you are and I will be your friend
Thank you for all your kind and helpful comments :) they have all been helpful
Been there, done that. Believe me, he was not a partner that you would have been happy with. Real men (and real women) stick around when things get difficult. He was a "fair weather friend", and you are better off without him. At least, you discovered it early.
Phrases like "plenty more fish in the sea" and all that won't make you feel better right now. But yes you do deserve to be accepted, validated and treated well for who you are. In the long run this guy wasn't up to being good boyfriend material and in time you'll see that.
It occurs to me that you'd be wondering whether his behaviour and attitude will be everyone's behaviour and attitude, it won't honestly. I went undiagnosed for 56 years in which time I did have a fair few boyfriends who I turned out to be better friends with than partners - I think on reflection because some aspect of my Autistic way of being didn't gel with their NT way of being, but I have also had really good relationships with guys who - guess what, later also identified as Autistic too. Guess we instinctively detected each other with our "neuroscopes" and got each other! And yes, now I'm looking at them thinking: "Yeah! So obvious, of course you are!"
Post diagnosis, my current partner is really interested in my experiences as an Autistic person and tells me I've opened his eyes to a lot. What I think he appreciates most is that he can say anything he likes to me as directly as he likes and always get a straight up answer without me having taken offence at anything- not known to beat about the bush, are we? And that leads to a great deal of emotional honestly, which is what all relationships need. I strongly suspect he is ADHD btw. And we rather enjoy each others little foibles.
Truth is some NT folk won't get it and can't adapt to the way you need to live. But it is also true that there are people out there who will positively embrace your differences and might well deeply appreciate your willingness to accept theirs. In the end, every relationship is a risk, but some risks will pay off. So, I guess what I am saying is that whilst there are bound to be some disappointments, someone out there is bound to love the authentically Autistic you. Not every guy will behave the way this one did and you should never feel the pressure to mask around those who are closest to you (I know some do, but ideally we shouldn't have to).
It’s one reason why I as an older Irish gay man in the U.K. would not jump into the gay dating scene following my diagnosis regardless of whether or not I’d disclose my diagnosis and even though many gay men are on the spectrum, many gay men are also incredibly judgmental and prejudiced against anyone that is “different” and honestly, I think that gay dating apps and websites have made this situation far worse in the modern age - another thing that I have to consider especially following my diagnosis is that even though I live alone in the U.K. is the attitudes and potential judgemental attitudes of disapproval from my family in Rural Ireland, who in many ways, like myself, are traditional Irish Catholics and family connections are important to me - when I first came out as gay following my teens in the 1980’s in Rural Ireland, they (quite rightly as it turned out, because I was raised an only child) strongly disapproved of my being gay and disapproved of even any close friendships at the time (bad company) in accordance with Catholic Social Teaching and my initial contacts with the gay community after I came out were marked with non-acceptance and judgemental attitudes from other gay men, even outside of the gay scene and long before my diagnosis - coming out as having autism is in many ways similar to coming out as gay and romantic relationships are a minefield
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.
Sending virtual hugs.
It must be very painful to feel like you are not good enough because of your autism. I want to assure you that it's not true, you are good enough and there are many people who will love and accept you for who you are. It's important to remember that your ex-boyfriend's opinion of you does not define who you are. He's entitled to his own feelings, but that doesn't mean that his feelings are true or that it's right to treat you in such a way. You deserve so much better. You are a valuable person, and you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. I know it's hard to move on after a breakup, but it's important to try to focus on the positive things in your life. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Do things that make you happy. And don't give up on love. There are many people out there who will love you for who you are.
To be perfectly honest it sounds like you had a lucky escape. You are worth more than that. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are and will treat you with the respect you deserve.
Take your time to process what's happened. Don't beat yourself up and don't rush moving on. Take your time and be kind to yourself. I know it's still raw right now but I hope you'll find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.
You'll never know why your ex behaved the way he did, accepting that and giving up on the "what if" scenarios will help.
Relationships face tests and sometimes they fail those tests but to assume that it's all about you or your condiion is a mistake.
Gong foeward focus on being yourself snd being happy
You're well rid. You can do better than someone who treats you like that
NAS93341 said: He even said "why would people hire autistic people if they won't even be good at their job?"
actually theres another way that can be perceived.... its complimentary.... hes saying, if they took you on, and keep you on, then you are good at your job.... they wouldnt continue to be hiring you if you was bad at your job... why would they keep you on the payroll if you was bad at your job? ... kinda like that, so in a way hes saying to chill, if your employed then your clearly good enough to keep your job as if you wasnt good enough for the job they wouldnt continue to hire you.
I'm sorry you went through it. From what you've described, it seems he didn't know how to accommodate your needs and wasn't prepared for the reality of that. Ambiguity can be difficult but I think it's a difficult conversation he preferred to avoid.
I wouldn't rush the moving forward process. Do whatever you need to do, take as long as you need.