Do you struggle to comfort people?

I think probably some of my most valued "comforting conversations" towards someone have actually often involved me being bold enough to bring a chair over next to someone clearly upset - and for me to, deliberately, sit down calmly and silently - in doing so offer solidarity in that I have telegraphed that I have taken seriously that they are unhappy about something important to them - and my concentrating on making myself available to them ...to really listen to and think carefully about what it is they are ready to share of their story (without my adding to their turmoil at that particular moment) - for as long as they seem to welcome my being sat there for their support.

For some of my neurodivergent colleagues the silent companionship in a crisis seems to be particularly welcome.  This is to be followed by a period of reflection by both parties either based upon what was said / an upsetting email shared with me from some protagonist who had been the final straw for the happiness of my colleague.

There is a kind of unspoken / unwritten understanding that the upset person trusts in me; that I will have taken it all onboard, I took it seriously and I will have carried on investigating / exploring some ideas which might be more considered constructive feedback etc. ... for reasoned joint discussion when the person has had a chance to calm to some extent 

I may not be naturally built for being one of life's "vanguard" warriors in such situations (no "poor you" platitudes on offer etc ) and yet, I would  like to think I can usually be relied upon to stick by someone as they ride their high emotions (I am unlikely to get swept up in them - and I think that can feel like a safety net for some people) - yes, it is true that I may not be great at knowing and expressing my own emotions - although, having said that, I can also be quicker (than other people) to pick up on another team colleague in distress.

My role (in a tough time for someone) is more often that of the pragmatic, innovative, problem-solving, reflective, steadfast "rearguard" advocate. 

Such a role can be somewhat under the radar compared to a neurotypical team member - but I have my uses (or suit some folk in their time of need).  I have found this to be all the more the case amongst my neurodivergent colleagues (indeed, my having noticed that I can tread such a path with them when even their long-term Line Managers shied away from the challenge - was one of the warning signals to set me on my journey to try and answer the question: might I too be an Autistic person?).

Not least of which, my approach is very determined when it comes to having detected that raising Duty of Care escalation, where necessary, is overdue within the team hierarchy.  (I feel this is one of the Autistic-Me traits which I can afford colleagues when others have perhaps noticed what is going on ...and they have melted away to the kitchen etc.).

So, yes, (by the traditional neurotypical benchmark), I would say that I do struggle to comfort people.  However, I am less likely to flap in a crisis, and I believe I can suit aiding some people when they might have (at first) feared they were alone in a pretty dark place and were feeling they might have been all too short of palatable options for their putting their foot into their life-raft / stepladder out of the situation.

I have also the advantage of greater age on my side - as part of my Toolbox to be drawn upon too.  Other people in trouble (even perhaps where they realise they have made a crushing mistake) can sometimes take solace in that less adversarial route to feeling it would probably be OK to seek help via me.

In addition, I have also lived through some out of the ordinary experiences in my own life (both in the UK and abroad).  This means I do "get" what it feels like, and what it can take sometimes: to navigate traumatic scenarios to reach a more stable platform. 

Accordingly, I do also appreciate just what a "long-play record" that can mean for someone - potentially. encountering later trigger(s)... which risk propelling them swiftly back to re-experiencing an echo relating more to something from their deep-history.  This means there is another cohort I sometimes find I can assist on terms of mutual recognition in a time of difficulty: those current or former military personnel.  We can reach a type of brusque unspoken "short hand" ...and more quickly get to being able to answer the (often unspoken but clearly synchronised) question and affirmation "Are we doing this?" (yes) followed by (the consensus resolution plan having been laid-in) ..."Crack On!".  No drama, no repercussions, no gossiping - really quite transactional (to the grateful relief of all involved, I dare say!).

...one conundrum remains for me to address and upon which to prevail: who could step up and be proactive in supporting me in the workplace?  (Or outside of the workplace for that matter?) - ...were I to be the person in need? 

I believe not being able to readily answer that hiccup question; is one of the negative side-effects of being such a late identified Autistic woman who (by necessity of deploying survival strategies, bourne of ignorance, including: masking / camouflaging / compensating) likely achieved "Autistic invisibility" - often among friends, relatives, neighbours, society and colleagues alike!. 

With the benefit.of very new insight, it does not follow that "Autistic-invisible" as an "achievement" was: healthy or to my greatest benefit - it was merely expedient, solo, in a vacuum.

Well, I have only very recently had the opportunity to begin addressing that conundrum.  I am up for, but do not underestimate, the challenge.

By way of motivation; I intend to keep in my mind, along the way, the recollection of having once worked with a tenacious former UK Royal Marines Commando - are Marines ever really "former"? -- whilst in what was his first civvy street corporate role.  I am trying to imagine that, if he were to have heard about my current "acclimatise to Autism" challenge (with trepidation); which I have set for myself these days ...I could quite reasonably have expected, (following the obligatory pause for a brew of course), to have heard his assertive voice instructing, rather than that of my own, for a change, ..."Crack On!".

(For the benefit of our non-UK-based Community Members: "Crack On" is an informal British means of saying: "proceed or progress quickly").

I think over text its very difficult to offer support beyond a certain extent in the immediate moment. Whereas in person offering compassionate support may be a lot easier. At the end of the day there is enormous value in just listening, holding space for someone else and letting them express themselves without judgement. I know exactly how you feel about the "I'm sorry your feeling this way" statement, it can sometimes feel like I want to say more but there just aren't the words and I feel uncaring.

Especially when trying to support those with mental health difficulties, remember there is only so much you can do. You cannot change their life neither is it your responsibility to. But by offering an ear and letting them know you are there while they go through their recovery journey shows you care. Sometimes an individual cannot be comforted when they are experiencing certain emotional distress, in this case I think maybe the only thing we can do is to sit alongside them (physically or over text as it were) and with time hope their emotional distress changes or they find comfort in themselves.

It's the 'ape thing', hugging, that I have difficulty with. Though other people's emotional distress affects me greatly, I would only hug someone from my immediate family or a very close friend. Physical contact with strangers or acquaintances I find highly unpleasant. I would tend to dissect the problem causing the distress and suggest remedies, useful, but not in the 'there, there' way.

Absolutely can relate. What I have learnt about myself is that I much prefer to receive information, process it internally over a period of time and then respond. Doesn’t matter what the situation is. Unfortunately this makes it difficult for handling situations which require immediate responses.

Recognising this has allowed me to be honest with others by letting them know I’m not good with advice in moments like that, but I’m happy to listen.

I'm a great listener.

But offering support and comfort during difficult times really throws me. I try....but I feel like I just make the situation worse.

I do feel a bit awkward. Part of me wants to ask "what can I do for you?" but then I'm expecting them to do the emotional admin.

Depends on the person, I suppose. 

don't beat yourself up, you are trying to help when most don't even try. you are a deeply caring person and highly empathic to the suffering of others which is an autistic tendency btw. You are tying to help people as best you can. This makes you a good person

Miss Understood said:

I just don't know how to show it.

How about being authentic and just tell them "I'm sorry. Let me know how I can help. I'm not great at this sort of stuff but I'm here for you".

That tells them you care, you are willing to help (but they need to ask for it) and they have your support.

Let them come to you with what they need - it makes it a whole lot easer to support them.

Well, I've learned that when people are upset, they are either looking for advice to solve a problem, or they want emotional support. Those who solve their problem, end up obviously fine. Those who want emotional support, repeatedly come back to talk to you to get emotional support. I mean, you can try to help them, as you have been trying to do, but you might miss the mark, and come across the wrong way, or say the wrong things, and then they'll be more upset. So then maybe you're not the right person that can emotionally support them, and they need the help of a mental health professional. There's only so much you can do.