End of Relationship due to autism, What now?

Hi 

Im really sorry to hear of your situation atm. I cannot offer any advice on this I’m afraid but I can relate in a way. My relationship isn’t the best being honest and get told I’m weird regularly along with other names I don’t care to mention lol.

I have been in my relationship for around 27 years so I understand when you have been in a relationship for a long time the prospect of living alone is a little scary. I often think about this myself as I find that my partner doesn’t really like me all that much and being truthful puts herself first before others, this goes the opposite way for me as I tend to make sure others are okay before I help myself. This of course is a product of my own doing as I’ve always been a people pleaser, I guess the more you offer the more people want in this case. Bit sad really. 
I am not sure how old you are but remember that you managed by yourself before this relationship and you will be able to again. 
The small piece of advice I would like to pass on is whatever happens don’t let bad feelings towards your ex/partner take over, I have seen countless times people that have separated and literally spent the rest of their life being resentful. In the end it only hurts you. 

Be kind to yourself and think of it as a new start and through your experience you will be better placed to make some good choices for yourself.

Good luck and take care!

I could have written that back in 2002!!

Fortunately I had the words of Harry Lagan, Lion amongst men, raconteur par  excellence and second hand dealer extraordinaire, and my stand in dad when it came to life lessons soemtimes. " I Sperg" (he woldn't say, because obv's he knew me by a different name) "Women are like washing mashines, if you need oen just place and advert and select the best that present themselves for yoru view..." 

WIse, (if slightly misogynistic) words. 

Some other words of wisdom I heeded, were spoken to me by Maj Gen Charles E Yeager famed WW2 fighter pilot/ engineer and astronot (as depicted in the film  "The rRght Stuff") via the computer game I was playing at the time; "Get back up there and try it again".. 

pull a uno reverse..... take the home or get it split, make her leave too lol

NAS93209 said:

now I need to deal with that and find somewhere else to live and it's all a bit much.

First thing is to deal with the practicalities. Don't be afraid to call in any support you have left for this as it can be a challenge.

If you have ever tried a mind map before then this technique is great for breaking down the tasks.

Basically write down the objective in a bubble in the middle of a sheet of A4 paper. Now start to think of all the things that need to be done to get there - start with big clusters of tasks like - finding the flat, organising utility bills, moving your stuff, getting the furniture you need, notifying all the relevant companies of the change of address etc.

create a satellite bubble for each of these around the central bubble and start writing the names of who you need to speak to for these around them.

Then create a new sheet with these satellite bubbles and expand on them - eg finding a new flat involves:

• finding estate agents and telling them what you want
• Gathering bank statements, salary slips, previous utility bills etc to supply if you are renting.
• Checking what other proofs are needed if renting.
• Liberating enough cash from savings for the likes of a deposit and all up front costs (first months rent, initial food shop etc etc)
• setting aside time to view properties (rentals go very fast so you need to be ready to move quickly)

Repeat this process for all the satellite tasks and before long you have all the big picture planned out, so you can break it into smaller tasks and just work through them repeatedly until they are all done or awaiting someone else.

It is a version of project planning for small tasks like house moves.

Once you have a place to live in and are secure then get yourself a therapist and talk through the issues with them - just make sure they are well versed in dealing with autists.

Good luck

Is the relationship break up all your fault?

Is it autism's fault?

I ask these questions because you don't say why the relationship ended other than autism, I understand that you may not wish to share more and thats OK, but it bugs me when people have ended relationships with me because "I'm weird" or dont' do "normal stuff", or think and act like "normal" people. Whats really galling is that in the begining it was these things that attracted the other person to me. I don't accept autism as an excuse for a relationship ending, its seems like a way for the other person to absolve themselves of all responsibility for how the relationship worked, whilst trying not to sound judgemental, its not you, its your autism. What a load of tosh, you and autism are inseperable its part of who you are and presumabley part of why she was attracted to you in the first place. People do change over time and can grow apart in all sorts of ways, but I think blaming autism is lazy and a sign that the other person takes no responsibilty themselves, it takes two to make a relationship, two people relating.

I do understand the feelings of what now? Is there anything tht you've wanted to do but haven't felt able to  because of this other person in your life?

Take some time to be yourself, learn more about who you are without being attached to someone else. Focus on the needs first, housing, job, food etc. and when those are settled take some time.

If you find it hard thinking about yourself then a therapist may be a good option.

I'm really sorry to hear that, breakups suck. My last relationship ended for similar reasons, so I feel your pain. I wish I could offer some advice but all I can say is that with time things will even out and be less painful. I'm still essentially best friends with my ex, so maybe you can find a way to do the same or similar with yours. Again, I'm really sorry