Published on 12, July, 2020
Whether you're setting a boundary or asking for something. Whatever the context.
I hate it and feel like I'm being judged all the time. Everyone has preferences when it comes to friendships (as you should) but the odd person has indicated that I'm asking for too much, even though I feel I'm being completely reasonable. It might just be the way I put it across but still.
It's silky because I know that I wouldn't judge someone else if they did the same, but I automatically default to being a bad person that deserves judgement.
I'm hoping I'm not alone.
HMO said:the odd person has indicated that I'm asking for too much, even though I feel I'm being completely reasonable.
Is it possible that you lack the understanding of how others perceive "reasonable"? It is a subjective value so it may well be that you are misunderstanding the persons value system and are imposing your own in the evaluation of the interaction.
I found that a training course in assertiveness with role playing was what it took for me to be able to identify what was reasonable for a boundary and how to get apply it effectively in the face of push back.
It is a skill you can learn, even as an autist (I'm proof of it) so that would be my advice.
Understanding others is a different matter but asking for your own boundaries to be respected is what this training is about.
Understanding others effectively would probably require a course in psychology as it is a many tentacled monster.
Perhaps. I tended to feel that me wanting a friendship to be equal was reasonable but merely wanting that (irrespective of whether the other person actually feels the same) seemed to cause issues. As though it was something unrealistic to expect from another adult, even though I wasn't suggesting we talk every day or anything like that.