Feeling like you're being difficult for asserting yourself

I have gotten to the point where I just don’t bother trying to assert myself anymore because every time I have it’s always caused problems and things get misunderstood and I always end up forced into doing what the other person wants to do so I just don’t bother anymore. I find it difficult anyway because it’s overwhelming for me to assert myself because I am sitting there worrying that if I say anything that it’s just gonna to upset people because I’m not explaining it well and things just spiral from there. It’s too much for me.

Perhaps. I tended to feel that me wanting a friendship to be equal was reasonable but merely wanting that (irrespective of whether the other person actually feels the same) seemed to cause issues. As though it was something unrealistic to expect from another adult, even though I wasn't suggesting we talk every day or anything like that.

I am not sure if this helps - I hope it will - there are four things I make use of (as an Autistic woman who still rarely "Discloses" in college / workplace situations with mere acquaintances as opposed to real-life-friends).

Each technique has been learnt from a different person across my life.  I have just put them all together - as a sort of well rehearsed virtual "toolbox" (in my mind) so I feel confident to use the techniques when needed.

1) Someone kindly once told me that; there can be power in being bold to describe a feeling you hold dear - as it can make it more difficult for the (lets call it out; unimpressive / unpleasant) other person: to come back at you with a quick, smart, derogatory, negative reply or remark).

2) I combine the above with a technique I learned on an Assertiveness course (it was designed for the workplace but is effective in other areas of life too)  it is a sentence, in three parts, which are used all together:

- I UNDERSTAND ...(something which shows you have both heard and thought about what they said to you),

- HOWEVER ...(describe what / why you feel / value / prefer something different to their approach),

- THEREFORE ...(make it politely clear what you need them to do next time (instead) when they want to speak to you / message you etc. again).

3) There is a top tip gained from a professional speaker / presenter for effectively dealing with "hecklers" - those poor quality things said for effect (often when they are trying too hard to look clever in front of others) - said to you in front of an audience of your peer group: try calmly and nicely - simply asking them to repeat what they said - as though you really did not hear all of it the first time (because; it usually sounds like an even more stupid / pointless / selfish thing to have said to you - when your peer group hear it for a second time!).

4) I was once reminded that we each of us (particularly women, or people more generally if dealing with someone trying to unreasonably act superior to other people) need to remember (and find different ways which suit us / the situation):

- to sometimes learn to say "no" to such people, knowing that what we are actually saying is "yes" to ourselves.  Not least, because it then means two things happen: 1) we have enough energy to remember to be good to / look after ourselves, and, in achieving that; 2) we are more likely to then have spare energy to pay it forward to / support the real people we care about.

I have found; there can also be a few bonus outcomes to using these techniques:

a) sensible people overhearing / witnessing / reading online poor behaviour, like this, being tackled by you this type of way - might be more likely to back you up (as it gives them something a bit more "real" to join forces with on your behalf).

b) each time you exercise such techniques - you have the opportunity to benefit from feeling you backed yourself up / backed your point of view in a difficult situation.  This can be important for maintaining our own self-worth.

c) if, unfortunately, the situation / relationship were to remain toxic (or become worse) and you find it necessary to escalate to reporting it to someone as a trusted authority figure (ask for help) - it can help your report (request for help) to sound super-reasonable ...when you are also able to explain some of the things you have already tried to tackle and improve matters.

Sometimes people say: for you to find better / different friends ...I think that is obviously sometimes the safest (correct) thing to do. 

(Although, you might feel that you potentially miss out on a chance to learn new skills - to put you in a good position for dealing with something similar in the future). 

Trust your judgement, or ask for advice / help from someone who knows you well.  It is good to share tackling a challenge like this one.

I believe, if we are able to, we need to learn to trust our instinct (inner voice and thought).  BUT, if you are not sure what to do for the best - please do ask for help from someone you trust in your community (or talk to a professional person used to helping lots of people with problems like this one - such as the help lines listed on this National Autistic Society website). 

You do not need to tackle this alone.  You can find people who will hear what you have to say and they will be able to suggest other sensible things which might be new to you.

I am not a "real hug" kind of person - but this time, please imagine a "virtual hug of encouragement" because it does not sound like the person you are describing is being nice to you.  Luckily, there are other people to be discovered in a college - so here is to wishing that you find some of those nicer people - while you are at college.

Setting boundaries is all about power relationships and people often don't like others standing in their own power as it stops them dominating you and telling you what you want/need/ought to want/need etc. Maybe you assert yourself to strongly at first and come across as agressive, so maybe tone down how you assert yourself verbally without giving ground. But you do have to compromise in relationships with others, everybody should get most of what they need for a friendship to work.

HMO said:

the odd person has indicated that I'm asking for too much, even though I feel I'm being completely reasonable.

Is it possible that you lack the understanding of how others perceive "reasonable"? It is a subjective value so it may well be that you are misunderstanding the persons value system and are imposing your own in the evaluation of the interaction.

I found that a training course in assertiveness with role playing was what it took for me to be able to identify what was reasonable for a boundary and how to get apply it effectively in the face of push back.

It is a skill you can learn, even as an autist (I'm proof of it) so that would be my advice.

Understanding others is a different matter but asking for your own boundaries to be respected is what this training is about.

Understanding others effectively would probably require a course in psychology as it is a many tentacled monster.

I often feel like that I am being perceived as "being difficult" for NOT asserting myself.  Often, I simply don't give a monkey's X!

I can an example an about this in my life currently.I have this “friend “ in my college.She clearly love gossiping and invalidates people like ***.As a closeted autistic , she always tells me I look dead or I talk too less like Tf how am I supposed to respond to that??? This world needs more discipline atp..I try to tell her indirectly I’m not comfortable but she keeps doing it because she wants to be the “bigger person”.

‍♀️ like stfu