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Feeling like you're being difficult for asserting yourself

HMO

Whether you're setting a boundary or asking for something. Whatever the context.

I hate it and feel like I'm being judged all the time. Everyone has preferences when it comes to friendships (as you should) but the odd person has indicated that I'm asking for too much, even though I feel I'm being completely reasonable. It might just be the way I put it across but still.

It's silky because I know that I wouldn't judge someone else if they did the same, but I automatically default to being a bad person that deserves judgement.

I'm hoping I'm not alone.

  • I have gotten to the point where I just don’t bother trying to assert myself anymore because every time I have it’s always caused problems and things get misunderstood and I always end up forced into doing what the other person wants to do so I just don’t bother anymore. I find it difficult anyway because it’s overwhelming for me to assert myself because I am sitting there worrying that if I say anything that it’s just gonna to upset people because I’m not explaining it well and things just spiral from there. It’s too much for me.

  • in reply to Iain

    Perhaps. I tended to feel that me wanting a friendship to be equal was reasonable but merely wanting that (irrespective of whether the other person actually feels the same) seemed to cause issues. As though it was something unrealistic to expect from another adult, even though I wasn't suggesting we talk every day or anything like that.

  • Setting boundaries is all about power relationships and people often don't like others standing in their own power as it stops them dominating you and telling you what you want/need/ought to want/need etc. Maybe you assert yourself to strongly at first and come across as agressive, so maybe tone down how you assert yourself verbally without giving ground. But you do have to compromise in relationships with others, everybody should get most of what they need for a friendship to work.

  • HMO said:
    the odd person has indicated that I'm asking for too much, even though I feel I'm being completely reasonable.

    Is it possible that you lack the understanding of how others perceive "reasonable"? It is a subjective value so it may well be that you are misunderstanding the persons value system and are imposing your own in the evaluation of the interaction.

    I found that a training course in assertiveness with role playing was what it took for me to be able to identify what was reasonable for a boundary and how to get apply it effectively in the face of push back.

    It is a skill you can learn, even as an autist (I'm proof of it) so that would be my advice.

    Understanding others is a different matter but asking for your own boundaries to be respected is what this training is about.

    Understanding others effectively would probably require a course in psychology as it is a many tentacled monster.

  • I often feel like that I am being perceived as "being difficult" for NOT asserting myself.  Often, I simply don't give a monkey's X!

  • I can an example an about this in my life currently.I have this “friend “ in my college.She clearly love gossiping and invalidates people like ***.As a closeted autistic , she always tells me I look dead or I talk too less like Tf how am I supposed to respond to that??? This world needs more discipline atp..I try to tell her indirectly I’m not comfortable but she keeps doing it because she wants to be the “bigger person”.

    ‍♀️ like stfu