Taking a compliment

I appreciate that resource - I did not know about before.

My natural stance would generally be a bit of a "miss" when presented with a compliment (maybe "freeze in silence on receipt of compliment" should be part of Autism assessment criteria?).

That said, I have tried to adopt and deploy a technique honed through experince from working with teams from a variety of different cultures (particularly, if perhaps there are slightly different cross-community gender role norms which we are navigating too). 

In such situations, on receipt of a compliment, I have learned that I am able to use: a small smile with a very formal nod (eye contact optional, and no speech required) - and then most people either giving the compliment or others observing the interaction from further away do seem satisfied that the appropriate transaction is complete.  (Face-saving maintained all around, minimal embarrassment for all concerned, plus courtesy or rapport established / extended - I am happy to call that a "win" for everyone).

I was suspicious of complements as a child right on up through college. They brought the focus on me and I felt vulnerable to attack for the attention from others who did not get one. They left me feeling like I would be made to live up to the complement: a threat to me independence. Also, being a female born to the culture of the 1950s a complement from a male and about my attributes spelt danger and would make me fearful. Also, growing up with narcissists, I was suspicious of complements for the abuse they were intended to soften me up for. I've moved away from toxic relations to healthier ones, now. A few years of earnest therapy does wonders.

Now I have found a way to rethink it all so it feels good now. It's a gift. plain and simple. I detach it from the giver and make it mine. No strings attached. Even if it's unwanted or even if it's criticism couched in a complement, I say "oh thanks."  some folks are sincerely trying to show appreciation and offer positive thoughts, feeling good about me and mine. Some are not. Even if can't tell the difference I still thank them and, if needs be, reinterpret it to mean something positive. I feel oh I got a little gift., lovely, "thanks!"

Inappropriate "complements" are another thing. Those I simply refuse to have even heard. 

I do the same…. I just go quiet and pretend it wasn’t said to me. 

What IP said, there are a few things I feel OK about being complimented for, but they're all things that I feel I do very well, such as cooking or for some academic work. When someone complement me my first thoughts are 'why?' and 'what do you want?' I fel like people must be having some sort of NT joke at my expense, it's caused all sorts of arguments over the years.

I also feel uncomfortable with compliments, for two inter-related reasons. I invariably think they are factually inaccurate, as I am conscious of all the shortcomings that they have yet to spot, but then also feel paralysed by the pressure to live up to their unrealistic expectations of me, which I know that I will fail to do. Hence the compliment is really the first step in me disappointing others, leading to what little self-confidence I have being diminished further, which seems a counterintuitive response to what should be a positive thing, but is yet another way that my brain attempts to destroy me.

Don't worry Amerantin, I have your back and will avoid saying anything nice about you 

I have always struggled with compliments which I now think is part of my black and white thinking - it never made any sense to me that I could get constantly criticised by people (basically for my lack of intuition) in any social situation and then be complimented by those same people. I think I dislike general compliments the most and am much better if it is much narrower and more specific so it makes sense. Otherwise it just feels untrue and made up.

I thought I’m the only one… I hate compliments and I say it honestly (if it’s my family member) because I don’t believe they are true and I hate lies. But once I found myself in a highly uncomfortable situation, when my supervisor complimented me a lot and offered a promotion which I on one hand wanted, on another hand I knew I would fail as a manager. Anyway this whole situation and the compliments were too much for me and I started crying and my reaction was so inadequate that she got confused and dropped the topic. She probably came to conclusion that there is something wrong with me. 

I'm like "you don't really know me enough to say I'm a good person with good qualities" or whatever. But that's just where I am right now with a heightened sensitivity to everything. 

I've never been able to accept compliments not even from my own family. I have no self esteem and am extremely insecure, likely from the child abuse and bullying I endured for years.

It's very much a case of when someone gives me a component my brain automatically dismisses it like I'd love to believe that but we aren't deserving of such praise... So on your bike.
I don't think that at the time lol but I imagine if my brain is talking that's what she's saying when someone compliments me which isn't often.

HMO said:

hard for me to not want to go "thanks but I don't believe you".

This is where my head is too

I am actually very uncomfortable with compliments

Me too, which is not to say that I don’t want people to give them!

I think my default reaction is “this nice thing they’re saying about me isn’t true, so are they just trying to be nice to me or are they up to something?”

And while I’m processing all that I just stand there lost for words.

It depends. If I know the person fairly well and I can believe that they're saying it because they mean it and they want me to do well, then there's more chance that I'll take it, and say thank you.

If I'm hurting (for whatever reason) and someone tries to lift my spirits, then it's hard for me to not want to go "thanks but I don't believe you".

The saying thank you thing is only something I've made a habit of doing since last year. 

They're really good resources in general.

Thanks this is really useful!

For me sometimes I don't know if people are having me on or not. 

But what can be embarrassing is if I don't hear it thr first time. It's happened several times where I've gone "pardon what did you say?"  and then it looks like I'm fishing!!

I generally accept now whether theyre sincere or not. If we can recognise when someone is being nice it can give us a lift. If they don't mean it that's not a problem. 

I think I do share this actually.

I hadn't really realised it but I tend to say nothing when I receive a compliment.

Whether it's 'common for autistic people', I don't know.

When I was young I would be complimented on my looks and my immediate response would be intense embarrassment, followed by a desire to hide.

Not a normal or usual response I think.

I am actually very uncomfortable with compliments.

Well, I have thought on this, and now wonder, is it related to finding it difficult to react to the unexpected in the moment? Insufficient time to process unanticipated information.

I have often been lost for words in situations I wasn't anticipating - although of course, later, having analyzed the situation to death, I can think of many suitable responses! 

A few years ago I read these self help books and found them really helpful

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

There's a module here about accepting compliments!