Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, he was waiting for an assessment to find out if he is autistic when we first met, he was assessed and they said he had autism. It's not something I really notice in him, as in he doesn't have many traits that I notice? My cousin and uncle both are autistic and I've also worked with people with autism as a therapist so I have interacted with people who are autistic and think I understand a bit about it but my boyfriend seems to be less obvious? If that makes sense, I wouldn't have known if I just met him and he never told me.
The issue is, I don't always know if the way he acts is related to his autism or if it's just a general maturity issue, I personally could not tell that he has autism, he does say that he has masked a lot so maybe I'm unable to tell? The main issue we have is when he gets very emotionally heightened over what I would perceive as a small issue, sometimes it blows up and he can shout or gets very upset, I do my best to try and understand his frustration but at times it is frustrating for me because I feel he's being petty or immature over something which could have been easily solved or avoided, I myself am a very analytical person, I have OCD (it's manageable and I've been in long-term treatment), so I know at times I can probably be very annoying when I want things to be ordered or very specific whereas he is very laid back about most things but gets very anal about a few things such as his car, clothes and his glasses.
To give an example, he got fitted for new glasses and went to collect them a few days ago, he didn't like the way they felt when he put them on as his eyes had not adjusted yet, I explained that happened with my old ones and they would feel better after he wore them for a few hours, he got annoyed and said this hadn't happened with his old glasses in the past, I said if they didn't feel better by in a few days maybe we could take them back and explain, this didn't seem to calm him down much, he started going on about what a waste of money it was, and how he was stupid, and he would rather just break them, he was raising his voice and stomping about, and I was a bit on edge but also tired and frustrated with him at this point I got kind of frustrated and called him childish which just made things worse, I was exhausted from caring for a poorly family member and was low on emotional energy and yes I probably should not have called him childish but in the moment that's how it felt. He ended up in a bad mood and went to work.
I feel like a bad person as if I forgot his autism and that I don't care enough, I feel like I should just "get him" but I can't always understand him and because he doesn't always communicate things this can make it even harder to understand his reasoning or what he's actually feeling.
He has been saying recently he's been feeling down and I think he has some issues with self-esteem that he was working on in therapy, I just don't know how to help him, and sometimes I wonder are his reactions related to how he experiences the world or is it just a general anger or maturity issue? Does he find things that I think are not that stressful as a larger deal? Sometimes with bigger problems like his health he is completely not affected, and brushes it off but smaller inconveniences really set him off. I struggle when he gets angry due to my past with trauma, I want to be supportive and understand him better but I find myself judging him at times and I feel awful about this, as someone who has worked as a support worker and a therapist I am usually very patient and understanding but with my boyfriend I can feel myself getting frustrated with his behaviour at times, especially when it tends to the more immature side.
Has anyone got any advice in how I can be a better partner to him, I want to be more supportive and less reactive, he's 30 and I am 34 so I feel we're mature enough to sort things out I hope.
NAS92668 said:at times it is frustrating for me because I feel he's being petty or immature over something which could have been easily solved or avoided
This is quite a common issue with autists down to our commonly poor ability to connect to or regulate emotions. Add to that our sometimes obsessive interest in things or strong dislike for things and it can seem like we blow things out of all proportions sometimes.
Other times we can seem emotionally dead.
It took me years of working at it with a therapist to get a good handle on my emotions and that was after 50 years of surviving undiagnosed, so I understand what you are getting at.
If he sees a therapist then ask him to raise the subject with the therapist and get them to listen to what is said. Try to explain beforehand what your experience is on this but do it is a non-emotional way of explaining how you felt. It should help get the point over.
NAS92668 said:To give an example, he got fitted for new glasses and went to collect them a few days ago, he didn't like the way they felt when he put them on as his eyes had not adjusted yet,
sensory issues are often strong for us, expecially when it is so up close and (literally) in your face. Combine that with a dislike of change and I understand why he was struggling here. This is also quite typical for autists and rationalising it will have little effect as the impact can be quite intense.
NAS92668 said:I feel like a bad person as if I forgot his autism and that I don't care enough
Don't consider yourself a bad person. Most autists truggle with personal relationships due to the types of issue you describe. You may need to learn when to just leave an issue alone or walk away from it for a while rather than expect him to become "normal". Autism is a permanent fixture for him and if you see a long term relationship then this is likely to be a part you have to accept.
You have to consider your own mental health and if it feels like you are having to always be a combination between his mum, a nurse and a teacher then that will take its own toll on you.
If you cannot take this then walking away will be the kindest thing for you both. I hope this is not the case though.