Autistic boyfriend, issues with regulating emotions.

The world is changing and not for the better. It all adds up. There's a few complexities here. One is knowing the self and how I'm impacted. The second is how I impact others. The third is recognising what's healthy in a relationship and having good boundaries. The fourth might be appropriating time to let it all out. I love my ADHD friends cause I can go off and they get it, forget it and we move onto the next billion topics. Their brains work at my pace.

Autistics mature slower for very specific reasons. Often we can be about 10 years behind our peers in many expected ways and then "wise" beyond our years in others. We grow very different. The main reason is a loss in translation: we aren't taught in ways which we learn. But we can be far more open to reason through a problem and 'fearless' about working things out because we might not think of troubleshooting an issue as something that reflects on us. It's external.

But, we also need to learn how to better deal with an onslaught of sensory assault, which is Very Real. Take responsibility to protect ourselves and ask for help. Always have an exit strategy. Help others understand if we cannot process situations internally. I don't have an internal monologue - I might process by talking about it out loud and fix it. But also, we can afford dignity and room for others to leave if they're overwhelmed because we're overwhelmed. My son recently told me I was complaining a LOT and I apologised. We discussed it which helped everyone understand. I'm 50. At 30 I was barely coming into my own. But I'm also female and not given the same room to have external faults like males.

I have never had a problem getting glasses either until recently. But even if I pull up evidence that the human eye cannot see with proper clarity in the absence of infrared light, which is heat-based, no one believes me except for a couple other autistics who also start researching the info and they're not in charge of the medical board. All the new lighting is LED - there's an absence of natural filament heat-based light, so chances are a great deal of the human population will be getting the wrong prescription. I've spoken with others who apparently just 'live with it'. This is because most non-autistic individuals can dull their senses or, desensitise. This isn't always good, as one might not notice the building impact until it's too late. The autistic, however, is more likely to notice a sensory impact immediately. There's a bio-chemical difference which creates less of an ability to dull the senses. It's one thing that makes us autistic. This was advantageous in a tribe, in an early formation of civilisation. It still has potential, but we live in a world overrun by humans who use language / social-linguistics different than us and in such a way that non-autistics can be susceptible to a type of hypnosis and will desensitise for the 'sake of togetherness'. Too few demand accountability for the overhaul of lighting, research into how the eye uses light to see stopped (for the most part) in the 70s, and how Autistics use language to communicate is often heard and seen as "odd" - it's often so different we're treated as though we're lying or invisible even if we try to present a thing with humility. This adds up.

Now, when I tried my glasses on several months back, I had a headache almost immediately. It wasn't just startling, it was an incredible inconvenience. It's incredibly dangerous - I couldn't see properly. I've needed glasses since I was 9, this has never happened. It's also: ONE more interruption into a flow -and it took me 3 months to get back to the eye doctor because life is overwhelming, I work non-stop and have trouble with scheduling, have to cook all my own food (gut-health issues). To take a few hours out of the day and go back halts a whole day if not a few days of work-flow. This is expensive and it's one more overwhelming incompetence which adds to a daily frustration. But I try to curtail what I allow my son to see. I'm an adult :) I can be a bit more responsible in the presence of others. 

But I also need a cooling down period. I can't anticipate the overwhelming amount of chaos, but I can also learn to exit and go for a walk in the park. While what I feel is a great deal more intense than what you will feel, the appropriate response would be to punch through a wall, but I don't. And I've had to learn to live with never feeling safe, never having a comfort zone, AND learn self-discipline. So I'm hyper vigilant. It's not OCD, I simply take matters into my own hands to be overly responsible because I don't desensitise the same. A way to explain what this is like is how a non-autistic will describe micro-dosing on psilocybin. 

Perhaps no one has ever said anything to your boyfriend. I have to say, though, sometimes it's better when my ADHD friends get just as scream-y and intense along with me. It helps me move on to feel heard and understood.  

NAS92668 said:

at times it is frustrating for me because I feel he's being petty or immature over something which could have been easily solved or avoided

This is quite a common issue with autists down to our commonly poor ability to connect to or regulate emotions. Add to that our sometimes obsessive interest in things or strong dislike for things and it can seem like we blow things out of all proportions sometimes.

Other times we can seem emotionally dead.

It took me years of working at it with a therapist to get a good handle on my emotions and that was after 50 years of surviving undiagnosed, so I understand what you are getting at.

If he sees a therapist then ask him to raise the subject with the therapist and get them to listen to what is said. Try to explain beforehand what your experience is on this but do it is a non-emotional way of explaining how you felt. It should help get the point over.

NAS92668 said:

To give an example, he got fitted for new glasses and went to collect them a few days ago, he didn't like the way they felt when he put them on as his eyes had not adjusted yet,

sensory issues are often strong for us, expecially when it is so up close and (literally) in your face. Combine that with a dislike of change and I understand why he was struggling here. This is also quite typical for autists and rationalising it will have little effect as the impact can be quite intense.

NAS92668 said:

I feel like a bad person as if I forgot his autism and that I don't care enough

Don't consider yourself a bad person. Most autists truggle with personal relationships due to the types of issue you describe. You may need to learn when to just leave an issue alone or walk away from it for a while rather than expect him to become "normal". Autism is a permanent fixture for him and if you see a long term relationship then this is likely to be a part you have to accept.

You have to consider your own mental health and if it feels like you are having to always be a combination between his mum, a nurse and a teacher then that will take its own toll on you.

If you cannot take this then walking away will be the kindest thing for you both. I hope this is not the case though.