Published on 12, July, 2020
I am part of a group of 4 heterosexual couples and today I discovered the other 3 men, I have known for about 10 years, went to watch the Rugby in France this weekend. It was never mentioned to me, and it has triggered so many childhood traumas of being excluded by those you are supposed to be close to.
I don't really know hope to cope with this, all the feelings of failure have hit me hard, and I am in my 60s. I just feel so broken tonight and want to shut myself away from the world. I want to end my relationship with my partner to avoid ever seeing these people again. Am I being irrational?
I'd be tempted to bring it up next time you all get together.Something along the lines of "Did you guys enjoy the rugby? I'm not sure why you didn't ask me if I'd be interested in coming along".
No point beating around the bush in this situation. What's to say that similar will happen next time? Make it a part of the discussion so that you can find out what happened and then make an informed decision as to whether you (and your partner) want to remain in the circle of "friends".Maybe they had a valid reason for not inviting you (or even telling you about it), but you'll probably never know if you allow the matter to be brushed under the carpet.
GPK26 said:I'd be tempted to bring it up next time you all get together.Something along the lines of "Did you guys enjoy the rugby? I'm not sure why you didn't ask me if I'd be interested in coming along".
That is a bit confrontational and probably will lead to further distancing from the group for the person asking it and (more importantly) his partner.
My approach would be to say "How did you find the rugby in France? I wish I could have been there with you guys".
This creates a conversation opened for them to talk about the rugby and an opportunity for the friends to say why they didn't invite him. There could be any number of reasonable reasons:
Or it could be the classic issue where the person is seem as a bit socially awkward compared the the neurotypical mates and they just have more fun without him. It does not have to mean they don't enjoy his company, just that for some things they prefer the dynamic without them present.
Think on it like if you had a 14 year old in your social group at some gatherings because they had no other group to join at the event. The conversation and humour would probably be understood on the whole but there would be times when it would be more fun without them present.
Does that mean the other person is not a valued part of the group? No, but the group can have a different dynamic with them absent. Note that I am not saying the person is like a 14 year old, it is just an analogy.
Should that person feel offended? For me they should try to understand the dynamic in place and if they really are different to the others (by being neurodivergent) then accept the group dynamics in play when they are together and if the others have a different dynamic when they are without them then feel happy for them,
Social groups are normally about like minded people enjoying each others company, and frankly the mind of a neurodivergent person is typically quite different to a neurotypical so it is not unsurprising that for events that involve a lot of time together that the neurotypicals prefer their own.
I would say enjoy what dynamic you have, accept that there is probably an unconcious bias and don't judge them too harshly for just being human.
With time I hope the divide becomes less, but it will probably always exist.
Thanks GPK26, but I will not be able to bring it up as that will cause a schism with my partner and her female friends, who are the core of the group.I did look at their socials and found a few other events I have clearly been excluded from. It seems I am only included when my partner is. That is a very uncomfortable feeling.