Feeling let down

Yep you are being "irrational", but no one should blame you. 

"Friends" is a fictional & scripted T.V. series, real frinedships as your post indicates adn my life experiences tells me are more limited in their abilty to stand each otehrs company all the time and in all situations.

Certainly NONE of my own friendships have ever been with people who perfectly accept all of me.

Autism is a social disabilty too, by some standards here it would appear that you are a very lucky man about to discard his luck on a whim!

May I cautiously suggest that deleting your friends and partner who youve been happy (-Ish, no Autist is ever really happy for long!) is cutting your nose off to spite your face? 

Of all the replies I've read, Iains looks the most "viable".

BUT, opening this "can of worms" will possibly (not definitely) reveal the truth that your partners friends like your partner way more than they like you, which is by no means unusual or restricted to Autistic people. 

I personally manage this quandary by mainly attending social events where I KNOW I make a decent contribution, (or at least enjoy myself).

As I have got older I have got less tolerant of other peoples crap, again perfectly normal, and the reason why older people have less friends than young people. 

Friendships are WAY more fragile than people crack on, and keeping them going for decade up on decade is very difficult indeed. I LIKE my friendships and enjoy them, but it's a bit like gardening, a skill that for a few people comes naturally, but the rest of us need to read a few books and talk to other gardeners and work at it!. But just because your "rugby trip plants" failed to sprout, is probably not a good reason to bulldose the whole garden...  

GPK26 said:

I'd be tempted to bring it up next time you all get together.
Something along the lines of "Did you guys enjoy the rugby? I'm not sure why you didn't ask me if I'd be interested in coming along".

That is a bit confrontational and probably will lead to further distancing from the group for the person asking it and (more importantly) his partner.

My approach would be to say "How did you find the rugby in France? I wish I could have been there with you guys".

This creates a conversation opened for them to talk about the rugby and an opportunity for the friends to say why they didn't invite him. There could be any number of reasonable reasons:

• the person doesn't like crowds
• the person says they don't like travel

Or it could be the classic issue where the person is seem as a bit socially awkward compared the the neurotypical mates and they just have more fun without him. It does not have to mean they don't enjoy his company, just that for some things they prefer the dynamic without them present.

Think on it like if you had a 14 year old in your social group at some gatherings because they had no other group to join at the event. The conversation and humour would probably be understood on the whole but there would be times when it would be more fun without them present.

Does that mean the other person is not a valued part of the group? No, but the group can have a different dynamic with them absent. Note that I am not saying the person is like a 14 year old, it is just an analogy.

Should that person feel offended? For me they should try to understand the dynamic in place and if they really are different to the others (by being neurodivergent) then accept the group dynamics in play when they are together and if the others have a different dynamic when they are without them then feel happy for them,

Social groups are normally about like minded people enjoying each others company, and frankly the mind of a neurodivergent person is typically quite different to a neurotypical so it is not unsurprising that for events that involve a lot of time together that the neurotypicals prefer their own.

I would say enjoy what dynamic you have, accept that there is probably an unconcious bias and don't judge them too harshly for just being human.

With time I hope the divide becomes less, but it will probably always exist.

Perfectly normal to feel like you do , it's not good behaviour from them and I would be feeling exactly the same.

One issue I'd have is knowing how to respond to it and  given my history of over reacting and causing carnage, I tend to wait now till I feel calm enough to think it through.

If you react immediately, which is what you may feel absolutely driven to do, you may regret it. It seems like this is quite a common response for us autistic types!

I'm also sure that your partner will stand by you on this, try not to see her as part of the "group" in this situation, those ten years you have together mean a lot. She's probably equally as upset.

Hope this helps in some way and I hope you feel better soon and find a way to sort it out.

Thaks, but it is impossible to leave this group without leaving my partner as that is how I know them.

I am always supportive of us attending events my partner doesn't want to as a way to show support - that will certainly stop.

Thanks GPK26, but I will not be able to bring it up as that will cause a schism with my partner and her female friends, who are the core of the group.

I did look at their socials and found a few other events I have clearly been excluded from.  It seems I am only included when my partner is.  That is a very uncomfortable feeling.

Hi,I've not been diagnosed but all this im reading feels like home to me. I think you should stick with your relationship with your partner as she's not hurt you,they have. If it would help you i think you should somehow,casually find out why you were excluded and then leave the group as this will happen again and hurt more next time.

I'd be tempted to bring it up next time you all get together.
Something along the lines of "Did you guys enjoy the rugby? I'm not sure why you didn't ask me if I'd be interested in coming along".

No point beating around the bush in this situation. What's to say that similar will happen next time? Make it a part of the discussion so that you can find out what happened and then make an informed decision as to whether you (and your partner) want to remain in the circle of "friends".
Maybe they had a valid reason for not inviting you (or even telling you about it), but you'll probably never know if you allow the matter to be brushed under the carpet.

I nearly had a meltdown last night - I think I am still very close to one. 

Hi Sparkly, I have spoken to my partner and she is upset about it also - for me and for herself being excluded by her female frinds who would have known of the plan.  If certainly feels like a conspiracy of silence and exclusion.

I am sure we will both feel uncomfortable at the next planned event, where everyone attends.

I can understand you feeling hurt and upset at not being asked by those men if you would like to accompany them to watch the rugby.

You mentioned that you have known the men for approximately 10 years. Is this the first time that they have made plans to do something together and not invited you?

From my perspective, unless you're deeply unhappy with the relationship you have with your partner, ending that relationship as a means of avoiding those men strikes me as a tad unnecessary.

Out of interest, have you spoken with your partner about how upset you felt at not being invited?

I found myself in a similar situation to you many, many years ago, so in some respects I feel I can relate to the emotions you felt.

My reaction would be the same as yours, I would want to hide and never speak to them again, I know that asking them why they excluded you is the right thing to do, but I'm not sure I could do it without a melt down.

Definitely ok to feel hurt and let down. It’s one thing to be asked and say no, but to be excluded from the start is not nice. I don’t know what the answer is, but just wanted to offer my opinion that it’s ok to feel how you’re feeling. 

Thanks HMO, It is nice to have somoene say I am not bieng irrational and that I am allowed to feel hurt be their actions.

I am sure the rawness will end, but I can't see any way for my relationship to survive this. I wouldn't expect or ask her to give up her friends, I don't want to make a fuss to them, as that will then feel like I am being patronised.

It is all those old childhood feelings and the need to remove myself from others as the way to end the problem. I wouldn't have minded if one or 2 of them had gone, but all 3 and not a single mention. Not only no mention to me, but also their partners said nothing to my partner. It feels like a conspiracy of silence. We are all supposed to be going camping later this year and there is no way I am going to that or any other social events - I am done with them.

I don't think you're being irrational. You're hurting, it's understandable.

I just think you need a bit of time to process it. I know addressing how you're feeling might be difficult but I think the people you want in your life would understand.