Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m sure nobody likes conflict but I feel that as an autistic person it’s something I handle particularly badly. I get into a panicky state and I am quick to apologise, even over-apologise, whether I am in the wrong or not. I become overwhelmed with guilt and self-hate. The last conflict I led me to experiencing signs of (passive) suicide ideation as I felt so bad about myself. I won’t call out the other person’s behaviour as I just want to “fix” the situation as quickly as possible. Instead I roll over for them and allow them to walk all over me. I really hate that I’m like this, it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.
Oh I am terrible with conflict. The problem I have is that in a situation where I'm expected to have an immediate response to something in the moment, I'm terrible with it.
It's worse when other autistic people don't understand that I need time to process things, and instead expect me to respond like a neurotypical person. That particular example was, for a number of reasons, the worst thing that ever happened to me.
So yeah, you're not alone.
Yeah, knowing what to say or how to react in the moment is difficult for me too. I’m glad someone understands.
If there's a bit of grace from someone to give you a bit of space, then it'd help. If not, it's ideal if you had someone there to basically stick up for you.
I have barely had that and it leaves you feeling like everyone hates you.