Published on 12, July, 2020
I've never really understood it. If that's how people feel about themselves, fair play. But to me, it feels dismissive.
Yes, the event will have made me think, reflect and learn. But it didn't make me stronger, resilient, or "build character".
I feel shame all the time. I have trust issues, I'm afraid of showing my face, I think everyone hates me etc.
It's something I spoke to my therapist about today and it got me thinking.
"Stronger" and "Resilient" are favourable words, but they're not the only way of looking at it. Just the more optimistic. Another way of looking at it is that you'll be more Cautious and Numb to it. That which doesn't kill me can only make me desensitized. Doesn't quite hit the same morale mark.
What builds character is having your worldview challenged or disrupted, and adjusting to whatever outcome the influences brought. For better or for worse. But thorough introspection will often lead to the better, if you keep yourself from being bitter about it.
I'm coming to terms with the idea that not every problem can be resolved by talking it out with the involved persons, myself. Sometimes you really do have to learn to let things lie. Which is frustrating because I'm keyed to want every aspect of an issue thoroughly examined.
It takes a lot of energy to hate someone. You have to let them occupy your thoughts in a way most people would prefer not to, or don't have the time for. It's easy for people like us to do, because we dwell. But we also overthink things way more than most other people do. I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to talk out a problem with someone, only to find out that person never had an issue and was simply busy with another aspect of their life.
For me, trust isn't a matter of being sure that another person has your best interests at heart. Those people, while well intentioned, can only at best attempt to understand what it's like for us, and sometimes their attempts to make a difference can be less helpful than they wished. Trust is easier to find when you know what the other person wants. Then their intentions will become more clear and you should hopefully at least feel assured of what it is they hope for when they interact with you.
Trust in their idiosyncracies. Their behavioural fingerprints. We often have to take a colder approach to relationships, not because we're cold people, but because mechanical understanding works better for us than intuitive understanding.
And don't make the mistake I did with my therapists. I couldn't answer their questions, so I tried to tell them what I thought I was supposed to say. Masking on your therapists is only going to make things harder.