Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm the child of an autistic parent (Dad) he is a really good parent, but being his child has posed a lot of challenges.
Here's two examples:
My family and I were spending time together and playing the game cards against humanity. So I pulled a card that said 'I am covered in *blank*' my dad didn't understand the premise of the game and thought it just was stating a fact about a person. His response was "Oh, you're covered in pimples!" I have struggled with acne most of my teenage life, and I am deeply insecure about it. I tried to play it off, but I ended up sobbing about it later.
Another time my dad commented on my weight. Some context, I have a gluten allergy, and when I eat it my face gets puffy and my stomach gets very bloated. I had accidentally eaten gluten and when my dad saw me he says, " I don't understand what happened to you, last week you were skinny and beautiful but this week you aren't. I don't get it how did you gain so much weight so quickly?" Here's the thing, I actually hadn't gained weight, my body was just inflamed from an allergic reaction. I already felt terrible about how I looked, and then this comment just made me feel even worse.
These kind of comments have really effected me over the years. There have been points where I talk to him about it and he has apologized for hurting my feelings, but they still happen. I have told him certain subjects are off limits. My weight is not to be discussed especially because I struggle with an eating disorder. I told him that and he understood. There just are still comments made about me that I don't think he understands that though factual are incredibly hurtful. What advice do you have for me?
thank you it's my pleasure to help.
Your dad wants you to be happy and to flourish and he wants to help.
You could say to him 'dad, I'm impressed when you discover and point things out about me'
This might get him thinking about you more often and in a more positive way. As an autistic parent he is a narcissistic infant like me and will latch onto any and every means of obtaining validation (sometimes known as narcissistic supply).
If you praise him for his insight he will think about you even more and become more loving and connected to you. You might create an upward spiral of positivity.
You would be in effect parenting him and alleviating part of his autism which you might reasonably think is a bit much to ask.
Thank you, I really appreciate hearing the perspective of the parent!
Thank you! Your experience and mine are very similar, and I think our dad's are very alike as well. He never is mean spirited, he just doesn't understand the emotional impact that his words have. Thank you for your help!
This is my father 100%. But he always apologises. It has taken him years to adjust, but seeing him make genuine attempts to be conscious about how a thing has an affect on the other is what matters. He relents. A psychologist would say, what matters is not that we're unintentionally hurtful but the time it takes to Reconcile.
Now my other parent is often intentional in hurtfulness won't apologise. They'll change the conversation to be about them them, in this instance, Resentment has built up over time to the point where I finally laid down boundaries in response to their expectations and was Ghosted.
These two aren't together. And I'll take a messy, but humble parent any day. He's older now, and we are very similar in personality, so he feels I'm the only one he can yell at without a filter. My brother had it out with him at one family gathering, but I know he doesn't actually believe what he's saying. It's taken a really loooooong time for him to make changes. But since I have years of experience knowing he's willing to try, I know I can trust he cares. We're still working at it. He's just not been expected to behave in ways I've been expected to as he's been a highly sought after physicist and engineer his whole life. Life hasn't been the same for me. But I've also used both my parents as a lesson learned. They can fail where I will succeed. They are both Anti-Heroes in different ways.
One way to help a father recognise that appearance in our society is inherently tied to our self esteem, is to build an argument / a case around how Worth and Value are continually being assessed in a competitive social structure, where losers end up homeless: a serious matter is tied to appearance. Not just a feeling or emotion on the matter, there are REAL consequences.
A second part of this case can involve a little Self-discipline on his part. To mature and become a proper grown up, one must try to first ask how I will impact the other (when I care for them) and if perhaps I should hold my tongue and not "speak the obvious". Now, if what he intends is an External Processing as the first part of an evaluation which leads up to a Desire to Help, than perhaps he can discipline his response to take a "Pause of the the Cause" not process it out loud, and skip to the part where he simply says "what can I do to help". It can be difficult for us to process internally. I don't have a natural internal dialogue or monologue. I only see in pictures and hear music constantly... And this may be something to thoughtfully inquire with him about.
I don't know I think there is a certain value in seeing the world as it is. While it may be uncomfortable for you to be reminded about these unplesent aspects of your life ignoring them won't help you make progress. For example supose you had a big facial birthmark. I'm sure 99% of the people you meet day to day would notice it but not comment on it. But it would change how many of them think of you. It would effect the oposite sex wanting to date you. Living in denial of that fact may make you temporeraly happyer but it also denies you the opotunity to do something to change the way people treat you, like use makeup to conseal the birthmark. Should you have to do that? No. but if you care about results you should consider it. But living in the fiction that the issue isn't there you don't even know you might be able to improve things by addressing it.
Hi Charlie,
one of the best skills to learn is to never take anything personally.
This is especially true when dealing with someone on the spectrum. We care about truth more than we care about peoples feelings. Truth is my religion and this often gets me into trouble.
My 15YO autistic daughter recently said to me 'you're weird'. I laughed and said 'I know'. After a pause and without thinking much about how it might make her feel I said 'so why do you think you are weird?'
In my ignorance I thought we might have a sophomoric discussion about the word weird and its wider implications within the family. Of course all it did was upset her and she went and hid in her room for a couple of days.
It depends on the context. I am constantly finding subtle, believable ways to compliment my kids. I am genuinely proud of them. I have become enlightened to the reality and abundance. They can do no wrong in my eyes.
Yet occasionally I slip up
Not all parents are perfect, and there are many things they need to learn along their way of parenthood. For his sake, he needs to learn to keep comments like that to himself, for his actions could have unfathomable consequences down the line and will only have himself to blame.
He was being honest, so now it's time for you to do the same and tell him that what he said was out of order. If he can dish it, he can take it, and at least your words will serve to benefit you both later on down the line
I'm guilty of much the same. If I notice something, I tend to comment on it; but there is no malice behind my comments, no intention to hurt or disparage. I think your best approach is to concentrate on the fact that your father does not intend to hurt you, he is just commenting on a phenomenon he has noticed, just as if he had noticed an unusual bird in a tree.