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What to do if parents aren’t supportive of your needs as a young adult?

Anna
7 months ago

Hi everyone. So I’m wondering if anyone has advice with how to cope with the fact that perhaps my parents just cannot provide me with the support I need to cope with the challenges I face each day. 

I have tried many times throughout childhood and now as a young adult to ask for support. When my parents realize how bad it gets then they may do the things that I ask them to do because they say to me they want to help. But then shortly after they stop. I feel selfish asking for them to do small things like check with me to make sure I don’t do too much everyday as I have a tendency to overdo things and then get burnt out, but I need some help with certain things. And if they offer to help but then don’t follow through I feel really rubbish and that they don’t care about me. This has always been like this. Also, my emotions are often invalidated - I’m told to stop worrying or it’s not so bad etc etc. And everyone in my family only is happy when I am ‘happy’, when nothing is going wrong, when I’m not having meltdowns etc etc. 

I'm on here to try and build a bigger support system and find people who do get it. But until I find more people, processing the idea that my parents might never be able to help me and feeling that I might be alone forever makes me super scared. Anyone else, or just me? 

  • 7 months ago in reply to dad1967

    Thank you so much. You have made me weep with relief to know 3 AS children will have a chance to live their most authentic selves from childhood on.

  • 7 months ago

    Hello again Anna,

    Everything you say hits the nail on the head regarding autism and adhd.

    Your parents are acting out narcissism driven by delusions of scarcity.

    Instructing you not to worry and to be normal and recruiting other family members to join in the shaming of you for letting them down is not ok.  

    There is nothing wrong with you or your genes and you are reacting normally to a malignant environment.

    I have 5 children and 3 of them are diagnosed with autism. I have had an epiphany and fully accept the part I haver played in their generalized anxiety issues. These days I tell them as often as I can that my life is now dedicated to making amends. I am here for them not the other way around. I make no demands of any of my children. All I do is try to figure out how I can best serve them and make them feel safe. I do not make promises that I cannot keep. I do not appease them with lies. I actively show them that I love everything about them.

    All my children are becoming calmer and more productive. I have noticed on here that other parents don't like this message. One lady basically said she cannot afford to deal with her daughter. This attitude is abandonment and abandonment trauma is the route cause of the developmental differences that underpin autism.

    Parents need to have more faith in themselves and their children. It is not your problem

  • 7 months ago

           It may be the case they never will. Think of computer operating systems. NT, and ND and within each are other variables. Interfacing 2 different operating systems is tricky and glitchy and sometimes very frustrating and unpredictable. NO ones fault.

          Yet it doesn't have to be the end of your relation with them. If you are an adult, as you say, you can reach out for more affirming situations, voices friends etc.

         Often, parents, IMHO, know the child they would like that child to be and not the actual individual.Once they see an individual standing there in front of them and not a child, things can get better. Being a young adult is just that: an adult, an individual. You can own this!

          You are mos def NOT alone, either. stick around, join in and see if its a fit here.

  • 7 months ago

    Hello @Anna 

    Thank you for sharing this with the community. I'm sorry to hear that you can feel unsupported and alone, but I hope you are able to connect with people in the NAS community and feel supported here. You may find is useful to have a look at our pages on Autistic fatigue and burn-out to help to manage these symptoms: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

    If you feel that you may need some support with you rmental health, you may like to look at the following page on ways to seek support: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/seeking-help

    I hope this helps,

    ChloeMod