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Sexual desire and Aspergers - Pon Farr?

MichaelaS

I wonder if anyone else experiences what I seem to, and whether this is common for ASD people and especially Aspir women...

I seem to go months or years when I have little or no sexual desire at all. Then suddenly I have a few months where I am very interested. my poor husband finds it very confusing but it's how I've always been since puberty.  I can best explain it as being like the vulcans Pon Farr except of course I dont die if I can't mate! It is often tied to physical reproductive fitness, ie when I stopped *** feeding my son the next month I had one of my "on" phases. Also it is often tied in to mental fantasy, not sexual ones but perhaps a new film out from a favourite actor, or seeing a new sic if show, and it all gets caught up in my mind.

sometimes I think it's my cerebellum rebelling and dosing me up on hormones to make sure I don't live in my head the whole time.

i realise this is something a bit delicate to talk about, but wondered if it is something others experience too, or just peculiar to me?

  • In Star Trek there is this thing called Pon Farr, which is experienced by Vulcans.  It's a cycle of about every 7 years.  Because they're in control of their emotions they don't feel like mating, but during this short period of time at the end of every 7 years they feel like mating and all they want to do it have sex with their partner.  Then afterwards they don't want to do it for another 7 years.

  • I've had similar problems, maybe not too similar, but sex is not always on my agenda.  I was with my ex for 7 years and we probably had sex about 6 times in that whole time.  I reallydidn' enjoy it with him, I realy didn't see the point.  I was happier learning about the periodic table! In the past I've not really had an emotional attachment with sex, which can be a problem with women on the autistic spectrum.  It was just somethin else the body did, like eating or walking, and just used it to my advantage.  Guys do find me different because if I don't feel something, I say so, and my facial expression never changes.  I very rarely express emotion anyway so I think it makes the guys feel awkward beause before women may act and do all sorts of faces and expressions and then theres me, making the guys feel like they're not doing a very good job.

    I've never seen the point in sex, or, actually I've never understood the giant hype about it.  I would've happily gone ages without it in favour of more constructive fun things to do.  There would be times that my curiosity peaked and I did want to do it, but like you said it doesn't appear as regularly as some people may like it to.  It's different with my current partner because I feel very relaxed aroun him, which I've not really experienced with someone before.  He understands my issues and doesn't make me do anything I don't want to.  He will suggest something and if I don't want to do it then we can come to a comprimise.  He has helped me see that it is something that can stengthen a bond between two people, but to me I'd be very happy with him even if we never did it again because sex is not why I fell in love with him. And I'm sure it's not the reasons you too got together either.  I mean that in a nice way, I just didn't know how to word that.  

    But, these things aren't always limited to relationships with people on the autism spectrum.  Sex is always a topic of conversation in relationships.  As long as you both communicate the best you can about it then you will know where you both stand.  Hopefully.

  • For some authority on this see if you can get hold of Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" (JKP 2006). Page 308-9 discusses this issue, in a broader chapter on long term relationships, p304-315.

    "The desire for sexual activities and sexual intimacy can be excessive, almost compulsive. However, the partner of a man or woman with Asperger's Syndrome is more likely to be concerned about the lack of sexual desire rather than an excess. The partner with Asperger's Syndrome may become asexual once he or she has children or once the couple have formally committed themselves to the relationship."

    The whole area however lacks any detailed exploration. Given it must prove very significant to many couples, you'd think the demand for helpful research would outweigh coyness or sensitivity. But usually the only thing that gets discussed is inappropriate behaviours, something that gets blown out of all proportion with the number of occurrences.

    There is also the issue of delayed puberty the consequences of which may reverberate through later life. Some people have long periods of asexuality,  there is also a higher incidence of sexual identity confusion, homosexuality, and ambiguous sex drives.

    With all that going on, where's the book on it?  Oh we can't talk about that..... Why not?