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Avoidant Personality?

Jayde.

Hello,

The other day I went to a career support group. I told them about my difficulties communicating with people and how it is making securing a job difficult. Their response was 'that's odd - you're communicating fine with us.' Every time I feel that I have difficulties in social interaction, other people demand 'examples' yet it suddenly becomes hard to give them, or they tell me 'you're fine with me' but either that's because we're talking about a set topic (i.e. getting a job), or I start talking about something I am interested in (i.e. dogs)

When doing the AQ with my mum (I scored 38 independently, 30 with her.) she notices that I score lower (as in less autistic) when I was a child (2 - 11) than what I did as a teen or as an adult.

In childhood 5 - 16, I spent a lot of time in hospital, when I talked with people it was about medical stuff because I had to (actually, I didn't talk, my mum did.) People I talked to sometimes at school would stop talking to me. I know my fear of touch is because of the medical trauma, not an autism sensory thing. However, my mum seems to think my lack of engagement with others is because of this as opposed to something biological. It very well could be, or really, I think both.

Yet, the AvPD diagnosis often talks about a later onset that is linked to trauma.

The onset of my ''autistic traits'' are a hard one, because my preschool teachers noticed that I ''didn't play with others'' which is what I remember, but my mum seems to think I was fine when other people came to play with me at our house. I'm not sure, I thought that it was difficult having another person there - not knowing how to play with them. I can't remember anything specific from that time, I was 2 - 5. I also remember a lot of difficulty socially and sensory wise (particularly auditory and tactile) she didn't seem to notice at school between the ages of 4 - 11.

I hate not being able to express my words properly, then having people undermine me by saying that I express myself fine.

IF my social deficits (unlike differences in autism) are due to AvPD - I'd basically be a social outcast for the rest of my life. A diagnosis of AvPD would be a negative feedback loop. I don't want that. I want to have friends, but I get caught up talking about my interests that I think I make it hard for people. I want friends where we can talk passionatly about our interests and not care how other's percieve our communication style. Yet, I am not sure if my ''interests'' are ''autistic enough'' in intensity.

I'm also just worried that even if I am autistic, the diagnosis person will just give me AvPD like a lot of women are misdiagnosed.

I'm over thinking things again, I hate it. I'm scared.

I know you can't give me a diagnosis, I know my only way forward is to get an assessment. I just needed somewhere to put this and ''get it out of my head''

I'm sorry if I'm being annoying.

As always,

Thank-you

  • You have to tel the NTs all the little details, like: 'I find it hard to talk to people under certain intense stressful situations, like JOB INTERVIEWS, where I know I am being judged' they don't understand our level of anxiety. Also it is their fault too as well because a job interview is full of bullshit and is so ambiguous, we lack theory of mind so we DKWTF they want. You have to tell the NTs this too. We can not play their games!

  • in reply to Caelus

    Hello,

    I know - that is why I wish that a brain scan or a chromosome test would show something. That way, I would know for certain.

    I just want to know what is "wrong" with me and how I can "fix" it.

    I struggle with communicating with others. If I know if I'm autistic or not, or whatever else is going on, then I can work to understand my way of communicating - then try to find common understanding with the other person I'm communicating with.

    That's why I am seeking a diagnosis [of I don't know what] in order to be a better person and better able to exist in the social world - something I am majorly struggling with.

    Also, I like consistency. I need to know what I am doing and when I am doing it. I need rules and my expectations to be clearly communicated to me. When I am given conflicting instructions, or vauge statements like ''use your intuition'' (which then I get told I am wrong - so my intuition is wrong?) I get confused, fustrated, start crying, want to hide and sometimes hit myself because there's something wrong with my brain.

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

    I know many people like being ''different'' and ''unique'' - I just want to be NORMAL.

    At least if I were autistic then I could be normal in an autistic way.

    Otherwise there's just something wrong with me and I want to fix it.

  • in reply to Caelus

    True. My psychiatrist had half my intelligence, that is being generous actually. I felt like I was giving her therapy rather than her giving me. I don't need them cranks anymore, I've figured out how to make money without them.

  • in reply to __Pathfinder__

    That's all very well and I understand how hard it is to have an avoidant personality but you are not really selling going to work. Generally speaking people advance through the ranks in the workplace and gain more money and prestige. As an avoidant person you quite naturally moved around and therefore never gained promotion. As such you are severely disabled and society has wronged you.

  • trouble is alot of disorders all allign and sound the same anyway.... you can look up schizoid and schizotypal and probably think it could be that too as they are pretty much word for word the same as asd and avoidant personality lol

    in the end no one truly knows not even the person giving diagnosis... all they can do at best, all the proffesionals can do is guess with the limited info you give them. and then if they diagnose you they maybe wrong, it maybe one of the others lol

  • I had to Google AVPD but think I have many of the symptoms. I am ok if I am put together with people, like at work when I meet customers or when I meet people with similar interests. When I was a kid my mum took me on play dates etc so interaction was forced, otherwise I would have stayed at home on my own. What I can't do is socalising without that reason for a introduction. I tend to feel nobody is intereste din me, even people I know a little, so I oftern try to avoid them if I see them first. 

    A diagnosis wont really change who you are. I am in my 50's and have just learnt to know my issues, what I struggle with, what I am good at. 

  • in reply to __Pathfinder__

    I only really 'make friends' at a job if the person shares any of my interests. Otherwise, I find them difficult to talk to.

    The only problem is, with my chosen profession working in teaching, I can't avoid social communication. I have to communicate with others as part of the job.

    It's only when I started working that I realise that whilst I am good at teaching and helping children learn, I am bad at communicating beyond that scope.

    The head teacher at my last school expected me to engage in non-academic or wellbeing related conversations. I struggled to engage with this. She didn't like that.

    Needless to say I didn't get the full time job.

    So I'm begining to think that a job in school being a teacher is not for me, even though I like teaching itself.

    That's why I'm going to the job center, to try to look for other jobs and get help on what else I could do that doesn't force me into difficult social conversations.

    OR I could try really hard to change my way of communicating. However, I don't know how to do that. That's why if I get an autistic diagnosis, then perhaps I could learn ways of communicating.

    I have a friend RK whose autistic and she is good (from my perspective) at social interaction and she has a job. Perhaps I could ask how she does it. Though my mum isn't too happy about it when I mirror her behaviour. Yet, if it could help me get a job.

  • Well you could go to the next career support group and sit in a corner rocking back and forth and jusrt not bother communicating.  I've done that in the past.  Once they realise that you are too far gone, they tend to leave you alone.

    If you actually want to get a job and subject yourself to that level of stress and meltdowns, then you need to learn the subtle art of autistic camoflauge, also known as acting like an NT.

    Or that's what i would have said three years ago.

    I like you would like to work, I can't due to really bad health, but would like to.  I have no problems in working and have done it in the past for years, but had all the usual problems with doing it.

    The key is to not care.  If you talk to much, that's you.  If people can't accept it, then that's their problem.  When i worked I went to work to make money, not to advance my social life and that's how I treated it.  i took throwaway jobs on short term contracts and never stayed anywhere too long.  It paid the bills.  I have no interest in a career or staying with a company for a long time.  I like freelancing and generally only having to work with the same people for a short period of time.  If you end up at a place with crappy people then you know that you only have to work for x more days and you will be moving on to a different contract/place.


    FTR, I definitely have an avoidant personality.  But I don't care, it's just part of me.  Take it or leave it. Slight smile