Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
The other day I went to a career support group. I told them about my difficulties communicating with people and how it is making securing a job difficult. Their response was 'that's odd - you're communicating fine with us.' Every time I feel that I have difficulties in social interaction, other people demand 'examples' yet it suddenly becomes hard to give them, or they tell me 'you're fine with me' but either that's because we're talking about a set topic (i.e. getting a job), or I start talking about something I am interested in (i.e. dogs)
When doing the AQ with my mum (I scored 38 independently, 30 with her.) she notices that I score lower (as in less autistic) when I was a child (2 - 11) than what I did as a teen or as an adult.
In childhood 5 - 16, I spent a lot of time in hospital, when I talked with people it was about medical stuff because I had to (actually, I didn't talk, my mum did.) People I talked to sometimes at school would stop talking to me. I know my fear of touch is because of the medical trauma, not an autism sensory thing. However, my mum seems to think my lack of engagement with others is because of this as opposed to something biological. It very well could be, or really, I think both.
Yet, the AvPD diagnosis often talks about a later onset that is linked to trauma.
The onset of my ''autistic traits'' are a hard one, because my preschool teachers noticed that I ''didn't play with others'' which is what I remember, but my mum seems to think I was fine when other people came to play with me at our house. I'm not sure, I thought that it was difficult having another person there - not knowing how to play with them. I can't remember anything specific from that time, I was 2 - 5. I also remember a lot of difficulty socially and sensory wise (particularly auditory and tactile) she didn't seem to notice at school between the ages of 4 - 11.
I hate not being able to express my words properly, then having people undermine me by saying that I express myself fine.
IF my social deficits (unlike differences in autism) are due to AvPD - I'd basically be a social outcast for the rest of my life. A diagnosis of AvPD would be a negative feedback loop. I don't want that. I want to have friends, but I get caught up talking about my interests that I think I make it hard for people. I want friends where we can talk passionatly about our interests and not care how other's percieve our communication style. Yet, I am not sure if my ''interests'' are ''autistic enough'' in intensity.
I'm also just worried that even if I am autistic, the diagnosis person will just give me AvPD like a lot of women are misdiagnosed.
I'm over thinking things again, I hate it. I'm scared.
I know you can't give me a diagnosis, I know my only way forward is to get an assessment. I just needed somewhere to put this and ''get it out of my head''
I'm sorry if I'm being annoying.
As always,
Thank-you
You have to tel the NTs all the little details, like: 'I find it hard to talk to people under certain intense stressful situations, like JOB INTERVIEWS, where I know I am being judged' they don't understand our level of anxiety. Also it is their fault too as well because a job interview is full of bullshit and is so ambiguous, we lack theory of mind so we DKWTF they want. You have to tell the NTs this too. We can not play their games!