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Unmasked Self

DrewDoug

I was curious.

I see a lot of people on YouTube, who, even when talking openly about their own Autism and Autism in general. Still admit to masking ALL the time. Even while making said videos. Which I can't fully understand why. I would think surely, given the purpose and audience. It would be okay to unmask. To be your true self.

Would anyone care to share what the differences are in your unmasked self compared to your masked self?

I for one. As if I'm not "different" enough. I don't mask. Never have. It's just something I don't do.

  • I find I fidget.
  • Tap my hands and feet.
  • Rub my forehead and scalp with the back of my hands looking for imperfections.
  • I pull my eyelashes out with my fingernails when I'm feeling particularly anxious.
  • Use made up words or put random words together almost like Tourette's.
  • I'll change the subject of conversation quickly or create a weird random subject.
  • Stare at or touch things that pique my interest.
  • Imitate peoples personality and mannerisms.
  • Stare at people excessively.
  • React with excessive frustration at the smallest inconvenience.

The list goes on. While I'm at it though, here are a couple of my sensory triggers which may not be common.

  • I HATE getting my hands wet unexpectedly.
  • I CANNOT wet razor shave my face.

Both of these cause extreme sensitivity to the point of near meltdown.

  • A few things I'm starting to notice about my unmasked self:

    • I don't make eye contact unless I know the other person very well
    • I fidget a lot
    • I mimic the noises of appliances and animals
    • I talk to myself a lot
    • The facial expression that feelsneutral to me looks annoyed or bored to others

  • If I'm around people then I'm masking. If I didn't mask I would essentially be a different person to everyone and nobody would like that person.

  • dunno.

    i dont think of masking, i guess what i think of is levels of comfort or familiarity.

    if im new to a place and unfamiliar i can just be quiet. if i stay there long enough and get familiar i can be weirder and push their weird boat out and not give much of a toss. maybe also my weirdness is perhaps a stress response instead and its not the length that i stay in the place but rather the stress of that place over time effecting me to make me act more stupid and care less about peoples opinions the more stressed i am there. who knows. could be one or the other. familiarity causing a change in persona or a rising stress and agitation of the place i have to be in....

    its likely a mix maybe...  as i remember my first job i changed to acting strange but that wasnt stressful.... but then it was boring and i had nothing to do so maybe that was a level of stress i wasnt aware of, the stress of boredom combined with a deep seated knowledge that i wouldnt last there as no one trusted me with any task so i was pointless and a waste of money and inevitably would be got rid of. so maybe that actually was a response to that. a drop, a no longer care what they think mode..... in high school i was destructively weird but that was very stressfull and one former student i knew guessed my weird responses were a sort of social anxiety automatic response while another guessed autism which i got offended at thinking they meant insult at the time.

    my current job is very stressful, i managed to stay pretty normal for a admirable amount of time. all the other workers on other shifts and drivers always asked others on my shift if i ever even talk. so thats the kind of normal lol stoic, do the job, ignore everything. very goal orientated, play the objective. focus, go in do what needed and go out. no fluff, no talk no rubbish. probably slipped a bit but yeah i did get pushed alot so im holding out pretty well considering this place. slight weirdness creep in, like saying weird phrases constantly and shouting stuff, but its become a team meme where everyone shouts stuff and says weird phrases now so i still kinda look normal as its become a team weirdness/joke thing now lol

  • Thanks for your thoughtful post.

    I try to mask, but I'm not very successful at it. But I don't consciously unmask because I am too afraid and have not fully accepted my autistic self.

    I try to listen to what people say and say the socially acceptable things - rather than what I would reply if I was unfiltered. 

    I try to give eye contact, even though I usually end up just looking at their mouths.

    I try to make conversation, even though I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing.

    So I most of the stuff I mask is communication.

    I'm still on my journey to self acceptance and coming out as autistic, so maybe conscious unmasking will come.

    xx