How do you spend your life?

Sad and alone.

At the moment I do full-time work Monday to Friday - on weekends or days off I've recently started going out (mainly on my own) more often to places that interest me. I've always wanted to travel to other countries and places outside my home city but have been too scared to. In March, I plan to go to Bristol to do some photography of places that were in a show I watched (Skins) and slowly work from there to get a bit more confidence.

I have creative hobbies aswell and a YouTube channel where I post about my interests (+ will start a podcast to talk about my experiences with autism and clinical depression). Although I seem like I know where my life is going, sometimes I have no idea what I am doing. When I graduated from university 3 to 4 years ago, I had depression and couldn't find another job which really pushed me back. One thing I don't like is when people ask me where do I see myself in 5 or 10 years because half the time I don't know.

I don't hate my job but tbh I can't see myself doing office/administrator work long term. I have mostly been working on my savings (as I want to try early retirement or being at a point where I gradually reduce working hours) and also putting money down for a place for myself (mainly to get away from toxic family) and indulge in things I like and such.

I honestly don't know what kind of advice to put because certain things may not work for everyone which is OK (as only you know yourself the best). I can say in my case everyday is like taking baby steps, if I make it through each day it is progress

this is so relatable, have you found a way to structure  your day or find anything that makes you feel better? Big hugs, know your not alone.

Pegg said:

I am, unless compelled by routine or interest, inert. Inert, but generally content to be so

This is my natural disposition but I would rather it wasn't. My expectations of myself have also had to change but for different reasons. I'm mostly accepting if it but sometimes I am not. I also work in education too and have had years of my life being "all or nothing" ie 6 weeks in work for term then time off. I'm not going to change that now but I don't know if this pattern helps or hinders the inertia! 

With regards to the OP the "not knowing what to do" is what I also struggle with. I know I'm fortunate to be in the position I am and am aware I need a balance between choice and demand. Unless it's a burning priority,  it doesn't get done. I want to get going again but don't know how.

Beautifully expressed.

I used to think, for a while,, when I worked and saw no end to it, that I would be happy with more freedom, because then I would be able to do the things that interested me. It would be amazing! 

Then, I was forced to stop everything by injury. Over time, I recovered to an extent and could do things again. I worked very hard to relearn old skills, and that occupied me. I walked every day with my dog, often for hours, and that occupied me. I learned to eat again,, as a new sense of taste emerged from the nothingness my injuries had caused,, and that occupied me. I built structure into my day with routines. 

After more time, I did a short course. I read old poems and literature and wrote an essay or two, and that occupied me. 

Later still, I got involved with a research project and that occupied me.

I think I was reasonably successful at doing all this, without coming to a total stop. Successful for me, that is.

But, nonetheless, for most of the day, every day, I did nothing at all. Hours and hours could pass without me even moving from my chair. 

And whilst that was understandable for a time, in the early stages of recovery, I began to see, eventually, that I had always been the same. I am, unless compelled by routine or interest, inert. Inert, but generally content to be so.

At the time I saw it as a defect, but as my expectation of myself had been changed, couldn't be bothered to care much.

To.cut a long story short, as the saying goes - otherwise you'll all fall asleep- I was eventually persuaded to take a job - one of the several reasons I agreed was so that I would do something!

Although I'm looking forward to being inert for a couple of weeks! 

That's a good approach, and a good way of looking at the situation. I wish I had that way of thinking but I am overly negative, not sure why exactly. It's probably the anxiety, that seems to be a big part of my life. I worry I'll never get back to things and my life is on a downward spiral. I'm hoping working will set me back on track.

I often say, "My get-up-and-go has got up and gone". With age, I have learned that there is no point worrying about it, as it will return if and when it is ready. For example, one of my hobbies has been "paused" for more than 18 months. I am confident I will get back into it at some point, but if I don't, then I don't.

Post-Punk, and Indie.

Relatable

I don't really know, nor like the current direction my life that is currently heading in. So, I guess I'm just improvising most of it at this point.

I used to find escape in music as well mate. What sort of music do you like?

Sporadic Sparkly said:

For example, I have hobbies/interests that bring me pleasure, but I need to be in the right frame of mind to immerse myself in them. If the desire isn't there and I'm not experiencing the therapeutic benefits, then I see little point in engaging with those interests

This is my problem as well. Although the things I used to really enjoy I feel unable to do now anyway, almost like I lost that zest, the passion I had. I work now, something I thought I would never be able to do but all my interests and hobbies are pushed aside.

I'm never in the right frame of mind for them and lack the interest I used to have which is a bit scary really.

Same. 

I wish I had purpose in my life, but I haven't in a long time.

My days are, usually, spent doing domestic chores, looking after my cat and Zoom meetings.

However, I find escape in music.

I feel like I can relate to how you are feeling NAS90675. If I make plans, it is a miracle if I manage to achieve the things I have planned to do, even if they are things I want to do. However, I am a person who tends to take life one day at a time. If I fail to achieve the things I have planned, I try not to beat myself up about it. Tomorrow is another day, as they say.

For example, I have hobbies/interests that bring me pleasure, but I need to be in the right frame of mind to immerse myself in them. If the desire isn't there and I'm not experiencing the therapeutic benefits, then I see little point in engaging with those interests.

I have no advice to offer you. We are all different, so what works for one person may not work for another.

I waste my life.