Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
Great to be here. I need a little help with an aspy I care about a lot. My nieces have ASD and they use the term aspy to describe themselves. I am NT, but an a quiet, introvert, geeky type. So special interests in science tend to gel well with me :)
I met him in an internet forum, we connected quickly and have many of the same interests. He is amazing. Smart, deep thinker, handsome, great body, funny, hard working, great values. We took things offline and he told me he had asd. He felt he could trust me with it.
I have checked in with him about his spoon levels. He told he would let me know if he was getting to his limit. He says he manages all of this well. I can be intense. He has had a lot on recently and works a lot. Like 60+ hours a week. Since we moved to connect more directly he leaves 12+ hours between responding to my messages.
I take a direct route if I am not sure how he is responding which he appreciates. One of things that attracts me to people with asd is that they are unflinchingly honest and so I find that much easier to trust. I don’t like to be told what I want to hear. I much prefer the truth. I didn’t realise this about myself until he pointed out. My biggest crush is Elon musk. So if you are aspy and reading this- I wanted you to know us NT’s can really appreciate this trait in a potential partner.
I have been clear about my interest in him. Our flirting is great. He’s experienced in the bedroom and in relationships. But I don’t know if he’s attracted to me at all. He strikes me as someone who goes after what he wants. And doesn’t mind making moves.
Anyway he has stopped responding to my messages. Our last exchange was … intimate. We agreed an exchange of adult teasing material. That was about 3 days ago now. I asked a question. He’s looked but not responded.
Since he told me about the asd, He doesn’t ask me many questions about me. Whereas he did before and I see this was probably masking. Though he says he likes it when I ask questions about him. He said he likes feeling my interest in him. So we recently played a game of 40 get to know you questions. He liked this. But Of the 30 we got through he only asked me 2 back.
It is so hard to know if he likes me at all. Or if he’s just another guy looking for a better offer * eye roll*.
I am really upset he’s withdrawn. I don’t share easily. I don’t know if I can say anything to him. I’m afraid he will say “ I don’t owe you anything” it’s just hard to connect, as you guys will appreciate, so when I find it. I want to explore it. He said he did too.
any advice is welcome.
Good point. Thank you
I think because of the communication difference between NDs and NTs, we can often hurt the other without meaning to, but I dont think it is on purpose (most of the time anyway). When someone tells me they would prefer if I did one thing, then I try to do it more with them. Some things may just be completely out of question, and you may just need to decide what things you are okay losing for the sake of the relationship, and where to draw the line
Thank you @ frozenheart for your considered response. I found that helpful and valid!
I guess if we are on topic with a game around getting to know you questions, in the NT world we respond with “my fav comfort food is macaroni. What is yours?” He told me he likes being asked the questions because he likes that I’m interested in getting to know him. Your response makes sense though because he may not see them as connected.
My NT friend asked me if I might say “ Is there anything you would like to ask about me?”
but I know from my nieces sometimes the answer is no. It’s not meant to be rude it’s just meant as in “ nothing at the moment”
Kinda hurts though :(
SERIOUSLY?? I wrote a whole long responce and then it deleted.....
Anyway to sum up what I typed earlier. I am not very great at relationships so my advice may not be valid.
I had a girlfriend (autistic) who wouldnt respond to my messages very often. I would worry she was mad at me, but she would say that it was because she didnt always know what to say (or couldnt find the right words to say what she meant to), ussually she had a harder time when she was experiancing burnout. Since your boyfriend works so much, I wouldnt be suprised if maybe he was having burnout.
Anouther thing could be maybe he has had bad experiances with relationships in the past where they left him after he unmasked or showed his intimate side. He may need time to process everything.
I think most autists (or for me at least), tend to not have "getting to know you questions" come naturally. It seems weird to me that you would ask a question that isnt relevant to the situation or topic. Now if we were talking about colors then I might ask what your favorite color is but otherwise I wouldnt
But as Olaf would say, "Who knows the ways of men?" :)