Published on 12, July, 2020
I have a wealth of questions with respect to this whole area, so any advice or discussion would be greatly appreciated.
I am new to figuring out what being autistic actually means, having gone from being a suspected autist to fully diagnosed in the space of a year. I have had my fair share of incredibly unhealthy relationships (not helped by my undiagnosed autism, no doubt), and I now find myself with a partner who I worry feels I am not good enough for her. I can't really tell whether or not it was the feeling safe enough to unmask, or whether the relationship has been so tough I found myself thinking I was going insane that led to my diagnosis but here come the questions;
Am I inadvertently being emotionally coercive/abusive by making my partner feel unsafe/insecure/under appreciated?
How do I get better at listening/expressing love in the way she needs me to?
How do I know whether or not this relationship is the right thing or the wrong thing for me?
Is it just me that messes up and apologises, tries to better their behaviour just to continue to not do things 'right'?
How many "I'm sorry"'s is too many? Am I lazy or incompetent to change?
I realise what I really need is a therapist, but finding one that ticks all the right boxes these days is not only rare, but incredibly expensive when they do come around. I also realise that this has rapidly spiralled into an Agony Aunt-esque cry for help, but I'm not embarrassed by it. Not really sure how to sign off but thanks for reading if you made it this far!
Your first question - Has your girlfriend specifically told you that you make her feel unsafe/insecure/underappreciated? Or, is this simply how you think you make her feel?
Your third question - Every relationship has its ups and downs, but I would say that if you don't feel happy in the relationship and haven't done so for a while, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you. All relationships are a gamble, and sometimes it can take time to know how you truly feel about the person one is in a relationship with. Ideally, I feel one should feel content and find it hard to imagine not having that person in one's life... not because you need them to be, but because you want them to be.
Your fourth question - It is not just you that messes up. It is par for the course in any relationship. If one or both of you mess up, I feel the important thing is how well you work together to resolve any issues. After all, when one is in a relationship, one is one-half of a team.
Apologies if my answers are not particularly helpful, but they are based on my own experience of relationships, and observations I have made of other people's relationships.
I know it’s not a helpful thing to say, but if you’re having romantic relationships you’re doing a lot better than many of us.
I suspect the answers you’re looking for are ones that only you can provide but talking it through with a therapist or close friend would probably be the best route.